Sex advice: I haven’t told my wife about why my last marriage ended. It feels like I’m lying to her.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been married to my second wife, “Jane,” for over a decade now, and our relationship is absolutely rock-solid. We tell each other virtually everything and anything—except for past relationships. We’ve mutually agreed that we don’t want or need details.

My problem is that I think there may be a detail from my first marriage that Jane ought to know. My first wife and I opened our marriage when it became clear our sex drives were substantially incompatible. It didn’t save the marriage. It was a Hail Mary that didn’t work out. Jane and I are very well-aligned on our relationship—it’s monogamous. We’ve talked in the past about folks who have other forms of relationships, and we’re just not interested in that. Even considering all of that, it feels dishonest to me that I haven’t divulged this particular detail to her. Should I?

—Once Open Now Very Closed

Dear Once Open,

When you and Jane agreed to leave out the particulars of past relationships and decided neither of you wanted or needed details, was there any discussion of wanting or needing to avoid hearing details? If Jane has expressed a desire to be spared specifics about your previous relationships, or you’re unsure what her position is, that’s something to factor into your decision.

The other significant component to think through here is why, within the guidelines around communication that you and your spouse have negotiated, withholding this information feels dishonest to you. (Nice alliteration there, by the way.) Understanding where your emotions are coming from can likely help you get a better sense of what you want or need to share with her, thus helping you focus on exactly what you would disclose and what you could omit without continuing to feel like you’re hiding something. It can probably also add nuance to your question of whether you should disclose at all, when you weigh it against what you understand or suspect about how actively against hearing these things Jane is (or is not).

If you know that Jane simply sees details of past relationships as irrelevant, and you think the open stage of your first marriage is relevant, divulge. If she’s let you know that she specifically does not want to hear about these things, and you feel that her distaste for these details outweighs the sense of secrecy that’s been bothering you, don’t share. Many possibilities exist between those two extremes. So take your time, think it through, and I’m confident you’ll come to a conclusion you’re comfortable with.

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Dear How to Do It,

After years of prioritizing kids and careers, my wife of 20-plus years and I want to turn up creativity and playfulness in the bedroom. I’ve learned about and brought up cervical orgasms, and we think she might have experienced some in the distant past. We both want to pursue those again and have some questions for you.

She doesn’t orgasm with penetration alone, so I touch her clitoris (she doesn’t touch herself or masturbate, so a toy and self-exploration are not options). To go for a cervical O, should we skip the clitoral stimulation, or at least tone it down, so that she can focus on the deeper sensations? Should we give her some other orgasms first (clitoral, G-spot), and then go for the cervical O afterwards? What positions would you recommend? Should I be thrusting or staying in and rocking? How does the time of the month matter?

I have also learned that many women store emotions in the cervix that can be released during orgasm. Is that true? (She’s already highly sensitive, so I’m curious about what gets released!)

—Curious in Des Moines

Dear Curious,

Every single one of your questions is wonderful, and each area of inquiry is so incredibly varied and personal that the two of you will have to find those answers out for yourselves. All I can offer is some general food for thought.

Some women find that clitoral stimulation of some kind is necessary to orgasm, others find that having a clitoral orgasm before focusing on any deeper stimulation helps prime them, and still more can’t have other types of orgasms after they’ve had a clitoral one. What “cervical orgasm” means, and how people arrive at one, can range from fairly blunt pounding on the cervix itself to a more pressure-focused stimulation of what’s known as the A-spot, which is the apex of where the cervix attaches to the vaginal wall, toward the front of the body. I’ve also heard of women who prefer a similar spot on the back of the vagina, toward the tailbone. Crucially, each of these spots tends to be extremely enjoyable or an absolute no-go. So proceed carefully. For positions and type of motion, consider what best reaches the area of, or around, the cervix that you’re aiming for at that moment. Time of the month usually matters, but the ways that it does are difficult to predict because, again, bodies are so fantastically different.

As for the idea of women storing emotions in their cervix, which can be released through orgasm, it’s certainly a possibility. Bessel van der Kolk made a whole career out of the idea that we store emotions from past experiences in our bodies, which is more nuanced than the oft-quoted title, The Body Keeps the Score. All sorts of practices, from massage, through Reiki, to tantric sex have strains that incorporate similar beliefs. Then there’s the observable fact that orgasm is an intense physical experience, and the robust science indicating that orgasm involves the release of several chemicals that can affect our emotions. I’d be cautious of getting overly invested in emotional release happening at all, and of it having any particular meaning, but it does seem like you’re coming from a place of simple curiosity. Use that curiosity to experiment, and make sure you’re both enjoying the pursuit along the way.

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Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It, 

I haven’t been interested in sex for the past three months. Within that time, my husband has spent nearly every spare moment viewing porn online. He claims he can stop any time. When I challenged him to go the entire weekend without looking at an adult site, he lasted exactly two hours. I am now seriously concerned about us getting back to a normal sex life. Should I insist he get some therapy?

—Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

My Husband Yelled at Me for My Very Reasonable Mother’s Day Request. I’m Crushed.

This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only

My Boyfriend and I Are Deeply in Love. But There’s a Big Part of His Life He’s Keeping From Me.

Your concerns about how this very intense habit your husband has developed might affect your sex life together are valid, though it’s not a certain outcome. More concerning to me, because of his apparent inability to go more than two hours without looking at explicit media, are the implications for his general mental health and well-being. I don’t believe in the concept of sex addiction as a one-for-one analogue of, say, alcohol or opioid addiction. My opinion is informed by those of respected sex therapists such as Dr. Marty Klein and what I’ve seen in people first-hand. There’s a big, juicy “but” coming, which is that destructive sexual behaviors that people struggle to control absolutely do exist. They’re usually caused by immense shame, or by other mental health issues or neurological disorders that affect impulse control, decision making, or are fueled by compulsions. Speculation about what exactly is at play is best left to a medical professional who can take a full history and run various diagnostic tests, starting with either a psychologist or a primary care physician. This is critical if your husband’s inability to control his behavior is a new development.

It’s also possible that moving from a potentially playful challenge to stay away from porn sites for two days, to a statement that you think he should be evaluated by a doctor, could make the seriousness of the situation apparent to your husband and inspire him to control his actions. If he isn’t able to do so, you’re looking at a real problem.

—Jessica

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