My Husband Wants a Divorce for a Good Reason. I’m on Board, Except for One Requirement.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband “Josh” and I were both widowed young and didn’t remarry until our respective kids were in their 20s. I’ve always gotten along with my stepkids well but never been super close. Josh has always had a progressive illness, but it’s been well managed until recently. According to his doctors, we’re looking at approximately two years of very expensive and very painful care with a narrow chance of stabilizing—but likely hospice in the end. Josh wants us to divorce so that we can protect our assets from his soon-to-be-unpayable medical bills, with a strong written agreement about how he will continue to live in our home, etc. to protect him. Our financial advisor and lawyers agree that we can make this happen, but there’s one sticking point: He refuses to tell his kids.

They know he’s very sick, and I think they deserve to know, but he claims it’s too private. I don’t want them to find out by accident or think I somehow hurt their dad in his time of need. How do I approach this?

—Soon to Be Divorcee

Dear Soon to Be Divorcee,

First off, my heart goes out to your family, because this is an absolutely gut-wrenching decision to live with. I agree with your reasoning regarding protecting your assets from seizure, but I strongly disagree with not telling the kids about the divorce.

They will end up finding out eventually, and you will be the one left holding the bag of their resentment. Even though you know the truth, how could you sway them to believe that divorce was his idea? If I was in their shoes, there’s no way in the world I would believe you, and that could end up ruining your relationship with your stepkids forever.

I know your husband’s heart is in the right place because he’s doing this in an effort to protect his kids, but he’s not looking at the big picture. He may think this is private, but divorce isn’t really a private issue, because people can often look it up in public records to see if one occurred. You need to do everything in your power to get him to see the light, otherwise, he’s going to hurt a whole lot of people unnecessarily.

—Doyin Richards

From: My Husband Has Astronomical Medical Bills, But We’ve Conjured A Scheme To Avoid Them. (January 25th, 2023).

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My daughter has been dating the same guy for three years and they now have a child who will be 2 in a couple of months. All that time he’s lived here and has only had a job twice at the same company, which he got fired from. He hasn’t worked since October but tells me he’s looking for a job. She goes to work a couple of days a week and they pay no rent. They pay for their own food and car insurance. My daughter does not make a lot of money. She’s a hostess at a restaurant, but I am tired of supporting two grown adults and a baby beside myself. I forgot to mention that I’m on a pension. How do I get out of this?

—Tired of It All

Dear Tired of It All,

The best way to get out of this situation is with a strong dosage of tough love. I’m not saying you need to cut off your daughter and her partner immediately, but they need to be put on notice right away.

You should give them three months’ notice to find stable employment and a place to live (or start paying rent to you) or else they will need to move out. Yes, I know that’s harsh—but they are grown adults, not children, and you shouldn’t enable them to be free-loaders. The other alternative is for them to drain your pension while you deal with a boatload of resentment, and I know you don’t want that.

You may feel guilty for being heavy-handed, but I promise that you’re doing them a favor in the long run. Don’t waiver on this decision, no matter how bad you feel. Three months is a generous amount of time to get the ball rolling.

—D.R.

From: My Adult Daughter And Her Boyfriend Are Mooching Off My Pension. (January 25th, 2023).

Dear Pay Dirt,

My lovely 19-year-old daughter really wants a nose job. She wants one as her nose (my family nose) is a bit big and bumpy. My wife and I don’t believe that she needs the surgery and find the thought of it scary and distasteful. We are also quite appalled by the thought of spending such a significant sum on a pointless vanity project.

We are mostly supporting her through university, and she has some savings (gifted from her grandparents years ago). It is a lot of money, more than we would currently spend on some long desired home improvements/holidays. She has enough independent finances to be able to afford a “travel surgery” in an unregulated market, which is the riskiest solution. She has asked us to fund the surgery near home.

We are instinctively saying no, but… I don’t want to use my relative wealth/power to control her. We have supported her through hair dyeing, contact lenses, and dental braces. I am not sure whether nose surgery is really that different. Is it?

—You Want Me to Pay for What?

Dear Pay for What,

How medically significant were the dental braces? Some tooth alignment is almost entirely about aesthetics, and some are more about addressing misalignment that causes or may cause issues with jaw pain, chewing, the ability to keep the teeth clean, etc. Also, is there any evidence of a deviated septum or other medical reason to undergo this surgery? Depending on the answers to those questions, braces and rhinoplasty might be pretty similar, or pretty different. Hair dye is clearly different, based on cost, temporary nature, and the fact that it doesn’t involve surgery. And contact lenses seem much closer to hair dye than a nose job.

Even if your daughter’s desire to change her nose is entirely about aesthetics, though, resist the temptation to dismiss this as “a pointless vanity project.” It would be really lovely if we lived in a society where what people look like didn’t matter. But it does, in many different ways, which are generally more significant for women. This is likely a lot more complex than vanity.

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Your daughter is 19—a legal adult. What she does with her face, and her money is her decision. If she wants this surgery and is aware of the risks associated with traveling for an operation, that is her choice to make. But you might ask her about her risk assessment. Language proficiency is one factor that seems likely to pop up. Having a smooth consultation with a doctor who isn’t a native speaker of your native language is one thing. Having a successful interaction with an airport worker or a waiter in a language that you don’t natively speak is a similar kind of thing. Needing to articulate something complicated and hard to describe, such as “My veins feel like they’re on fire, like an itching burn,” when your brain is foggy is an entirely different scenario and translation apps have a way of failing when situations are sticky. Rather than lay several concerns out for her, ask questions designed to help her think through all the possibilities she may not be seeing, such as whether the facility she’s considering has translators available at all hours.

If your daughter is framing your denial of her request as you trying to control her, do take some time to consider whether you have controlled her that way in the past, and address that if necessary. But I’m not seeing signs of control in your letter. If she decides she’d rather have the surgery in the country she lives in, she can continue to save up. And if you’re worried about her recovering from surgery alone, consider offering to take a vacation to the same region during the time of the procedure.

—Jessica Stoya

From: I’m Not Sure Funding My Daughter’s Nose Job Is Really All That Different From Braces. (January 24th, 2023).

More Money Advice From Slate

We had kids late in life, and people cannot stop telling us we “will never be able to retire.” I used to laugh it off. But we grew up with little money, so I’m beginning to wonder if there is something we don’t understand about paying for college. We are 50-year-olds with a 4- and a 6-year-old. I’d like to retire at 60 or 62 at the latest.

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