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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 38-year-old woman who was raised in a very conservative household. Growing up, I was very attracted to several of my classmates, all girls, but I knew that my attraction would go over badly, so I never really acted on it. Then I met this guy in college; we started dating, it didn’t work out, and I dated a few more guys. One of them did work out. “John” is an amazing man, the love of my life, and we’ll be having our 10th anniversary soon.

He’s always made me feel accepted, warm, safe. I finally opened up to him about having always liked women, and I was hoping to seek his blessing to try some sexual experiences outside the marriage with other women. Only, I was super, super nervous, and some of the things I said came out wrong. I got that permission, but now he’s under the impression I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. He’s completely stopped initiating, and the one time I’ve tried to initiate since, he told me he doesn’t need my pity.

That is absolutely, 100 percent not what I meant. But he now seems to be under the impression I’m some kind of repressed lesbian and never wanted him in the first place, and that the entire marriage has been some kind of sham. I need to fix this, but every time I open up about it, I seem to make things worse. What can I do now?

—Part-Time Bi, Full-Time Denied

Dear Part-Time Bi, Full-Time Denied,

You are blaming yourself and the way that you delivered the news of your interest in women for the downturn in your sex life with your husband. Your presentation of the facts in your letter may in fact be true, and it is important to be aware of your lapses in communication, but you should at least consider that your husband’s reaction may come in part or totally from his own insecurities. It would be a mistake to rule out the fragile male ego from having an outsized role in this issue. If that’s the case, and you want to get back on track, you’ll have to work with that ego—just know that you may be unfairly assuming all the blame here.

If every time you open up, you’re digging yourself further into the hole, try telling less and showing more. I’m not sure how much time has passed since your admission, but initiating sex once is clearly not enough to convince your husband that you’re still into him. Proposition him more and let him know it’s not out of pity, but genuine attraction and lust. Brace yourself for rejection and for more uncomfortable conversations. I get the sense from your letter that you don’t tend to be the one who initiates sex, but this situation is calling for greater effort on your part. It won’t necessarily be this way forever, but it’s a delicate time, and you want to speak to be heard. Make it clear that you’re still into him and keep doing so until he understands. This may just take time to resolve. He might need to get used to the idea that you aren’t 100 percent straight, which might be a process for him.

You can also modify your request. Maybe you propose bringing in a third so that your husband doesn’t feel left out of your exploring. Not everyone enjoys group sex, and you may very well only want to experience women on your own—that’s fine and completely valid, but if you would be open to playing together with your husband (provided that he is into it, too), it could be a way of deepening your bond as a couple, not threatening it. Another option is to take other women off the table for now. You can tell him that you see your admission upset him, and that while that doesn’t change your attraction or desire to act on it, you are willing to delay your exploration as he warms up to the idea. This would be a way of letting him know he’s still important to you while affirming that your attraction to women does exist and you will want to act on it at some point.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear How to Do It,

I think my partner (male, 33) is somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. We’ve been together for eight years, since he was 26. He, however, thinks he has a “normative” male sex drive. It doesn’t actually matter to me, as I am also somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, which I didn’t realize or share with him until a few months ago.

We are just curious if you can settle the debate for us: Is this a normative sexual drive, or significantly less than “normative”? He has never (until me) been in a relationship that isn’t long-distance, making sex infrequent with all previous partners (there were three partners before me). We have sex three to five times per year, 100 percent of the time initiated by me. If I point out how infrequently we have sex, he insists we have sex “fairly frequently.” He does not watch porn; he does not masturbate. This is not a normative male sex drive, right?!

—Asexual Dating an Asexual (they/them)

Dear Asexual Dating an Asexual,

Like asexuality, its inverse, allosexuality, exists on a spectrum. There are people who don’t identify as ace who are extremely horny and those who are less so. It is generally accepted that the defining characteristic of asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, so even those with low levels of attraction or less frequent motivation to have sex based on said attraction could plausibly identify as allo. Really, they can identify however they want, though. As you point out, the point is moot anyway thanks to your own asexuality. What is striking about your letter is that you found each other. If three to five times per year works for you and it works for him, that’s great.

Generally speaking, a sexless marriage/dead bedroom is defined as a relationship in which sex happens less than 10 times per year. But as with a lot of potential sexual dysfunction, this is only a problem if it is distressing. I do agree with you on at least one thing: Objectively, averaging sex once a quarter is not “fairly frequently.” Your partner’s lack of initiation isn’t necessarily an indication of asexuality, though. Some people have a more responsive desire, meaning that they tend to require a stimulus (like an invitation to sex) to get in the mood, as opposed to those with spontaneous desire who just seem to materialize their horniness out of thin air. Someone working with the two of you on this issue, though, would probably inquire about the quality of that sex. If you’re both enjoying it and you are satisfied, great. No need to stuff yourselves silly.

You pose your question as a desire to settle a debate. I don’t want to make a call on your partner’s desire and how normative it is, especially since I’m not hearing from him or getting the full story. (Maybe his fantasy life is vivid and he does some masturbation you don’t know about?) If this really is just out of sheer curiosity, I would say that the call that I’m comfortable making is that you have sex quite infrequently based on common wisdom among sex experts. But if you’re asking for other reasons, like if this actually bothers you, it’s potentially a problem in the making and could require further conversation and work. So you should make sure you have a real grasp on why this apparent non-issue prompted you to write a letter about it. In the event that there is something more bothersome there, perhaps talk to a sex therapist/couples counselor with your partner.

Share Your Story With How to Do It!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband participated in competitive cycling for more than a decade and now has been experiencing frequent erectile dysfunction. Drugs have not been particularly effective. He is extremely embarrassed and depressed as a result. What (if anything) can be done to improve our situation?

—Bike Boner Killer

Dear Bike Boner Killer,

My Teen Daughter Lost Her Friend Group. I’m Surprised By What It’s Done to Me.


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It Took Me Years to Finally Feel Like I Was Hot. Then I Met My Wife, and It’s Only Been Downhill Since.

There is indeed a positive correlation between cycling and erectile dysfunction, according to a 2021 meta-analysis of multiple studies, though the jury is still out on how much of a direct impact it truly has. His ED could simply be a function of getting older or an underlying health condition. There are plenty of ED treatments beyond the standard PDE5 inhibitor pills like tadalafil and sildenafil, though many require the approval of a doctor. Your husband’s embarrassment may be a barrier to care at the moment. He needs to reflect on which is worse: having erectile dysfunction or telling a professional about it so that he can potentially ameliorate it. You can encourage him to seek help, as this affects both of you and he’s the only one who can actually do something about it.

One of the alternatives is Trimix, a combination of drugs that are injected directly into the penis. That may sound daunting, but it has high rates of reported patient satisfaction as well as efficacy. Often, when oral meds don’t work, Trimix is prescribed. A more invasive therapy is a penile implant, in which a device is surgically placed inside the penis to effectively grant erections on command. We recently heard from a reader who underwent this surgery and said he was happy with it (though he was somewhat conflicted about being seen in gym showers with what looked like a persistent semi-erect penis). If you want some more information on implants, check out this past column featuring an interview with a doctor who performs them and has written about them extensively.

Other options may include penis pumps, cock rings, and urethral suppositories. All would be best explored with a doctor. Support your husband with gentle encouragement to pursue these many options at his disposal.

—Rich

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