Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m the dad of two teenage girls, “Allie” is 14 and “Dana” is 16. My wife, their mother, died eight months ago after a brief and horrible illness. The girls are doing well, considering. Both were able to keep up with their school work and seem to be a good place, even though they of course miss their mom. I do, too, obviously. However, without intending to, I have fallen in love.
I have a job that requires me to travel to another city one week per month. During my wife’s illness and for two months after, I was able to not travel and stay at home with the girls. But then I had to start again. (My mother-in-law is able to stay in our home with the girls when I travel.) About two months ago, during one of the trips, I met a woman, “Miriam,” in a bar in the city that I travel to and we had a real connection. I was not trying to meet someone, but it just happened. We fell for each other hard and fast.
For now, seeing each other one week a month is what we have to do, but we are planning our future together. I can transfer to her city full-time, but I won’t do that until the girls are both in college. I haven’t told the girls about Miriam yet because I know that it’s really soon. I don’t want them to think I didn’t love their mother, or that I moved on too fast. I was thinking of waiting until after the one-year anniversary of their mother’s death and telling them then that I’d met someone and would like her to come visit. Is this a good plan? I could also probably not tell them at all until they graduate and move, but I don’t want Miriam to think she’s a secret. And I’d like her to meet my kids.
—Dad-in-Love
Dear Dad-in-Love,
You have to admit that you did move too fast here and that there’s no way your daughters are ever going to think you didn’t. Now you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Option A, tell them now and they’re disgusted with you for a while and maybe understand when they’re 30. Or Option B, tell them later and they’ll figure out the timeline pretty quickly and be disgusted with you until they’re 30.
I Found Out Who Really Wanted the Job I Just Got. Well, This Is Awkward.
Go with option A. Right now it will feel like you betrayed their mother. If you wait even longer, they’ll feel betrayed too. In fact, they still might feel betrayed since you didn’t tell them immediately after it happened. Explain to them that you’re telling them now because you realized it was getting serious and didn’t say something too early (though, one could say writing into an advice column was kicking the can down the road a bit).
Start by telling them that you loved their mother and that you understand they’re going to be upset with you for how quickly this is all happening. Ideally, they’ll understand that this was a happy accident and your having met Miriam in this tight timeline wasn’t a purposeful act of disregard for the memory of your recently deceased wife. But, come on. That’s a pipe dream.
Hold off on trying to put Miriam in front of them. You may have moved quickly, but that doesn’t mean they need to. Let them meet Miriam on their terms, not yours. Explain to them that you’re telling them about Miriam because this is something going on in your life that is making you happy and you don’t want to keep a secret. You know that not telling them would be even worse. After that, your job is to listen.
—Greg
More Parenting Advice From Slate
I live upstairs in an apartment with neighbors all around. My 3-year-old throws these crazy, VERY LOUD tantrums at night. Like banging on the door as loud as the cops would, screaming, just being all-around ridiculous. Sometimes it’s until 3 in the morning! Nothing gets her to stop. She makes every excuse on why she needs to come out, from saying she is starving, to saying she is hurt, hitting her sister trying to get me to open the door. I have tried a lot of stuff—making sure she is full before bed, prewarning her about bedtime coming. We have a routine every night: Brush teeth, get jammies on, they each pick a book that we read. But every time it ends up in hours of her freaking out. How do I get her to quit? I am worried that the neighbors might call CPS, and I don’t know what to do.
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