How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a girl in my university theater group and we celebrated our final night of performance with an after party. I’ve been eyeing this cute guy a year below me and I asked his friends for help. We were both intoxicated (apparently he was more than me) and we flirted all night. We held hands and talked about first kisses and he fell asleep on my shoulder. It was an extremely soft, romantic moment I believe to be mutual!

Days later I’m left on delivered and his friends tell me he’s scared of me but he doesn’t seem to be avoiding me. Do I confess my love or accept silent rejection? Do I push down the situation and continue grieving the most romantic moment of my life? Please send help.

—Confess or Stress

Dear Confess or Stress,

This is very sweet, but what you describe sounds like a fleeting moment that probably owes a lot to the substances that were fueling it. If someone comes out of this situation scared of you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you did anything wrong, but it does mean that if you want to preserve any kind of dynamic with this person, you should ease off. I am inclined to trust his friends’ claims. They likely have his best interest in mind, and if he were into you, they’d probably be clamoring to hook you up. Friends typically have their friends’ best interest in mind. Right now they’re trying to keep you away from him. Granted, they could have nefarious motivation here that is targeting you for some reason irrespective of his feelings for you, but I doubt it.

Now is not the time to confess your love—some degree of it was loud and clear at the after party, and he’s freaked out by it. You must realize that, “He doesn’t seem to be avoiding me,” is hardly a ringing endorsement. It sounds like the minimum someone can do to remain civil with a peer?

With all that said, I don’t think you have to accept silent rejection, either. At least, not yet. See how it plays out. He may be temporarily shook and come around. Sometimes when people react strongly to us, it has way more to do with them than us. The level of intimacy that he experienced that night may have overwhelmed him. Maybe he is not yet mature enough to be able to properly handle that kind of encounter. But it just as easily could have confirmed that he wants nothing to do with you romantically. You’re in uni, which means you are young. It’s OK to be sad when something that you want doesn’t work out, but try not to spend too much time grieving. This person may not be right for you, but there’s probably several people who are. It’s just about finding them. Learning along the way will only aid in that goal. The lesson here is to not lean into something when someone is trying to push away. That’s a self-defeating strategy as you’re likely to only push him further.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nine years, and while our relationship is stable and loving, I’ve always struggled with doubts—partly from feeling I missed out on dating and partly from comparing my relationship to others. About seven years ago, I formed a deep connection with a coworker who helped me through a difficult move. Though I wasn’t physically attracted to him then, his emotional support and constant reassurance filled needs I didn’t realize were unmet. Over time, this became an emotional affair, including sexting.

I love my boyfriend and we’ve built a life together, but I still feel attached to this other man and get jealous when he dates. I’m starting to wonder if I want him, or if I’m attached to the validation he gives me. Now my boyfriend has proposed, and I feel torn and guilty. I want clarity so I can move forward—how do I untangle these feelings and decide what’s right?

—Confused and Guilty

Dear Confused and Guilty,

First of all, it looks like you already asked this question to Care and Feeding, our family advice column, and got some good feedback. But I will attempt to give you my own answer.

Talk about wanting clarity: Is the emotional affair with the coworker still happening? I am going to assume it is as “the validation he gives me” is in the present tense. That’s a long texting affair—seven years! Olivia Nuzzi has nothing on you. If I’m right, and you’re still actively communicating with this guy, well, of course you’re confused. You may be in an inadvertently poly situation, but you aren’t actively engaging in the practices that healthy poly living requires, including going about things ethically.

But here’s what really leaps out at me from your letter: You found, in a guy that you aren’t physically attracted to, with whom you’re in a mostly screen-based relationship, needs that weren’t being met. This, I think, says a lot about your current relationship. Why is your boyfriend not providing sufficient emotional support and reassurance? It’s practically impossible for one person to be everything another needs, but this seems like a fundamental flaw in the relationship. It may be that your boyfriend could be doing more in these areas, but it could also be that you need more than he can give. A direct conversation about this may be clarifying.

At the same time, the coworker is clearly out there living his life, regardless of your interactions with him. You’re hung up on someone who is, at this point, unattainable. The emotional support and constant reassurance may feel good, but you should at least ask yourself how genuine they are coming from someone who isn’t exactly focused on you in real time.

As things stand, neither of these guys seem like ideal partners for you, and your FOMO isn’t going to magically abate. It sounds like you know what you need to do, which is to experience more of what life and the dating field has to offer. Of course this is possible while retaining your boyfriend (again, you’d want to do the non-monogamy thing consensually), but I’m going to discourage complacency here. Don’t stay in something only because it’s where you are, and don’t confuse love with comfort. Unless your answer to the question, “Do you want to marry me?,” is an enthusiastic yes, I don’t think you should go forward with it. For now. The relationship with your boyfriend may be worth working on, perhaps via intense and frank conversations, in couples counseling, or both. But something needs to be said about the aspects of the relationship that aren’t serving you. If you were to talk to your boyfriend about your emotional affair with the coworker, you might come out of that feeling less guilty. Your boyfriend could also break up with you on the spot, but that would serve to untangle at least the logistics here. At this point, that sounds like a win/win to me.

Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!

The columnists behind our advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear How to Do It,

We’re a late-70s couple still having great sex. But despite us paying lots of attention to cleanliness, my wife gets a UTI almost every time, with complications of leaking. So we’re out of commission most of the time. No anal involved these days. She does love partial fisting and requires lots of action on the clit to come, but it’s getting to the point where she’s afraid of doing anything. What do you suggest? Urologist, gynecologist, gynecological urologist? Help!

—We Miss It

Dear We Miss It,

My Mother-in-Law Is Torturing the Entire Family With Her Beloved “Hobby.” I’m the Only One Willing to Do Something About It.

My Mom Saw Something on My Phone That She Didn’t Like. Her Response Has Been Horrible—and Hypocritical.

We Held Hands. We Told Stories. He Fell Asleep On My Shoulder. Then He Did Something Totally Baffling.

Your wife should definitely see a doctor, and in case you are playing a role in the infection, so should you. You may both need to undergo a course of antibiotics if you haven’t already. A doctor may want to test her (or both of you) for underlying conditions that may be the cause of the recurrent UTIs–for example, they’re more common in people with type 2 diabetes. If she isn’t urinating immediately after sex, cleaning her genital region before and after sex (wiping front to back), and staying hydrated, all of those things could help prevent the recurring UTIs. Cranberry tablets and juice (not the kind with added sugar), probiotics, and a supplement called d-mannose are other potential therapies that may help protect against UTIs (for more of these, check out this 2013 journal article). Your wife may want to look into pelvic floor therapy, as well, as there is data to suggest that it’s effective in treating recurrent UTIs (here’s a 1998 study of girls suggesting as much). Kegel exercises could be a good place to start. A prophylactic antibiotic regimen is another possible way of preventing UTIs, but again, that would require a doctor’s prescription. A gynecologist should be fine to visit, but a urologist may also be helpful. Your wife’s GP, for that matter, could be a good place to start. Just as long as she sees someone—you, too.

— Rich

More Advice From Slate

I had one genital herpes outbreak as a teen, and I never told anyone about it. Not even my sexual partners. In fact, I refuse to bring it up. I have a whole bunch of really good reasons for doing this, and I feel confident that I don’t need to disclose this, but is there anything I’m missing? Do you have holes to poke in my argument?

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.