Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

About six months ago, my neighbor, “Pat,” introduced me to another one of our neighbors, “Doris.” Doris is in her 90s and has been totally blind for the past year. This woman is incredibly sweet, and since I knew she lived alone, I started visiting with her once a week. When I first started visiting her, she had a wonderful full-time helper who had been with her for the past five years. Unfortunately, a few months ago, this helper had to move away and no one took her place.

Doris is very fit for her age, can move around well, and has her condo set up so she can get around by herself. But she is still blind and cannot do many things like cook, clean, or even make phone calls to people whose numbers she has not memorized.

To make a long story short, my neighbor Pat and I have completely taken over helping Doris with almost every single meal. She has weekend help and has two extended family members who each apparently come to visit about once a week. Pat and I have left notes and talked with the family saying that the help we are providing is not sustainable. Summer is coming up and I have two young children who will no longer be in school all day. I understand this is not my problem to solve, but the family does not seem to be doing anything. It is hard not to feel extremely guilty when I cannot get over to help since I know it means she will just not eat or eat very little. I had to leave town for a single day, and I gave her and her family plenty of notice, but when I came back, she said no one had come and she had a banana and a few pistachios all day long because that is all she could find.

What are my options here? I do not know her financial situation, but she owns a condo and I suspect money is not the issue. Is there someone I can call to do a wellness check on her and force her and her family to get moving on finding her more help? I would even be willing to help her find a place to move to for full-time care, but I have no access to any of her information and since she is blind, she can’t even find them to give me access.

—This Is Not Sustainable

Dear This Is Not Sustainable,

You are a genuinely good person, and that is exactly why this situation has spiraled so far. But you’ve been functioning as an unpaid home care aide for someone else’s family member—and the family has let you. That changes now.

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Start with two honest conversations. First, tell Doris directly—warmly, but clearly—that you have loved spending time with her and that you won’t be able to continue at this level after [a specific date]. She is a grown woman and she deserves to know what’s coming so she can advocate for herself. Second, call the family—not a note, not a hint—and say the same thing: “Pat and I are done providing meals and daily care after [date]. You need a plan in place by then. If you need some help in creating one or hiring someone, we can provide a little help but as of [date], we’re done.” A specific date is much harder to nod at and ignore than a general expression of concern.

If that conversation produces nothing, contact your local Area Agency on Aging. These agencies connect seniors to Meals on Wheels, home health aides, and care coordinators—many at low or no cost—and can help the family understand what arranging real help actually looks like. You can also research assisted living options and hand that list to Doris and her family. You’re not responsible for executing the transition, but you can make it harder for everyone to keep doing nothing.

If Doris continues to be left without food or care after your deadline, that’s called neglect, and Adult Protective Services exists for exactly this situation. Please call them and ask them to do a wellness check.

The hardest part of all of this is setting the date and telling Doris you can’t be there for her in the same way. Hopefully, she (and her family) will hear you, thank you, and accept your help in finding the next chapter of care for her.

—Ilyce

Classic Prudie

My husband and I have become the new social hub for family events since our home is large, conveniently located, and we adore entertaining. My in-laws are wonderful. My sisters and their families are delightful. My problem is that my older step-sisters have turned into bitchy teenagers while being in their forties.

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