There comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to ask: Do I eat the Doritos crumbs out of my chest hair?

Just me? Well, it’s a risk I am willing to take while watching TV shirtless.

Because I live by three rules:

1. I don’t waste food

2. I don’t wear shirts after business hours

3. I sure as heck don’t miss out on bingeing awesome new shows

Now that I have laid out my core values, strap in for…

10 NEW SHOWS PREMIERING IN MAY!!!

Lord of the Flies (May 4 – Netflix)

Starring David McKenna, Winston Sawyers, Lox Pratt, Ike Talbut, and Thomas Connor — the first-ever TV adaptation of William Golding’s classic novel about a group of English schoolboys who crash-land on a tropical island and immediately do worse at governing themselves than your average HOA. Democracy dies screaming in a conch shell. Four episodes. Zero adults. Zero chill.

M.I.A. (May 7 – Peacock)

Shannon Gisela plays Etta Tiger Jonze — a 20-something living in the Florida Keys whose “family’s drug-running business shatters in tragedy, launching her on a dangerous journey through Miami’s neon-lit underbelly.” Also starring Cary Elwes, who you may remember from “The Princess Bride.” He has gone from “as you wish” to “please don’t kill me in a swamp.” Growth.

The Terror: Devil in Silver (May 7 – AMC+/Shudder)

Dan Stevens stars as Pepper, a working-class guy with anger issues, who finds himself wrongfully committed to a rundown psychiatric hospital. The good news: your insurance copay is not your problem when you’re locked inside a haunted asylum. The bad news: there may be an actual devil roaming the halls.

The Punisher: One Last Kill (May 12 – Disney+)

Jon Bernthal returns as Frank Castle, a vigilante with a ton of emotional baggage. Spoiler: His family was brutally murdered. And sure, it would be healthier for Frank to attend a yoga retreat. Maybe do some breath-work. But that makes for boring TV. Instead, he’s pulled back into his favorite pastime: killing bad guys. Duh, he’s called The Punisher, not The Pacifist.

Off Campus (May 13 – Prime Video)

Hannah (Ella Bright) strikes a deal with Briar U’s star hockey player Garrett (Belmont Cameli): she tutors him, he takes her on a fake date, and absolutely nobody catches feelings. Not gonna lie, it’s a pretty straightforward plan. But it doesn’t take a psychic or “Heated Rivalry” fans to predict the obvious… somebody catches feelings.

Dutton Ranch (May 15 – Paramount+)

Saddle up for Taylor Sheridan’s 700th “Yellowstone” spinoff. Kelly Reilly and Cole Hauser return as Beth Dutton and Rip Wheeler — this time taking on Texas, where they face ruthless rivals. Honestly, I wouldn’t last a minute in their world. I need an air-conditioned office, an ample selection of free snacks, and never to be in a situation where an explosion occurs directly behind me. I startle easily and have a delicate bladder.

Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed (May 20 – Apple TV)

Tatiana Maslany plays newly divorced mom Paula, who falls down a dangerous rabbit hole of blackmail, murder, and youth soccer. Youth soccer was always a gateway drug to conspiracy. Every parent who has stood on a muddy sideline at 8am on a Saturday knew this day would come. Lord, help us.

The Boroughs (May 21 – Netflix)

Official plot description coming in hot: “Unlikely heroes in a retirement community must stop an otherworldly threat from stealing the one thing they don’t have — time.” Honestly, I would’ve guessed strong bones. But sure, time works too. The series is executive produced by the Duffer brothers (Stranger Things), so we can expect substantial nightmare fuel and yelling at our TVs “Don’t go in there!”

Spider-Noir (May 27 – Prime Video)

Nicolas Cage plays Ben Reilly, “a seasoned, down-on-his-luck private investigator in 1930s New York,” forced to grapple with his past life following a deeply personal tragedy as the city’s one and only superhero. On the bright side, being the city’s only superhero = job security. Well, unless a supervillain vaporizes you with a death ray. Bottom line, my Spidey senses are tingling for Nic Cage as a web-slinger.

Star City (May 29 – Apple TV)

A “For All Mankind” spinoff set entirely in Soviet Russia, which means everyone is stressed, cold, and being watched at all times. So basically just like working in an open-plan office. Perfect viewing for anyone who embraces paranoia or is planning a trip to the moon with their PTO.

There you have it, people. Ten shows, one month. Go forth and binge responsibly. (You won’t.)

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