This time of year, most fanbases begin to drink the Kool-Aid again and believe that the fortunes of the hockey will grace their fabled team. You should be hearing, “This is our year,” at your local pourhouse, but I promise you it’s not. Your team won’t win the Stanley Cup. You know how I know?
The Bruins are among the most fabled hockey franchises in the history of the game, but right now they look like a department store at your local mall. Nothing is organized, and all of the glitz and glam of the retail experience of yesteryear now only exists in the form of a cheaply branded Pasta cologne. Zdeno Chara is out there running marathons, meanwhile, his former B’s are losing their identity faster than a 16-year-old ordering knockoff leggings on Temu.
Let’s be real here. Buffalo isn’t winning because, well, they are the Buffalo Sabres. From the league’s longest-running playoff drought to Stanley Cup Champions? I’d rather take my chances on the lottery than put any stake in the game for this infamous club. Tage Thompson hums the tune of a one-hit-wonder, and the rest of the group presents itself as a feeder team to genuine contenders.
The Hurricanes are one of those teams that give their fans just enough to pay too much for the tickets, but not enough to be considered anything more than a scheduled elimination. The most remarkable thing they have done over the last five years is offer a sheet to a guy who still has yet to get them over the hump. But hey, at least Rod Brind’Amour can bench press a lot. Mikko Rantanen took one look at what you all had going on and turned into a complete villain, using you as a place to crash before heading to Dallas to carry out his evil plan. Carolina won’t win cause they are a ‘sum of their parts’ team, but the math doesn’t add up to real success.
Remember when the Blue Jackets shocked the world and swept the President’s Trophy-winning Tampa Bay Lightning? Yeah, that was in 2019, and your team won’t win the Cup ‘cause they don’t play the stingy forecheck game anymore. Adam Fantilli was a great draft pick, but he won’t single-handedly propel a team to a playoff appearance in his second season, and the rest of the group has a lot to prove.
Agh, how the mighty have fallen. I guess the Red Wings don’t wanna join the Avalanche in ushering in a new era of success. They’d rather slap on the leg warmers and inlines, throw on the walkman, and glide on glory that was realized a lifetime ago. You won’t win the cup because you’re team is a shadow of what used to be a dominant and storied franchise. No real substance outside of J.T. Compher, who you are paying way too much for. Paying too much is your thing, though, in that fancy new arena! I liked The Joe.
You did it, y’all are repeat champions, and you managed to keep all of your best players. Just one problem, they all just got a year older, and you’ve officially ventured out of the goldilocks zone and are too close to the sun to recognize yourself. The saying goes: The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Just look at your neighbors in the Lightning, still have Kucherov, still have Vasilevsky, and yet, they can’t seem to weaponize a clear cap advantage anymore. Plus, rats are gross, so no threepeat.
The Habs won’t win because their fanbase tends to overhype and overexpect, which often leads to turnover in coaching and management. Kent Hughes isn’t going to lawyer his way into a winning franchise this season, but I think the Habs will end the Canadian Cup drought — like 2o-years from now. It’s only right, seeing as you traded away the Babe Ruth of hockey goalies because you went ahead and hired a coach that you knew didn’t get along with him. Swing and a miss!
Speaking of former glory, the Devils have a little bit of that. They would have had more if they hadn’t run into Joe Sakic and the boys, but still, it was respectable stuff. You know what’s not respectable? They have only won one playoff series in over ten seasons. It’s not in the cards for the Devils because they haven’t even scratched the surface of a real threat yet. You employ the second and third best Hughes brothers, and I bet you have a better chance of uniting all three of them than hoisting the Stanley Cup in 2025.
Do you all still play hockey? I don’t know because the New York Rangers cast a shadow that you can’t seem to peak out of. The Islanders aren’t gonna win the Stanley Cup because they aren’t even the best team in their state, let alone the league. The Rangers aren’t even that good either. Thanks for taking care of Semyon Varlamov, who might be the best Islander goalie of all time. I don’t know if Islanders management is keen on this, but to win games, you have to score goals. Getting rid of Lou Lamoriello was a first step but that doesn’t give you better players or coaches.
Remember how close it felt for Ranger fans after they beat their little brother Devils in the playoffs two years ago? Remember how we were told that Igor Shesterkin was the new best goalie in the league? Well, wouldn’t you know it, y’all have officially Carey Price-d yourselves, but with a goalie who isn’t nearly as good. That’s why you won’t win the cup. Maybe you can fill the rest of the roster out by hosting a local tryout and see if another Vince Papali-type story can carry the headlines rather than your lack of success.
The Senators are a hilarious team that somehow convinces themselves and their fanbase that they are the underdog that can. Your best player is an American whom you spent a month booing, and now you’re asking him to lead your team to the promised land? I feel like Brady Thachuk is the next Vegas Golden Knight, and if you asked me to bet on whether they would win the cup, I’d put my whole mortgage on absolutely not. The Sens won’t win the cup because they are microwavable Disney World food, where cup champs embody 5-star dining experiences.
Always Sunny is one of the greatest entertainment products of all time, and the Eagles gave you all a little glory, but don’t expect either glory or entertainment from the team with the ugliest uniforms in the NHL. You won’t win the cup because, my god, you’re boring and have a serious talent problem. Travis Konecny is your best player, and he’d probably be a second or third liner on any real competitor. Maybe Jalen Hurts can skate?
The Penguins won’t win the cup because they refuse to land or retain anything of real value around Sidney Crosby, who isn’t a kid anymore. It’s getting to the point where I feel someone should ask Crosby to blink twice if he’s being held against his will. Does Pitt only have Malkin and Crosby jerseys for sale in your team store, cause who else even plays there? You’re team isn’t even close, but hey, at least you can still hope and pray Crosby retires a Penguin, having won nothing after 2017.
Your team won’t win the cup cause the Colorado Avalanche broke your goalie. The Cat has been chasing a laser pointer ever since the Avs roasted him in the 2022 Stanley Cup Final. His jovial and playful pregame nonsense doesn’t work anymore, and unfortunately, neither does the team in front of him. Somewhere, Jon Cooper is explaining how proud he is of next year’s team as his pristine hockey mind already knows they are doomed. It’s all downhill since you thanked the captain who led you to three straight Stanley Cup appearances by showing him the door. Good luck with that.
The Buffalo Sabr… I mean, the Toronto Maple Leafs won’t win the Stanley Cup because the locals are running out of scapegoats, and soon enough they will chase every bit of talent away from the Hockey Meca. It’s as if Jerry Jones secretly runs the Toronto Maple Leafs, given the hype they generate despite owning the league’s longest cupless drought. I know you won’t win the cup cause you haven’t since people had earphones for their television sets and had to twist the knob to switch between 12 different channels.
Ovi did it! He’s the greatest goalscorer in the history of the game, but now, you have nothing to play for. You know you aren’t a real contender, and so you see the carrot is gone. You shocked the world last season with an incredibly successful regular season, but shocked no one when you couldn’t prove to be the real deal come playoff time. At least you got that one in 2018 to show as the games’ most prolific goalscorer. I guess. How is Ovi the best goalscorer ever, and still has a lesser career than Sidney Crosby?
There you have it, folks, that’s why your team won’t win. Doctors recommend you take this article with a grain of salt and a dose of humor, as it is meant to be lighthearted and fun. If you are triggered and choose to screenshot or share my comments, please tag me and call me out appropriately!