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The House of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the events of this week’s episode, in which points are awarded to characters on a scale of 0 to 10. Points will be awarded for any or no reason.
You have to give House of the Dragon credit for what it gets right about power. The overarching lesson of the show, and Game of Thrones before it, is that a lot of people want power until they actually get it, at which point they realize that wielding it is kind of a pain in the neck. Everyone wants something from you. A lot of them think they deserve the job and could do it better than you. Solving one problem causes two or three more. It’s never quite what you expected, and you wish you could explain that to everyone else lusting after it, but they won’t listen because they’re too busy trying to kill you and take it for themselves. This is why your manager at work always looks so stressed out. Maybe not the part about getting murdered. Definitely the other stuff, though.
Rhaenyra gets that now. She got everything she thought she wanted, and she’s miserable trying to deal with it. Half of the characters on the show want to replace her, even though they should know better. Ormund has, like, three schemes going at once to get more power, or at least take it away from a woman with a dragon. Aemond wants to be king mostly out of spite. Aegon hated being king and was terrible at it and even he’s still trying to get back on the throne for some reason. Pretty much the only character who doesn’t want more power is Alicent, who actually wielded it for a while and saw what it did and now just wants to flee with her secretly pregnant daughter and help her raise chickens in the countryside.
You’d think everyone else would see that and learn something from it. I guess that would be a pretty boring show, though.
To the points.
While it’s somewhat understandable given the circumstances (she had to chop off her friend’s dad’s head; her son locked her in her bedroom and then ran off and got himself and his dragon killed; her advisers hate each other; there is already a plot afoot to undermine her; someone is doing mean graffiti about her; no one will coronate her; the gold is gone; she had to flood the city with cats to try to control the rats; her husband would very much like to become a god and kind of won’t stop talking about it; etc.), her speed-run from “I want to be queen” to “perhaps the gods have conspired to sabotage my efforts” is really quite impressive.
I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that she can now blame Ormund for a lot of her problems. Like, it’ll be nice for her to have one enemy to focus on for a bit, you know? Probably. Maybe. Although she might get all paranoid about that, too. What I’m saying is that there’s a non-zero chance next week’s episode opens with her tripping over one of the cats and deciding to have every feline in the kingdom killed because she’s worried they’re working for Ormund.
I will help make my former friend queen and escape with my daughter.
Caught escaping and saw her dad’s decapitated head on the floor.
Okay, I will bide my time until an escape becomes possible.
Discovers her daughter is pregnant with a potential challenger to the throne, putting them in jeopardy.
Okay, I will use my last remaining connections to acquire contraceptive tea for her.
Forced to drink it herself to try to trick Mysaria, who finds out anyway.
Okay, I will escape with my secretly pregnant daughter through this newly discovered secret passage.
Ends up trapped in a pitch-black, rat-infested hallway.
If anyone on this show should be making an argument that the gods are conspiring against her, it’s Alicent.
Daemon gets eight points for giving that rousing speech to his former men. I bet that felt incredible. Yes, sure, it appears that most of those men — including Ser Luthor, a loyal lieutenant who Daemon actually seemed to respect a little — ended up murdered and disemboweled and left either in the street or set up at a mock banquet for him to find, which is probably not the outcome he was looking for, all things considered.
But still, nice speech.
Hey, where do we think Vhagar is? I had been operating from the assumption that Alys had her hidden away via witchcraft somewhere in Harrenhal. In hindsight, maybe I was just thinking that because I wanted it to be true. I’m still kind of thinking it, to be honest. Call it naive if you will, but sometimes, in the absence of factual proof in the alternative, it’s nice to just assume the funniest possible outcome is the correct one. I can’t think of many things funnier than Alys joyriding on a dragon and cackling in the sky while the dragon’s mopey rider pouts in a leaky castle.
On a show filled to the brim with characters who can’t get a single plan to work as intended, Alys has a rogue prince — who may or may not have a powerful dragon in the near future — murdering goons for her with a sword and literally whimpering “mother” as he rests his head in her bosom.
Reasonable arguments can be made that she’s the most competent character on the show. In fact, I think I just made one.
Three things to note about Ormund this week:
1) He’s pivoted nicely from relying on Aemond and Vhagar to a plan that involves sowing chaos and propping up a challenger by, among other things, printing new money with the challenger’s face on it.
2) When he flipped over that board after losing a game to a child, I laughed out loud.
3) His hatred of dragons is slowly becoming one of my favorite parts of the show.
I still hate him. Obviously. It’s just nice to have a proper villain around.
He’s a sweet kid who doesn’t want responsibility and hates doing homework. I am becoming dangerously attached to this young, doomed man.
I like Helaena. I do. She didn’t ask for any of this and doesn’t particularly want it and I really do feel for her in that regard. But… I mean… if you had told me before this episode that it would end with Helaena trapped in a secret chamber because she got tricked by a cat, I would have listened to you, paused for a second or two, and then said: “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
Alicent hit her with one of those “we’re not so different, you and I” speeches and it left her questioning her entire position with Rhaenryra. I hate it. Alicent is probably right, but I hate it.
Aegon and Aemond both:
• Whined to a manipulative adviser that the other had it easier and was loved more and how it was all really just very unfair and mean
• Were promptly manipulated again by that adviser, with Larys giving Aegon tough love to be stronger and more resilient, and Alys giving Aemond the sympathy and comfort he craves to make him do her bidding
• Stabbed a guy or three
They’re not so different, either.
Two great Larys moments this week:
1) Chewed out Aegon in a way that had to feel incredible
2) Watched Aegon kill a guy in the street and reacted with what I can only describe as an exaggerated Oh, brother
That’ll get you 10 points.
[gritting teeth so hard they turn into dust]
I… I almost… I almost have to… respect… Criston… for choosing to go out… with… honor inst—
[begins coughing on teeth dust]
… instead of ben—
[coughing continues, face reddens]
… bending the kn—
[passes out from lack of oxygen, wakes up five minutes later]
What was I saying? Eh, I bet it wasn’t important. Moving on!
A sick part of me hopes the entire next episode is just Gwayne back at home, drunk on wine and moaning to anyone who will listen about how Criston wasted his time.
Baela isn’t sleeping or eating and is frantically seeking redemption after blaming herself for Jace’s death. Rhaenyra won’t look her in the eye. There’s going to come a point where she realizes it was her sister on Sheepstealer.
It is now my hope that she and Addam fly off on their dragons and start a family on a nice island far away from any of these people. It won’t happen, obviously. I also want their dragons to have dragon babies, even though I don’t even know if that’s biologically possible. I’m not going to look it up, either. I’m just going to let myself have this thought for a week or so.
Addam just wants you to take a nap and have a snack. You need someone in your life like this. Addam is a good man.
Two notes on Torrhen:
1) If all he ever does going forward is whisper the names and biographical information of every character as they walk into the room, theoretically to a new member of the Council but also to the audience at home, he will become the most important character on the show by a not-insignificant margin.
2) For the record, this is the same service provided by The Rock in Fast Five, where he’d meet one of the 500 characters in the franchise and promptly say, “Ah, I read your file” before listing off biographical bullet points that served as a refresher for the viewing audience.
On that point, let’s get to…
You can be forgiven if you forgot about Tyland, former Master of Coin and former twin brother of Jason Lannister, whose decapitated head was one of many we’ve seen rolling around this season. The last time we saw Tyland, he was getting shoved off a boat by the Sea Snake in the season premiere, presumably to his demise, during the Battle of the Gullet. Whoops. Hello again, Tyland. Nice cloak.
What’s he up to with Larys and Aegon? I, for one, do not know. I was so busy looking through notes to remember who he was and what he did on the show — Orwyle sort of accused him of stealing the gold, which would make this more interesting — that I never really got around to forming an opinion on him. I know it would defeat the purpose of hiding and lurking and sneaking around, but it would be nice if everyone on this show started wearing a name tag.
Two or three episodes ago, I had very little opinion on Orwyle. Now, after watching him suggest assassinating the High Septon and slink around the castle to deliver contraceptive potions to his friends, I honestly get a little excited every time he shows up on the screen.
Let’s check in with Oscar Tully:
— Shows up at the beginning of the episode for like 45 seconds and immediately outsmarts Criston
— With Jace gone, now possesses the most adorable head of hair in the Realm
— Looks so little like an Oscar that I laugh every time I think about it
More of him, please.
I choose to believe the rats had a big meeting off-screen where they discussed how to deal with the new cat problem. My hope is that this leads to a scene in next week’s episode where two characters are talking about some palace intrigue or whatever, and, way in the background, barely in the shot and otherwise unmentioned, we see what appears to be two dozen rats piled up on top of each other in an attempt to look like a big mean dog.
This is what I meant earlier when I was talking about assuming the funniest possible outcome until proven wrong. Now you’re picturing two dozen rats trying to look like a dog and no one can take it away from you.
Alys the Witch: 32
Mysaria: 31
Alicent Hightower: 29
Helaena Targaryen: 28
Alyn of Hull: 25
Larys Strong: 25
Daemon Targaryen: 25
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 22
Grand Maester Orwyle: 22
Hugh Hammer: 21
Addam of Hull: 20
Corlys “The Sea Snake” Velaryon: 20
The Rats of King’s Landing: 19
Ulf the White: 18
Ser Torrhen Manderly: 18
Rhaena Targaryen: 15
Baela Targaryen: 15
Ormund Hightower: 15
Ser Gwayne Hightower: 15
Daeron Targaryen: 12
Ser Simon Strong: 10
Sylvi: 9
Admiral Sharako Lohar: 9
The One Guy at Harrenhal Who Saw a Massive Fire-Breathing Dragon Swoop Toward the Castle and Reacted by Shouting “DRAGON”: 9
Ser Oscar Tully: 7 points
Tyland Lannister: 7
Aegon Targaryen: 6
The High Septon: 5
Fake Daeron Targaryen: 4
Otto Hightower: 2
The Poor Shepherd Daemon Torched and Said Was Sheepstealer’s Rider: 2
Jacaerys “Jace” Velaryon: 1
Ser Lorent Marbrand: 1
Ser Criston Cole: 0.00000000001
Lord Jasper: 0
Aemond Targaryen: -97
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