By some standards, Angela and Brian are fulfilling the American Dream.
The 52-year-olds were high school sweethearts, have been married for 28 years, raised four children and will soon be empty nesters. They have a net worth of $1.57 million, including nearly $900,000 invested.
But Angela isn’t satisfied with their life.
“I just worry that life is passing us by, and we can be doing and spending more on life,” she wrote in her application to appear on author and self-made millionaire Ramit Sethi’s “Money for Couples” podcast. The couple joined Sethi for a recent episode, seeking advice to work through differences in their feelings around money. Their last names were not used.
“We never eat out. Vacations are once a year. He always thinks we are poor. I need someone to tell him that we are OK money-wise,” Angela wrote.
Brian disagrees. “I think she feels that we’re at a comfortable place financially right now for our plan going forward,” he said on the podcast. “I don’t see that. I think we just need more. I wish I would’ve started [investing] much earlier.”
Here’s Sethi’s advice for them.
The ‘hidden cost’ of frugality
Brian and Angela earn $188,000 a year and have $294,000 in debt between their mortgage and car payments. Their fixed costs account for 72% of their monthly income.
Sethi generally recommends these costs not exceed 50% to 60% of your income, but Angela and Brian have been paying extra on their mortgage, so they have some wiggle room, he said.
However, Brian and Angela’s most frequent financial disagreements revolve around relatively small money decisions, like groceries and dining out.
Angela does the shopping and financial management, so she has a good idea of what they can afford, the couple told Sethi. But Brian constantly nitpicks her purchases. Angela wants to go out to dinner or drinks more frequently, but Brian almost always says no.
“We’re living too little of a life, is the problem,” Angela said. Sethi agreed, and said the shrinking “didn’t happen all at once. It happened $2 at a time.” That’s the “hidden cost of decades of frugality,” he added.
It’s wise to live within your means, no matter your income. But Brian’s frugality, including his resistance to spend on things that will make his wife happier, seems to come at the expense of their relationship, Sethi said.
“First, you [budget] for a reason. Then, you do it out of habit. And sometimes, you start to believe you don’t deserve anything else,” Sethi said. “It goes beyond saving money on coffee. And sometimes in situations like this, you start to realize how narrow your life has become.”
While Angela would like to retire in the next five years, she fears Brian will feel like he needs to work “till he is 80,” she said.
Sethi walked the couple through retirement projections to show how their investments could change if they decide to put away more each month or retire later. But he warned that the financial logistics won’t matter so much if they can’t get on the same page about how they want to spend their time and money.
“The two of you have so many different options,” Sethi said. “But I don’t think any of it happens if you’re not actually connected, starting right now.”
In addition to showing them that they can afford the date nights and some of the immediate travel Angela would like to do, Sethi encouraged Brian to initiate planning nights out so he can get as excited about a date as Angela. And when Angela asks him to try a new restaurant or activity, “sometimes we just have to say yes and our feelings change later,” Sethi said.
Brian agreed he needs to “not give in, but compromise,” he said. “I think I need to be a better husband and compromise and rebuild the foundation of this relationship.”
Even if it’s small things like going out for coffee, planned activities together will help the couple start “getting those adventurous feelings back,” Sethi said.
They’re currently on track to have nearly $1.5 million in investments if they retire in five years and could see that value surpass $2 million if they wait 10 years. But either way, they are able to afford reasonable outings and activities, he told them.
“Whether it’s joining a group together or trying some new stuff, that brings you way closer,” Sethi said.
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