I’ve been sick with Covid this week and I legit thought that this was some kind of fever dream when I read the headline this morning that there would be a multi-part miniseries “reexamining” Amadeus. Like what else is there to examine that wasn’t already flogged to death in the 1984 film adaptation? Oh right, I forgot, we don’t have original ideas anymore, just endless remakes.
Anyway, I have crawled out from under a mountain of used Kleenexes and spent bottles of NyQuil like the deranged plague monkey that I am to compose this brief, if not unhinged, list of 5 reasons why I am not excited about the new Amadeus remake by Sky TV (with no premiere date announced yet). Expect things to get very petty, readers, because I am on a disturbing amount of cold medicine and Not in the Mood.
1) What the fuck is this promo image? This is what they decided to with? The angle is bad, the lighting is bad, the whole thing is bad. Yes, please, give me a shot straight up the actor’s nostrils. I’m so offended by this image and the fact that it’s blatantly ripping off the famous image of Tom Hulce as Mozart from the 1984 film that I almost believe it was intended to be rage bait.
Who did it better? As if there’s any debate.
2) That wig is not giving me anything good. The bad angle of the photo could be part of the issue but I’m honestly not convinced it just isn’t a shitty wig. Alright, the 1984 film had its share of bad wigs, but at least they looked styled? Not like this broccoli-cut-meets-Historical-Mullet nightmare in plastic filament.
3) With the preponderance of decent 18th-century shows done in the last decade, you would think that there would be a glut of frock coats in costume stock that were more interesting and better fitting than this baggy bullshit.
4) CAN WE PLEASE DO AWAY WITH THE HISTORICAL 5 O’CLOCK SHADOW??? It’s not hot. It looks jarring. Stop it. We have the technology, and so did they. It’s called a razor. Look it up. It’s crazy what they can do with metal these days.
5) Do we SERIOUSLY need to remake this? Honestly? No really. It’s not so much that I love the original film, even though I do. It’s more that I would give Trystan’s undescended third testicle (the unofficial third member of Frock Flicks and our mascot) to see ANY film NOT about the low hanging fruit that is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Hell, if this was only about Salieri, I’d be all over this. But we have to stop this low-effort historical dick-sucking, because I’m bored, and it’s no longer interesting to see the same historical figures and same material remade over and over.
Heck, even this German film about Maria Anna Mozart, with objectively terrible costumes and so many egregious hairstyles that I lost count, looks WAY more interesting than another retread of Amadeus.
And now, the one reason I am actually interested in watching this show:
1) Paul Bettany.
Case closed.
No release date info yet on when we can expect to see this tour de force (imagine that is typed in sarcasm font), but we will let you know as soon as we know!
Tell me I’m being unfair and unduly harsh about this new Amadeus in the comments. I’ll just hiss at you from my cave of misery!
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