Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
The whole time we’ve been together, my husband and I have only owned one car. We used to live in a pretty walkable area and work at the same place or work from home, so sharing a car was never a problem. When we moved to a new town three years ago, that changed.
Now I have a 40-minute commute, and my husband has to do field visits for work a few times a week. The thing is, when we moved, my husband decided to finally buy a motorcycle. He has become quite an enthusiast in the last few year, and he has no problem riding the motorcycle for hours for fun or to meet up with friends. But when he has to do a field visit for work, he insists he needs the car. He says it’s always too hot or cold or rainy or late or he doesn’t feel like packing his gear into the bags or whatever.
Plus, he chooses the schedule for his site visits and they often inconvenience me in some way, like he wants to drop me off at work an hour early or have me Uber somewhere and then wait to meet him after work. I find it really frustrating because my work schedule and commute is always the same. The last thing I want to do is extend my already long and inconvenient day or change my plans when he could have planned better.
It’s maddening to me that my husband spent so much money on what has amounted to just a pleasure vehicle that he doesn’t intend to use for work at all. We could have bought a second used car outright, but now we can’t afford it—of course his motorcycle isn’t worth what we paid it for and there’s no recouping the cost of all the gear. Do you think I’m justified in just saying no more often? That he can just suck it up and ride his bike instead of putting me out? We share finances and the car belongs to both of us technically, but because he made the choice to buy a motorcycle, and I drive the car eight hours a week, I do tend to think of the car as mine.
—Wouldn’t Be a Problem If We Had Trains
Dear Wouldn’t Be,
I hear you: The scheduling stuff is maddening. Spending money that could have solved your shared transportation problem on a vehicle he won’t regularly use for work should have required your input. This wasn’t “his” money—it was household money that directly impacts your daily life. Now he gets his expensive toy AND priority car access while you handle early drop-offs, Uber fees, and constant schedule juggling?
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This pattern—him choosing to make his life easier and more fun, you adapting to that—is unsustainable and it’s unfair. So, start saying no. When his work trips inconvenience you, respond: “That doesn’t work for me. Take the motorcycle or reschedule.” Don’t negotiate or problem-solve for him. He created this situation; he can handle riding in less-than-perfect weather like millions of other motorcyclists.
Beyond this one issue, though, I wonder if his unilateral decision-making goes beyond choosing to invest significant household resources into something only he uses. If so, you’ll want to start a bigger conversation about joint financial decision-making. Major purchases affecting shared resources aren’t unilateral choices in supportive households.
At the end of the day, the real issue you’re facing isn’t transportation logistics—it’s a lack of respect and partnership. While I appreciate that some of the money was spent in pursuit of fun, choosing a motorcycle eliminated the practical second-car option, creating ongoing problems for both of you. I’m not sure he spent a nanosecond thinking how this would affect you.
A considerate spouse doesn’t spend money that could solve shared problems on personal entertainment, then expect their partner to manage the resulting chaos. He made adult choices about scheduling and spending; he should be able to handle the adult consequences.
—Ilyce
More Money Advice From Slate
I am a single mom to a 4-year-old boy, and while we aren’t exactly struggling, finances are always pretty tight. We live in a city with a very high cost of living, and rent especially eats up a lot of my salary. My grandfather, who is quite well-off, has helped me out with preschool tuition payments once or twice when I’ve been in a pinch. He has no other grandchildren other than my older brother and me and has been struggling with health problems for several years. He always made it clear that when he died, everything would be split equally, including his brownstone.
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