Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 15-year-old doesn’t want to learn how to drive. He’s been able to work towards his permit for over a year, and he doesn’t want to start the process. I don’t get it. When I was 16 and able to get my permit, I went to the DMV on my birthday, and so did all my friends! It was a rite of passage!

But my kid is not only uninterested in driving, he’s actively against it—he’s like, why should I spend hours of the summer in driving school (which the state requires) for something that I don’t want to do and will probably kill me? This is the thing: He keeps saying that he doesn’t want to die on the road, or kill anyone else.

My bestie said “bribe him,” but there’s nothing he wants—at least, nothing he wants more than he wants to not drive. I’m not about to force him, because that’s horrible, and how would that even work? My gut says to pull back on driving him places and let him face the natural consequences. It’s also worth noting that we live about a 15-minute bike ride from a bus stop, so public transportation isn’t a terrific option. He is a deep, sweet, thoughtful kid and I don’t think he’s trying to be a jerk; I think he’s anxious, and a perfectionist who doesn’t want to mess anything up. I also think he’s worried about what this means in terms of getting older and moving into a new stage of maturity—this is not the first time he’s had this type of reaction to a milestone. He’s a good kid, honestly, like, top-tier. However, the driving situation is causing a ton of stress for both of us, and I’m not sure what to do.

—(Not) Driving me Bananas

Dear (Not) Driving,

I’m guessing we’re around the same age—we at least have kids the same age—and yeah, getting your license on your 16th birthday was just the done thing. (I felt like such a loser when my parents delayed signing me up for driver’s ed and I had to get my license three months after my 16th birthday.) But that’s not the case for many teens today, for many reasons.

I do think it’s worth trying to talk with your son about this if you can do so calmly and compassionately, and perhaps support him in addressing his anxiety or perfectionism or whatever else might be currently holding him back. If he’s willing to take the initial step of getting his permit, then he’ll at least have the option of driving with you to see if he thinks he can handle moving forward with driver’s ed. But be sure not to make him feel like something is wrong with him if he doesn’t want to drive right now—whatever is going on, you don’t want him to shut down or not talk to you about it, and you don’t want to make any driving-related stress loom even larger in his life.

To be honest, I wouldn’t pull back too much on driving him places. That doesn’t mean you need to say yes every time; it won’t always be convenient or possible. But not driving him to send a message feels a bit passive-aggressive and punitive, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He’s still a kid, and it’s fine that he’s still dependent on you for many things, including rides. (Even if he had his permit right now, you’d still need to be in the car with him!) Friendships are so important at his age; teens really need to be with their friends. If your son is isolated from friends all summer because you are trying to send him a message, that will probably not be great for his anxiety or his general mental health.

I get that you’re frustrated, but try not to make this a bigger deal than it is. Your son is only 15; he has plenty of time to learn to drive. Try to be patient with him: there’s a good chance that longing for independence (and a dash of FOMO) will eventually get him to the DMV on his own timeline.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three boys: “Otto,” almost 8; “Fred,” almost 5; and my youngest, “Tommy,” who just turned 21 months. The problem is Tommy. He hits Fred, and not playfully—hard enough to make him cry. What makes it stranger is the selectivity: Tommy doesn’t go after Otto, and his teachers say he’s perfectly fine with other kids at school. It’s Fred, specifically, and it’s consistent.

We do respond—something like “No, Tommy, we don’t hit”—but I honestly don’t know if it’s landing at all, or if the attention is reinforcing it. When he uses a toy as a weapon, we take it away, which feels like the clearest consequence we can deliver. But beyond that, I’m stuck. Separating Tommy might seem like the logical move, but it creates its own problem; at this age, being pulled into a separate room with a parent’s full attention reads as a reward, not a consequence. And if I’m the only parent home, I can’t be in two places, and I don’t want to leave Fred upset and uncomforted to go sit with the child who just hit him. I’m not naive about what a 21-month-old can and can’t understand, but there’s clearly something behind this, and “wait it out” doesn’t feel good enough when Fred is on the receiving end every few days. What can we do?

—Hitting Trouble

Dear Hitting Trouble,

I Explicitly Told My Boyfriend Never to Give Me This One Gift. He Did It Anyway, and I’m Furious.

I Want to Experience This Life-Changing Part of Sex. I’m Considering a Risky Move to Achieve It.

I think you’re already on the right track by clearly communicating to Tommy that it’s not OK to hit or hurt others. And while a short timeout might also be fine, you’re right that making Tommy the focus of your attention during the timeout could send the wrong message. I know it’s tricky if you’re the only parent or caregiver present, but try to focus as much as possible on Fred—both to comfort him, and also to make sure Tommy understands that hitting won’t get him your attention.

You mentioned that you think something is behind Tommy’s hitting. It’s worth paying attention to what happens right before Tommy lashes out at Fred. Is he mad at Fred, or generally having a frustrating day? Does it happen more when he’s tired or hungry, or right after Fred has received some attention? Is Tommy bored and trying to get someone to focus on or play with him? If you can figure out what triggers the behavior, you might be able to head it off more effectively.

If you think Tommy might be looking for interaction with or attention from Fred, specifically, you can model a gentler, healthier form of it—like a hug, high five, or pat on the back. And of course, praise Tommy and give him lots of positive attention when he is gentle or affectionate or playing nicely with his brother.

—Nicole

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My daughter, “Amanda,” is 12. Her best friend, “Amber,” has a 15-year-old sister, “Mara,” who, less than a month ago, got her learner’s permit and started practicing to drive. She has not taken driver’s ed yet. But today Amanda told me that Amber and Mara’s parents allowed Mara to drive, with my daughter in the car, for a long trip involving the highway!

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