My aunt offered to give me money to buy a house. The rest of my family is going to be so mad.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My aunt recently offered to give me a significant amount of money so I could afford a place of my own. I work in a non-profit and could never afford to save up for it on my own between my college loans and sky-high rent. But I’m not sure I should accept it.

The problem is that it will be obvious to everyone else in the family that I got the largesse from somewhere.

I am afraid especially of an explosion from my brother and his wife. My sister-in-law has a prickly personality and is a serious introvert. After a few hours of socializing, she gets very irritated and snappy. My aunt retired to the same city as my brother and sister-in-law and made a strong attempt to stay in touch with them. She invited them out, invited them over, and often invited herself to family holidays.

I wasn’t there, but I heard about it from all sides. It was like my aunt couldn’t win. For example, she offered to help cook and clean for Thanksgiving, and my sister-in-law took it as an insult to her hosting ability. For Christmas, my aunt didn’t offer and that upset my sister-in-law, too. I have visited my aunt more in one year than my brother and his wife have in six. My aunt stopped sending gifts to their kids and just cards. My sister-in-law complained bitterly about that. I had to leave the room at the time before I said something bad. I mean, you make it clear you disdain and dislike this person but expect gifts from her? Really?

My sister-in-law has been let go from her last three jobs and had to stop their remodel midway because they couldn’t afford it. There was already a nasty incident where they cut off contact with my mom because she offered to take the oldest two kids on a Disney cruise—meanwhile, they wanted money for their own vacation. I really want to accept this gift but am worried about the consequences if it comes out. What do I do?

—Big Gift

Dear Big Gift,

Accept the gift and let them be mad about it. Your brother and sister-in-law can deal with their big feelings however they see fit—they’re adults and that’s their choice. You can’t change how they respond to the situation, but you shouldn’t have to put yourself aside to accommodate their bad behavior. There might be consequences, and you can choose how you react in response, but ultimately, their behavior is on them.

That said, you’ve been biting your tongue about the issue, so if they do have a big reaction to the gift, it could be an opportunity to get some of those feelings off your chest. You can do this without turning it into a big, nasty fight. When the issue comes up and they inevitably get upset about it, share your side of the story. Tell them the truth, but focus on your aunt and her feelings rather than their wrongdoing. Something like, “Aunt Jane loves you so much and she’s been hurt by some of the choices you’ve made, and I can understand why.” They’ll almost certainly get defensive, but you don’t owe them a debate. You don’t need to get into a long drawn-out explanation or analysis of why you feel this way. In fact, that could make things worse. Keep it simple: Let them say their piece, then tell them your take on the matter.

Before this conversation happens, it might help to make a note of what exactly you want to get off your chest and what boundaries you want to set during the conversation. Know your limits, and when the topic comes up, establish those boundaries to try to keep the discussion civil.

—Kristin Wong

From: My Mom Left Very Specific Wishes For My Inheritance. I Think I Have To Go Against Them. (Aug. 28th, 2024).

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Dear Pay Dirt,

Is there etiquette (or ethics) around what survivors do with memorial money donated at a funeral? I always thought a memorial donation was meant to be given to a charity of the family’s choice in honor of the deceased. A close friend of mine just lost his elderly father, and because the family hadn’t listed any preferred charities in the obituary, I put a hefty cash donation with the card at the funeral, assuming it would go to a charity of their choice.

Later, my friend mentioned that he and his siblings were going to put any memorial cash toward funeral expenses. I know that funerals are expensive, but my friend is doing well financially, and his brother married into generational wealth of an amount that is mind-boggling. It seems petty and cheap, and perhaps dishonest, of them to put memorials toward expenses. If I had known this, I would have donated directly to a charity, but it’s too late for that now. If they were struggling financially, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it seems inappropriate at best, and downright sleazy at worst. Or maybe everyone does this and I have been deluded about the purpose of memorial donations. I’m also not sure whether to bring it up with my friend or let it go. Your thoughts?

—Memorial Muddle

Dear Memorial Muddle,

I’ve opened a lot of memorial and condolence cards in my decades. None had a wad of cash enclosed. Once in a while, someone passed along a check to help the family cover expenses. Still, I’m baffled as to why you think there’s something wrong with the family using it to defray costs rather than donate it to a charitable organization.

Funerals can be extremely expensive. Cremation, burial plots, mausoleums, monuments, and headstones each cost several thousand dollars. Then there’s food, clergy, and actually opening the grave. When all’s said and done, you could easily spend $15,000 to $40,000, or more. Most people don’t have that amount sitting around in cash. And, it can take months, if not years, for the heirs to settle an estate and access their inheritance, if there even is any to be had.

Historically, funerals were a time for a community to come together and mourn their collective loss. As for using your donation to help defray costs, I wonder if your friend’s wealth is perhaps not as great as you think, or that he and his bride haven’t come into the big bucks yet. Or, maybe the wealthy in-laws have made other plans for their cash. Beyond counting other people’s money, which strikes me as particularly unseemly during times of sadness or stress, perhaps the family already made a significant donation to a worthy cause in memory of the deceased.

If this really gnaws at you, next time choose a worthy charity and make your own contribution in the deceased’s name.

—Ilyce Glink

From: I Gave My Friend Money At His Father’s Funeral. I Can’t Believe What He Spent It On. (Sept. 3rd, 2024).

Dear Pay Dirt,

My father-in-law is a very old-fashioned man. He lost his only son when he was in high school. It is a family tradition to name sons after their fathers.

So he is “John VI.” He offered to pay for college for any grandson named after him. My wife and I are gay and expecting our first son via surrogate. My sisters-in-law all have boys. None of them have taken their father up on the offer. I think my wife and I should take him up on the offer. She is worried about causing bad blood with her sisters. Thoughts?

—Name

Dear Name, 

My New Sister-in-Law Ruined a Family. It’s Time She Grows Up and Takes Some Responsibility.

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My 6-Year-Old Made a Vile Comment to His Teacher. You Won’t Guess How Bad It Is.

Giving your son his grandfather’s name seems pretty straightforward and sweet. But there must be a reason your wife is worried about it causing bad blood. Does she think it might bring up some issues of favoritism among your sisters? Whatever the reason, I wonder if your wife is willing to have a conversation with her sisters about this before you proceed. She doesn’t need to ask them for permission to name your child, but she can let them know that the two of you are considering it. What do they think about it (and why didn’t they choose to cash in themselves)? Giving them the chance to weigh in on the matter might help soften any hard feelings.

There’s another potential issue to consider, though. Do you expect your father-in-law to hold up his end of the bargain? If you’re only taking his name for the free tuition—and not the significance of it—consider the possibility that your father-in-law could always change his mind. He might not have the funds for it after all; he might ultimately think it’s unfair to the other grandkids. How would you and your wife feel if that were to happen? It’s something to think about. College is wildly expensive these days, so the free tuition is a big bonus. But I would also make sure you’re attached to the name and the meaning that comes with it.

—K.W.

From: My Father-In-Law Has Offered The Entire Family A “Bribe.” We Might Be The First To Take It. (Aug. 21st, 2024).

More Money Advice From Slate

I mistakenly took in my 16-year-old niece “Bethany” and 14-year-old niece “Lily” two years ago. My sister and her husband were moving overseas and their two oldest didn’t want to leave their school or friends. Bethany’s response to anything she doesn’t like is, “You’re not the boss of me.” She’d rather socialize than study and it is a minor miracle she will be graduating in May. Lily has a bad habit of goading her sister and I have to keep them separated.

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