My mother-in-law knows about my severe allergy. She tried to sabotage me anyway.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Leah Prinzivalli, a Slate features editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

Recently, my mother-in-law came for a visit. I am seriously allergic to dogs and cats (I wish I weren’t!).

My mother-in-law has a Chihuahua, “Chari,” who accompanies her everywhere. She assured us that Chari would be staying with a dog sitter. Well, surprise! My MIL showed up with the dog in tow, claiming he “wouldn’t be able to stand being apart from his Mommy.” I ended up having to stay at my sister’s, and a cleaning service had to be hired to purge the house after my MIL and Chari left.

I am furious with my husband for siding with his mother over me. She lives three hours away, not three states, and it wouldn’t have been the end of the world for him to have insisted she go home due to my allergies. He thinks I made too big a deal over the situation, and even that maybe some exposure to the dog might have helped me develop some “immunity!” How can I get it into his head that he needs to support me in the future?

—Forced Out

Dear Forced,

I really wish I could get a glass of wine with you and hear about a million more details about your relationship with your mother-in-law, husband, and even this poor, anxious dog. But in the absence of knowing how you feel about these mammals, I’ve developed a conspiracy theory: Is it possible your MIL brought Chari on purpose, knowing you’d have to leave, because she was craving some solo time with her son? That’s exactly the kind of stunt I could see some of today’s overzealous #BoyMom parenting influencers pulling in 20 years when their beloved little princes grow up and get married. If there’s part of you that thinks bringing Chari was a bit of light bioterrorism in service of mother-son time, I’d gently float the idea that your husband makes a solo visit out to his mom soon, or plans another trip with just her. Even if the next visit is still a trip to your house, ask him to make sure to carve out a special activity or meal for just the two of them and inform his mom ahead of time about the plan. He should make the special activity something she’ll definitely want to do, and it shouldn’t allow dogs. It doesn’t sound like your MIL is willing to make accommodations for you, but maybe she’ll make them to visit a museum or attend a play with her son, and you’ll reap the benefits.

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Another possibility: Despite what I’m sure were clear explanations about your pet allergy, maybe your MIL didn’t quite comprehend that you would actually have to leave your house to accommodate her. There’s a small part of me that thinks now that she knows she inconvenienced you so deeply, she’d be too embarrassed to ever repeat this behavior. But my guess is she would have checked herself into a pet-friendly hotel or Airbnb immediately if that were the case.

So you’re right: The bigger issue here is that you need to compromise with your husband. Before the next visit, you two need to get on the same page about what you mean when you say he needs to support you. When you found out she was bringing the dog, was your first suggestion that she turn around and go home? I could see why she and your husband might bristle at that. I’m not sure it’s fair to insist that supporting you meant making her turn right around and go home. But making you leave wasn’t a fair solution either. It sounds like what you might need from him is an apology and an affirmation that he believes you when you say your allergies are real and challenging (sure, immunotherapy for allergies exists, but it’s not at all a simple process). And he might need you to affirm that you do want to spend time with his mom as long as her visit doesn’t put you at medical risk.

Whether the dog is just a dog and not a chemical agent meant to run you from your home, I’d like to issue all three of you a reminder that pet-friendly hotels and Airbnbs exist. A pet-friendly accommodation is a glaring third option that doesn’t involve anyone being chased from their house or canceling what I’d imagine was a much-anticipated trip. If there aren’t any near you, a friend, neighbor, or even local vet will know of a dog sitter who will be willing to watch Chari in the future. I wish all four of you many years of stress- and sneeze-free visits ahead.

—Leah

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