Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My youngest sister, who I’m pretty close with, has had a lot of financial troubles the last five or so years, including huge unexpected house repairs (HVAC, mold, flooding, etc.), medical bills from accidents, dental emergencies, and more. Her marital situation is not financially stable, but she is self-employed in a very essential field (where self-employment is the standard), though there have been issues there with paying self-employment taxes. She is essentially a single mom (her marriage is not to her kids’ dad) and she is often troubled that she can’t always provide for things for her kids (electronics, cars, presents, parties).

She used to go to my dad for financial help (he has since passed away), and now she often comes to me. She sometimes asks me outright for money, though she usually just reaches out to vent about the stress of everything (though I’ve not always been sure that the venting isn’t an indirect way to ask for money). We’ve had some problems with that, but I did put up some boundaries.

I Was Happy to Give My Best Friend a Plus-One to My Wedding. But I Might Have to Draw the Line at This Latest Addition to Their Family.

I’ve given her and her kids a lot of money and goods and help, which I’m glad I can do, and there are no strings attached. I don’t expect repayment or even thanks. But I did recently find out she has a Roth IRA she’s been funding for almost two decades. I asked her about it and she said she protects it because, in her words, she “has no one” and “is alone.” I’m having a hard time with this. I cashed out my own (pretty pathetic) retirement to buy her kid a major ticket, much-needed item. I haven’t started saving for education for my own kids. But I have a spouse in a very stable, high-paying job. Should I expect my sister to bail herself out of catastrophic financial trouble with her retirement money? My rational self and empathy says that it’s complicated, but I’m also just kind of pissed, too.

—Who Should Foot the Bills?

Dear Who Should Foot the Bills,

Your sister isn’t wrong to keep her retirement account funded—that Roth IRA might feel like a safety net—but you should be prioritizing yours, too.

Time matters when it comes to saving for the future, and once you pull money out of your retirement accounts, you can’t get back the years it would have had to grow. In other words, think twice before sacrificing your own future (or your kids’ future) to solve someone else’s financial emergencies. As the saying goes, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

You’ve already set some boundaries, so stay firm with them. Your sister’s financial choices are her own to make, but so are yours. You can still offer support in ways that don’t involve draining your retirement accounts.

—Kristin

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More Money Advice From Slate

My husband and I both have full-time jobs. He has an “important” job and tends to work 60-plus-hour weeks and travel at least twice a month. My 9-to-5 job is often interrupted or truncated by family needs—think doing school drop-off while my husband is traveling, responding to school nurse phone calls, bringing kids to doctor appointments, planning social calendars, and coordinating/delivering kids to all of their activities. I also, like most women, do the majority of the housework. I’m making dinner while eating my lunch, folding laundry during meetings, and grabbing activity slots while working. My work is getting a raw deal, as I’m skimping on hours that I have to document. (My husband says that I shouldn’t be so uptight about working my stated hours.) Traveling for my job is a whole other thing, which usually involves asking my out-of-town parents to come and watch the kids. I think all of this is bad for the family. But my husband won’t let me quit my job.

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