Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I recently went on a weekend getaway without our young kids (both under 4). It was great! His parents (who are in their 70s) came to watch the kids, and I’m very grateful. But I saw a few things that concern me, and I don’t know when to step in.

I was in the car with my father-in-law and my younger child when my father-in-law just ran a red light. Like, it was in the middle of being red, not it just turned red. I yelled out, “You just ran a red light!” because I was freaked out, and his response was to look in his rear view and say, “Oh, so I did. I thought it was green.” And he never mentioned it again!

The second thing is this: I had gone over the carseats a few times with my in-laws, and they’ve taken the kids many times before. But when we got back from our trip, my father-in-law buckled my younger child into the car, and when we arrived at our destination, I went to get my kid, and the straps were not tightened at all! I explained that he needs to tighten the straps and showed him, and then had him do it himself, and he acted as if this was brand new to him. It was not brand new to him. I feel like these should be red flags, both for the absolute safety of watching our kids and for his overall well-being. I mean, it’s common sense to tighten a seatbelt, right? I only drove with him once, and he ran a red light. Does this happen often? What if the car had been t-boned and something had happened to the kids? I really appreciate the childcare my in-laws are willing to do, but not at this price. Am I overreacting?

—Childcare Is Never Free

Dear Childcare, 

You should not allow your children to be in a car driven by your father-in-law again, and you need to have a serious talk with your husband about allowing your in-laws to care for your children, as well as their ability to care for themselves. This generation of elders looks and gets around better than any previous one, and it’s not always easy to recognize when they are no longer as capable as they once were. You have seen glaring evidence that your father-in-law, at the very least, is not able to safely transport your children, and that it would likely be in his best interest for him to stop driving all together. Don’t back down and don’t feel bad telling him that he can no longer drive his grandchildren; better deal with his hurt ego than a tragedy.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Teacher Appreciation Week is next month, and my wife, “Tess,” and I are in a ridiculous argument over what our 12-year-old son, “Sherman,” wants to give his science teacher. Sherman and I were at Home Depot on Tuesday, and he found something called a pink moon cactus in their garden section. He decided it would be a perfect gift for “Ms. Smith” since cacti are hardy, they looked really nice, and they have been studying plants in class.

When Sherman told my wife what the cactus was for when we got home, she became very angry.   Tess claimed the plant was reminiscent of a dick and would be highly inappropriate coming from a male student.  This sort of cactus is a tall green column with a bright pink ball on top. I don’t know what planet Tess is living on where anyone would look at it and have a dick be the first thing that comes to mind!  Now she’s demanding that it go back to the store.  Sherman is extremely disappointed, and I am questioning my wife’s sanity.  I think the thing to do here is take the cactus to my office until it’s time for Sherman to give it to Ms. Smith, and just let it be our little secret.  Considering how batshit my wife’s thinking is, this wouldn’t be such a terrible thing to do, right?

—Cactus Craziness

Dear Cactus Craziness,

Do I think your wife is being unreasonable? Possibly. I Googled and couldn’t find pictures of a pink moon cactus that looked like a penis. However, I do understand why she wouldn’t want your son to present a gift to his teacher that resembled a phallus. I fear I will be chewed up for this in the comments (I won’t read them this week!), but I think that men should often exhibit a bit of patience when women get up in arms about things that seem “silly” when it comes to things related to sex and bodies. Women and girls experience so much sexual harassment over the course of our lives that some of us end up with heightened sensitivities that may find us having outsized reactions.

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I do not think you should disregard your wife’s feelings and encourage your son to keep a secret from his mother. I do think you should explain to your wife that you don’t think most people would see a penis when they look at this plant, but that you are going to honor her wishes and ask her to select another cactus. You should also consider if there are any experiences that your wife has had that have led her to be vigilant in this way, and if so, think of them when it seems she’s overreacting about something like this. It may be the case that she’s dealt with events you aren’t familiar with, or that her feelings aren’t directly connected to her own trauma and are simply a product of living in a world where an “online rape academy” nets 62 million website hits per month. Your wife’s behavior is a symptom of a greater issue, and she should not be the source of your ire. If you are constantly having issues with your wife being “batshit” and it doesn’t seem like there is a common thread in what sets her off, you may need to consider talking to her about couples counseling.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I were at her brother “Joe’s” place this past weekend, and our 5-year-old daughter, “Abigail,” took a rock and decided to etch a picture into the passenger side door of Joe’s new car. Now Joe is demanding we pay what he spent taking the car to a body shop to get the picture removed—to the tune of more than $2,000! Joe could have easily spent less than a fraction of that on one of those DIY scratch remover kits and fixed it that way. My wife says we need to pay her brother for the damage Abilgail caused. I say my brother-in-law can fuck himself if he thinks he’s getting that much. He’s being unreasonable, isn’t he?

—Car Kerfluffle

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Dear Car Kerfluffle, 

My sweet summer child, your brother-in-law is not the one who is being unreasonable. Your child damaged his property, and you don’t get to decide how he chooses to have it repaired. You should have been paying attention to your daughter, otherwise, she wouldn’t have had the time to etch a picture in a car door. I’m sorry you have to deal with this unexpected expense, and perhaps your brother-in-law will be willing to let you pay him back in installments, but ultimately, you are responsible for your child’s actions and that’s that on that.

—Jamilah

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