Breadcrumb Trail Links
Published Apr 28, 2026 • 3 minute read
VIC SCHUKOV FUNNY SIDE UP jpg, BI, apsmcArticle content
So, I was sitting at a Florida bar a few years back, having a beer on my lonesome, and the Yank next to me, approximately seven beers ahead of me (Hole-in-the-wall bar, bartender didn’t pick the empties.), leaned over without falling (That came later.) and engaged my coveted company:
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Yank: Where ya’ll from?
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Me: Canada.
Yank: CANADA!
Me: Yeah.
(Long pause.)
Yank: I like Canada.
Me: Me too.
Yank: Ya’ll are a lot like us.
(I counted his empties strewn across the bar and decided his opinion was not to be disputed for the sake of international relations. Plus, empty beer bottles made effective projectiles.)
Me: Ever been there?
(Longer pause. His Random Access Memory was disengaged.)
Yank: Sure, I been there (Like I just insulted his intelligence.) Nice people, Canadians.
Me: Yeah, that’s our superpower.
(Even longer pause. Beer slows down time. And reality.)
Yank: You know, we’re not that, uh, not unalike.
(I was not going to remind him that he had just said that nor correct his desperate grasp of the King’s language.)
Me: True dat.
Yank: Ya. True dat. (A deep thought enters his thought machinery. I could almost smell the burning gears.) Hey, why don’t ya’ll join up with us. We could take everyone over around us.
Me: If we joined up with you, who would there be left to take over?
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Yank: Cuba and Mexico.
(The difference between an American and a Canadian is an American always wants to take over his neighbour’s country.)
I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, but the memory resurfaced after Trump baited our boy-toy PM T with the prospect of us being the 51st state. It got me thinking of the pros and cons of a new country called the United States of North America (USNA) or USeh (?) To start, the beer would be cheaper.
To begin with, I think the 51st state concept is simply absurd crab bait because Canada is bigger than the USA and Texas wouldn’t allow any state to be bigger than it, anyway, out of sheer “everything is bigger in Texas” mentality. So, scrap that. But a merger, that’s way more intriguing. First off, we would insist that the Americans give up something like their own state names:
BC merges with California to become the new BC (British California) because they have something in common: They’re both wingnuts
Yukon merges with Alaska and becomes Yulaska.
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We cut Quebec loose because they have always wanted to be a country and we call their bluff.
The Atlantic provinces become one Atlantic State.
Ontario, Manitoba, and Saskatchewan become states as is.
Alberta, being way too cowboy, joins Montana and becomes Altana or Monberta.
Now onto the new capitals of the new states: American history demands that small, centrally located towns are chosen as capitals to minimize the political power of larger, commercial cities, and to serve as neutral. Again, Americans will have to submit to Canadian selections for these new hybrid states as a gesture of good faith. In this vein, the new capitals will be:
Manitoba: Flin Flon (The alliteration alone should annoy the Americans.)
Saskatchewan: Moose Jaw. (Again, annoying)
Altana or Monberta: Fort McMurray; Americans love oil and forts.
Ontario: Stratford (Teach Yanks some classy Shakespearean culture.)
Atlantic States: To appease over-egoed PEI, we make the whole island a capital.
Yulaska: Dawson City (Sounds cowboyish.)
Toronto is offered statehood since they so want to be Americanized and have an NFL team.
Nunavut: Being a territory, it joins Puerto Rico.
I’ve run out of ink (And your mind, Showbox.) so I’ll save the pros and cons for Part 2 to come. Have another day, “Americanadians.”
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