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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a mother in my early 40s, in my first relationship after a 10-year heterosexual marriage. I’ve been dating a woman almost 20 years younger for a little under a year. That part isn’t an issue—we’ve navigated the age and life experience gap pretty well and see a future together.

However, she’s been out and proud since she was in middle school, and since I was married to a man and had kids, I got stuffed back in the closet by society. I never stopped being attracted to women, never stopped having discreet encounters (with my ex’s knowledge and understanding—the divorce was for other, understandable reasons), and never stopped going to Pride or being in sapphic-only spaces.

Now, whenever I casually mention “my girlfriend” to acquaintances or parents at my kids’ school, it’s almost like I have to come out every time as they make a shocked look or I get an “Oh, I didn’t know.” For what it’s worth, my ex and kids get similar comments and have taken it in stride. I just get it more. My girlfriend laughs it off and says she likes MILFs too much to think about it, which makes me laugh in the moment, but some script when I get those reactions would be helpful.

—My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend

Dear My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend,

You don’t really explain how others’ surprised reactions have been affecting you. Unless you are offended to the point of devastation, I think laughing this off is the way to go. I understand that it’s annoying, maybe even unpleasant, to be confronted with others’ assessments so nakedly. If you are particularly sensitive to this, it may seem that they’re deeming you unfit to be queer based on their own perceptions.

However, those people are ignorant. They just are, and it is that ignorance that colors these interactions so vividly. It is that ignorance that prompted you to write to an advice column. You can, of course, hold it against them, but you can also opt for grace. They don’t know better. They haven’t been exposed to the breadth of women who love women. They rely on stereotypes to the extent that they aren’t even uncomfortable exposing said reliance in casual conversation. It’s all very transparent.

While I want to respect the range of emotional reactions that may result from these exchanges, I think it’s best to opt for the route with the least drama. It keeps the path open for pleasant interactions with these people in the future and will not result in their snapping back to you, to which you might snap back at them, and then a small tiff breaks out in which you may or may not slap them with your gloves, and then you leave that interaction feeling way worse than if you had just nodded your way through. You don’t want to have to avoid these parents at the drop-off line for years to come.

Jessica Stoya
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If someone tells you they “didn’t know,” you can just reply, “Well, now you know.” And it’s true. For something a bit less neutral that can impart your annoyance at these kinds of reactions, you can flatly say something like, “Yeah, I get that a lot,” or, “You’re far from the first person who said that.” Maybe that’ll make them think about what they said after, and you will have created a quietly teachable moment. But I wouldn’t dress them down, get combative, or do anything that leads to a verbal altercation. Ignorant people aren’t worth the energy.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a guy in my mid-20s, and I recently broke up with my girlfriend of four years. It’s definitely been difficult, but all things considered, it’s been very amicable between us, and we haven’t gone strict no-contact. For emotional reasons, I don’t plan on being intimate with anyone soon.

We’d been medium-distance for about eight months: I would go to her place and she to mine every few weekends. Naturally, she had the essentials at my apartment (preferred body wash, toothpaste, etc.), as well as some lingerie she liked to wear and a couple of vibrators and other toys we used together.

Is there a protocol for returning and/or disposing of these items? Calling her up and asking to bring her lingerie back feels incredibly awkward for multiple reasons, but I’m not a person who enjoys just throwing things away if they aren’t broken. I’m guessing that donation spots won’t take them either. What can I do with lingerie and vibrators I won’t be using?

—The Vibes Are Off

Dear the Vibes Are Off,

You have to sort out why a conversation about your ex’s personal property is so awkward. You haven’t gone full no-contact, and an interaction about giving her back her belongings is about as practical a conversation as possible. You don’t have to call her up; text or send an email. You also don’t have to see her if she wants the items back; you can mail them to her. Communication here may be difficult, but it’s better than simply throwing out someone’s things, which is just wrong.

If you hear back and she doesn’t want the items, you can refer to this previous column for some tips on how to recycle sex toys. Not every organization that recycles e-waste will accept sex toys, but some do. For lingerie, it really depends. Some organizations accept bra donations, like The Bra Recyclers and Bras for a Cause. You can also look up textile recycling in your area. There are also mail-in programs like Retold Recycling and Subset, which will take your unwanted unmentionables for a small fee. Both specifically mention accepting underwear on their websites.

Share Your Story With How to Do It!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

I came across an old podcast of yours on “COVID dick” and was kind of shocked. I thought I had made this up myself! I’m a sufferer of long COVID, and one of the bizarre symptoms I had was a slight shrinkage (almost 20 millimeters, or a little under an inch). I heard you mention RestoreX, and I will look into purchasing that, but you also talked about vacuum pumps. Do you have any recommendations on those? I’ve seen ads for Bathmate—would you recommend that instead, or are standard vacuum pumps good enough?

—I Want My COVID-19(mm) Back

Dear I Want My COVID-19(mm) Back,

For help with this one, I went back to Dr. Charles Welliver, director of men’s health at Albany Medical College, with whom Jessica and I spoke for that podcast episode (he often lends his expertise to this column).

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RestoreX is a traction device that is sometimes used for this very issue: restoring length that was lost due to a medical condition. In an email, Welliver wrote: “RestoreX was developed by a urologist friend of mine who is an absolute genius. He has done legit scientific research on it, mostly for Peyronie’s disease but also for penile stretching. It has by far the best scientifically rigorous data in this area. Length gain is on average 1.5 cm.” Note that the cost is $525 for the standard RestoreX. However, the website notes that with a prescription, it is FSA/HSA eligible.

There are pumps that are also available through prescription, which may be the way to go if your insurance will cover them. If you are looking for over-the-counter devices, I’d go with something more medical in its presentation, like the Soma Therapy or the Encore Impo Aid. If your urologist is prescribing, they undoubtedly have brands/models that they prefer. “Vacuum device (dynamic stretching) and RestoreX (static) have both been used for penile rehab/stretching/jelqing or whatever we are calling it these days,” wrote Welliver. “VED [vacuum erection device] has been around for many, many years and is a reasonable option. The scientific data is pretty good for penile rehab as an oxygenation therapy after prostate cancer surgery. The data for straight-up stretching is minimal.” He added that he had to look up Bathmate, and it seems to be “a fairly standard VED.” However, added Welliver, “I couldn’t say it’s any better than any other VED.”

—Rich

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