Most men take what happens during our steamy makeouts very personally. I can’t help it.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 59-year-old gay man who had a prostatectomy last year. I often receive aggressive, in-person flirtation from nice guys who obviously want to hook up casually. I owe them a warning, though.

I desperately want to say yes (with precautions), but when do I tell them that I won’t get hard? I’m a passionate guy who enjoys a lot of things, and can still have wild, dry orgasms. Rejecting a blowjob comes off as rejecting the person. Mentioning my prostate cancer is a mood killer for a casual flirtation, but guys take it personally if we make out and I don’t get hard (even though I’m totally into it). I have a BiMix prescription, but even then, it’s not very portable, and I have to excuse myself awkwardly. What explanation do I owe them, and when? If it’s a dealbreaker, I’m wasting their time. Nobody seems to understand the sad side effects of this surgery.

—From Top to Bottom But Still Alive

Dear From Top to Bottom But Still Alive,

I feel for you and agree—the effects of a prostatectomy are not discussed very often in mainstream forums. Especially lacking is how they impact gay sex. It sounds like you’re handling yours well, though. I don’t know for sure if your sign-off is a true reflection of how you’ve modified your sexual practices to your current abilities/interests, but if so: Bravo. You’re finding your way despite unfair limitations.

If you are identifying as a bottom, it is completely reasonable to say upfront to potential partners that your dick is off limits, especially in casual encounters. Plenty of bottoms don’t get hard and/or put no focus on their penises during sex. This may disappoint some vers/top guys, but it won’t turn them all off. The negative reactions you’ve received about your lack of erection won’t necessarily be the norm—you may just have encountered a less-than-ideal sample. You’re nearly 60 years old, and it’s not uncommon for guys to have erectile issues as they get older. You don’t have to explain yourself or talk about your surgery. They can take it or leave it. This may result in rejection, but so might identifying as a total top in the event that one encounters another total top. It’s OK to not be for everyone, as exciting as it is to be pursued on a mass scale. Let people take their disappointment and move on.

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So for hookups, I’d say you owe little to no explanation. You’re doing what you’re doing, it doesn’t involve your dick being hard, and that is that. If you were to embark on regular sex with someone, whether a sex bud or a boyfriend, that’s when you might want to say something. You’d want to do it sometime around when you notice things getting less anonymous. At that point, your partner will have already liked what you’ve offered so far, and hopefully, will be happy just keeping things as they are.

Familiarity might make the BiMix injection process a bit less awkward, too. Regarding that medication, it’s worth trying to break down the awkwardness you feel about that. It’s not ideal, but look at how amazing medical technology is! If someone really wants to play with your hard dick, there is a good chance that he will be accepting of whatever method you use to achieve it. Having to use drugs to achieve and maintain an erection can be humbling, but if you try to focus on the practicality, it may make it easier. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and have been together for 15. I have tried to have many conversations about sex and they are hardly productive. I have tried many of the common suggestions for improving sexual frequency, having a set day/time for it, asking her what I can do to turn her on, etc. But every suggestion is brushed off, she wants our sex life to be spontaneous, or she just has to be in the right mood to do it, and while I respect her answers to these questions they don’t help me figure out what I can do to help. Over the past year, I know she has made an effort to increase frequency for me, and I GREATLY appreciate it. However, there is a hitch.

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