Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My husband has developed a manageable but life-changing autoimmune condition. It’s frightening, but outside of some serious changes to his diet and medication, little has changed in our lives. The problem is my sister. She went down a New Age rabbit hole many moons ago and now strongly believes that modern medicine is a con, and I cannot believe what she is saying.

She seriously believes that my husband’s ailment is due to past life trauma and psychic residue that can be ameliorated through crystals and throat singing to stimulate the Vagus nerve, alongside a host of other things. She constantly bombards us both with brochures, leaflets, and quotes from everyone from Gabor Mate to the Dalai Lama. My husband, who is both practical and ill, has asked me to get her to back off or “kindly bury her at a crossroad with a stake through her heart” (he’s joking, kind of), but I have no way of getting her to listen.

The situation is festering and I know if I don’t dissuade her, my husband is going to tell her to back off firmly and directly, in a way that will make it very difficult for us to interact. Any thoughts on shutting her down? She’d be heartbroken if she knew just how angry she is making him with her oblivious remarks and, awfully, she’d see that as confirmation that he has “unexpressed rage from past lives that is dysregulating his immune system.”

—Ourooros

Dear Ourooros,

Try something like this: “Hey Indigo. Thanks so much for thinking of Kyle and his health. We both appreciate your care for him! Something most people don’t know about him is that he’s a person who finds it stressful to receive a lot of ideas about his condition and would rather just take his specialist’s advice. He’s also pretty traditional so the alternative stuff won’t land with him. I have an open mind so here’s my idea for making the most of your insights: Why don’t you just send anything you come across directly to me, and I’ll feel out when and if it’s a good time to share it with him?” If you want to move away from the topic you can pivot to “Can you remind me who I was in a past life and how it might be connected to this issue I’m having with my manager at work?”

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Dear Prudence,

I’m dating a wonderful girl and I’m ready to propose, but there is one problem. When we spend the night together, she shifts around in her sleep until her face is always smashed up against mine, cheek against cheek. This happens every time, and if I move, she always shifts to follow me. The same thing happens if I wake her up once she falls asleep again. I get so uncomfortable that I’m awake all night and then a total wreck in the morning.

Half my friends and family say to break up because it will never get better and the other half say I would be a total jackass if I dumped her over this. I think the latter group is right. She’s funny, she’s kind, and she’s a lot smarter than me. We have the same goals for the future and we both want kids. I love her, but I’m so exhausted every morning and I don’t know if I can live like this forever. But also, I don’t want to start sleeping in separate beds right from the honeymoon.

—Too Close for Comfort

Dear Too Close,

Here’s something about our society that I think we make unnecessarily hard: We force little kids, who often want nothing more than to sleep near their parents, to sleep alone. But once we become adults who annoy each other and can’t agree on the temperature or the weight of the comforter or the level of cheek contact (and who have zero fear of the dark or being alone), we absolutely insist that we have to power through the discomfort and sleep together. Why? It feels like this makes life—which can already be very hard—more challenging in a way that’s not necessary. After all, what do you think will happen if you’re in the guest room (you said “separate beds,” so I don’t even think we’re talking about a couch here) right from the honeymoon? Really think about it. What will it mean for your relationship if you and your partner to not be together during a time of day when you’re unconscious? I sincerely don’t think there will be any harm aside from the worry that this is a sign that you aren’t doing well as a couple.

But this worry is dumb. It’s important to distinguish between sleeping in separate beds because one person kicked the other out or because the spouses can’t stand each other, and sleeping in separate beds because sleep is important and it’s not happening when the spouses are together. And keep in mind, you can do whatever you want to do in bed together before you fall asleep—or you can even fall asleep with her, and then quietly move to the other room the first time getting chased around the bed by a cheek disturbs you. Then you can hop right back in the minute you open your eyes in the morning, not losing any awake time together. You can even do it before you brush your teeth if you want to have the full, intimate experience.

Suggest this to your partner, and do it without treating this as a heavy, negative topic. Because it’s really not. You don’t even have to blame her for her clingy sleep habits or expressly say that you find her face cuddling unpleasant. Frame it like this: “It seems like we love each other so much that we can’t stop interacting even when we need to be sleeping. We’re following each other around the bed all night and sometimes we end up in uncomfortable positions and I start to worry about moving again and disturbing you. As a result, my sleep has been terrible. So when I get antsy in the middle of the night, I’m just going to go sleep in the other room to make sure I get a few more hours and can be in a good mood to function and enjoy you when we’re awake. And I’ll come right back first thing in the morning so you won’t even miss me! I can bring coffee if you want.”

Dear Prudence,

My father walked out on my mother when I was 8 and my younger sister was 5, for a woman who knew he was married with two young kids but pursued him anyway. He rarely paid child support until my mother got the court to garnish his wages, and we never saw him again after he left. Fast forward 24 years. Turns out I have a 21-year-old half-sister, “Hazel,” who has reached out to me and wants to connect with me and my sister. I haven’t responded yet, but I honestly don’t trust myself not to go off on her about how her mother destroyed our family and caused me and my sister to grow up in poverty because of it. Would it be best if I just ignored her?

—Unexpected Sister

Dear Unexpected,

My Husband Doesn’t Want Our 5-Year-Old to Attend My Brother’s Wedding. His Reason Has Me Questioning Everything.

I can’t imagine how hard this was for you, your mom, and your sister, and it makes sense that you’d still be really angry about your father’s selfish choices. Emphasis on your father’s. He is the one who had a responsibility to you and your family. It was his job to put you first and protect your feelings, even if he was being pursued. Hazel’s mom didn’t ruin your family. He did. He was inclined to cheat and if it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. And it goes without saying that Hazel, who wasn’t even born when the affair occurred, is totally innocent. I’m sure you know all this. But you also know that you don’t feel it. The very thought of talking to Hazel makes you want to dump all of the pain your father caused on her. That’s a good thing to be aware of, and I appreciate that you want to avoid doing it.

My suggestion is that, instead of ignoring her, tell her. Here’s a message you can send. “Hi Hazel. Thank you for reaching out! I have to be honest and tell you that I’m still in a lot of distress over my dad’s affair with your mom. I know you had nothing to do with that, but I don’t think I can be in touch with you without my anger and hurt dominating our relationship. If I get to a place where I feel better about it and can get to know you as a person, I will let you know. I hope you understand.”

I’ll end by suggesting that you should really try to get to that place. Because it could allow you the opportunity to connect with Hazel, who could possibly add a lot to your life. But also because you’ll feel better overall if you’ve had a chance to work through your anger at the father the two of you share.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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