Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 16-year-old niece, “Vada,” inherited her dad’s nose, and to call it a honker would be the understatement of the decade. She has hated it since she was little and has spent her entire school career being taunted for it. Vada has wanted to get a nose job to make it smaller since she was 10 and has spent years begging for one. Sadly, her parents (my brother and sister-in-law) consistently turned a deaf ear to her pleas. I had prominent ears as a kid, which led to many miserable years of teasing before my parents finally let me get them fixed at 8, so I know the sting of having a feature that draws negative attention.

I don’t have any kids of my own and make an excellent living, so I secretly decided to save for Vada’s nose job, starting when she was 13.

Back in the summer, I was able to book a consultation with an excellent plastic surgeon for her, and in October and November, I took my niece in for her consultations. We scheduled the surgery for when my brother and his wife would be gone on a European vacation (they had agreed to let Vada stay with me while they were away).

I’m happy to say my niece’s surgery went smoothly, and she is walking on clouds now that her nose looks the way she’s always wanted.  My brother and sister-in-law, on the other hand, were furious that we went behind their backs.  Frankly, I think they should be ashamed of themselves for placing so little value on their daughter’s happiness and self-esteem.  Vada didn’t want the nose job for frivolous reasons; she wanted it so she could feel better about herself.  Please tell me it wasn’t so wrong of me to care enough about her to make her dream a reality.

—Empathetic Aunt

Dear Empathetic, 

I Just Discovered My Mother-in-Law Stole Something From Our House. The Fallout Could Be Devastating.

My Mother Constantly Spreads Lies About Me Through Our Family. My Attempt to “Correct” Them Has Everyone Losing It.

My Kid Spent Two Weeks With Her Dad. Then I Found Out What He Was Letting Her Do.

What you did was wrong, full stop. You went against your brother and sister-in-law’s wishes, allowed that child to disregard her parents’ decision, and facilitated surgery for a minor who is not your child. I would imagine that there could possibly be legal ramifications for you depending on where you live; how was your niece able to access this medical care without her legal guardian? You should have waited until Vada was 18 and could legally consent to the surgery herself without her parents’ permission. A nose job requires anesthesia, which always comes with some level of risk. What if she’d died in surgery, or been disfigured? What if Vada hated how her nose turned out and felt worse than before? What you did was so very risky and irresponsible.

All that said, your letter makes me think of a tune by the late great Whitney Houston: “It’s not right, but it’s OK.” The surgery went well, and your niece feels better about herself than she did before. Hopefully, she will no longer have to endure taunting for her looks. All’s well that ends well? That depends—will your relationship with your brother and his wife recover? Will they feel comfortable trusting you with your niece again? I’m glad that Vada is happy, but I hope you can understand why her parents are so upset with you. Surgery is inherently risky, and it’s reasonable for parents not to want to subject a child to that without medical necessity. You may have improved your niece’s quality of life, but I hope the cost isn’t more than you can bear.

—Jamilah

More Parenting Advice From Slate

We have two sons, 6 and 4. Both my boys love books. Assuming my 6-year-old has a good day—eats his three squares, does his math and reading comprehension sheets, and generally behaves—he asks me to buy him a new book every evening from Amazon. On average we are spending $10 to $15 a day on books, which luckily is not a financial imposition. But lately I’ve been wondering: Am I spoiling my kids?

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