Nobody ever said the white knight life was gonna be easy, Connie baby.
Photo: Erika Doss/Prime

I talk a lot about the music on The Summer I Turned Pretty because it is genuinely impressive how on-the-nose these songs can get. Conrad gets a sad surprise? “No Surprises” by Radiohead. Conrad is sad watching Belly and Jeremiah celebrate their upcoming summer wedding? “Never Dreamed You’d Leave in Summer.” And in “Last Dance” — an episode centered almost entirely on Conrad manfully white-knuckling his way through helping Belly with wedding errands — all of the expected Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo has been replaced with songs ripped straight from a Classic Wedding First Dance Songs playlist on Spotify.

In the car, Belly and Conrad listen to “Songbird,” of course, because Fleetwood Mac accompanies all of Belly’s poignant Conrad moments. Later, at a roadside fruit stand (abandoned apparently?), “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones plays while Conrad watches Belly sexily spill peach juice all over her chin. At the house, we have Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic.” They have flashback sex to Otis Redding’s “That’s How Strong My Love Is.” I mean, what, no dancing to “Wonderful Tonight” in their New York City apartment living room? (That’s another Friends reference, FYI.) And then we contrast all that romantic classic rock and Motown with Jeremiah’s choice of first dance song, “You Never Can Tell” by Chuck Berry. You know, the song from Pulp Fiction. Clearly, the Conhead train has already left the station, but just in case the music didn’t make that sufficiently obvious, we also have Jeremiah being a princess about the cacao ratios in his chocolate wedding cake.

Then again, “Last Dance” is Conrad’s point-of-view episode, so maybe it’s his playlist. We begin with Connie doing some casual, shirtless roof work for no reason and intoning in voice-over, “For over a century, I have lived in secret…” Just kidding, that’s The Vampire Diaries. But you get the idea. He almost falls off the roof at the sight of Belly’s modest one-piece swimsuit, so we know Conrad is pining in both a tender and a sexual way, but his thoughtful gestures do tend to skew towards the parental. He wants to know why she’s eating a stale Pop-Tart for breakfast when he left out cereal and fresh fruit for her, for instance. And then Conrad is berated by his own voice-over for always trying to take care of Belly. It’s a habit that goes all the way back to childhood, when he taught her to ride a bike without training wheels — a metaphor usually reserved for parents letting their adult children leave the nest. It’s all starting to feel like a real missed opportunity for the song, “Father Figure.” But Conrad’s therapist hasn’t started work on his “hero complex” yet — as rightfully called out by Belly in one of her rare moments of sagacity — so he simply cannot stop himself from running to her rescue. Today, rescue means providing emotional support as Belly repeatedly discovers that she cannot afford the wedding she’s trying to throw in a month.

Belly has strolled into Billy Joel’s bakery to put in Jeremiah’s very exacting wedding cake order, but is aghast at the $750 price tag. (Mirror glaze comes with quite the upcharge.) Finding her thus deflated, carrying a dozen or so tiny shopping bags and with nothing but 70 percent cacao cupcakes to cheer her, Conrad gamely offers to accompany her to the florist. And wouldn’t you know it, they have a $5,000 minimum spend for weddings. (Imagine if Belly had inquired about a rush charge!) What’s worse, Jeremiah, heedless of the fact that Belly’s 20 percent off coupon expires tomorrow, is still at the office in Boston and so can’t come with her to Michael’s. As any self-respecting white knight would do, Conrad bravely takes up the mantle of responsibility and decides to help Belly pick out hurricane glasses himself. Low-grade flirting ensues.

If this juxtaposition is supposed to reflect badly on Jeremiah, as I suspect it is, it still feels a little flimsy to me. Conrad is showing Belly his vulnerable side and allowing her to introduce him to the spice rack, which is all great, character-building stuff, but Jeremiah is on a different hero’s journey. He’s about to prove to his Dick Dad that Steven isn’t the only one capable of uncovering financial skullduggery on this show, and that’s why he’s working late. He does such a good job on this single task that Dick Dad is temporarily just “Dad,” and grants Jeremiah the one thing Jeremiah has always wanted: a heartfelt, “Well done, son.” In fact, Dick Dad is so impressed that not only does he give the wedding his blessing, he offers to pay for the whole thing, so Jere can have his mirror glaze and eat it, too.

It’ll be at the club, Dick Dad decides, and his personal secretary can help Belly with all the planning, which will give Belly more time to study for the GRE. He will have to invite one or two dozen work associates, of course, but who are we to look a gift wedding in the mouth, Jeremiah is telling Belly excitedly over fireworks that night. But Belly is suddenly mourning the Dollar Tree wedding she and Conrad spent all day failing to put together. What are they going to do with all the polyester flowers they picked out together at Michael’s? Well, what about the fact that this is the first time Jeremiah’s dad has been nice to him? Belly does eventually concede, because she’s not a monster, and justifies it with an appeal-to-Susannah. Then they dance. This leaves Conrad to gaze at the happy couple from an upstairs window with his vampire eyes, and once again reflect on how this is all his dead mother’s fault.

He made her a promise on her death bed, Conrad says in voice-over, to which I say directly to my television, “My God, this woman!” before Susannah’s deathly visage even appears on screen. All she asked was for Conrad to take care of his brother Jeremiah, which is why Conrad now feels honor-bound to support this wedding.

• Meanwhile, Steven and Big D (Jeremiah calls Denise Big D) are on an Amtrak to New York City and flirting heavily.

• Taylor couldn’t find a sitter, I guess, so she is too busy managing more of her mother’s business to make more than a cursory appearance in this episode.

• We don’t see Laurel at all and, honestly, I’m good with that.

• Big D claims that the rule is to arrive at the airport two hours ahead for a domestic flight and three hours for international, which feels insane to me. Are other people doing this?

• Conrad confesses to Belly, “In middle school I moderated a ring bearer Subreddit,” which is perfect.

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