Sex advice: I keep having to turn down the men who are eager to sleep with me. It hurts us both.

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m an older, single gay man who happily still gets propositioned for casual sex. What’s not apparent from the outside is that I was treated for prostate cancer two years ago and no longer get hard. I still have mind-blowing dry orgasms while soft and concentrate on getting the other guy off. Any advice on how to share this before or at the first meetup? Turning them down is very depressing, and some feel rejected.

—It’s Not You, It’s My Dick

Dear It’s Not You, It’s My Dick,

If you’re concentrating on getting the other guy off, I’m assuming that you’re bottoming, giving him head, or jerking him off. You can convey that your penis will not be the feature presentation with a label: “bottom” or “cocksucker” will do. I don’t know in what contexts you’re being propositioned, but if it’s via apps, you can put these kinds of labels and interests in your profile. There’s no need to go into your medical history or anatomical functioning at that stage, but you certainly can if you want to get the full disclosure out of the way. If this is happening in person, there is more than likely a “What are you into?” conversation that is coming between the initial contact and sex, so you can discuss it then. Again, the whys aren’t nearly as important as the hows here. A lot of people don’t actually have the answer to why they like to top or bottom, they just know that they do.

If you come across someone who makes it clear that whatever they’re interested in, it will involve your dick being hard, just tell them you’re not into that. If they feel rejected, they’re making it about themselves, which is only human, but also not really your problem. I think once it’s established that you are going to be servicing the other guy, in whatever capacity, you can mention right before sex that due to a procedure (might be better to keep this vague as conversations about cancer don’t immediately spring to mind when we think about setting the mood, but do you), your dick will not be getting hard, but that you will likely have dry orgasms. This may disappoint some, but it won’t disappoint all.

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Dear How to Do It,

I am a 38-year-old woman (mostly) happily married to my husband (41) of seven years. We have two small children (3 and 6) and full-time jobs. We are going through a rough patch financially due to some poor planning on our part. Even before this, I’ve dealt with depression off and on most of my adult life. (I am medicated for this, and it helps tremendously.) Between having two kids and being on antidepressants, I’ve gained 50 pounds, which really causes me to loathe myself. I love being a mother, and I care about my husband deeply.

However, I want absolutely nothing to do with him romantically. We have not had sex in, gosh, a year? He proposes it all of the time; however, I cannot remove myself from my ever-present stress, and have no desire whatsoever to be intimate. Even a hug from him repulses me some days. There’s nothing wrong with him, I just have no desire (or energy?) to have sex. His feelings are incredibly hurt—and he does not understand why, for me, it’s not easy to just drop everything and get in the moment. We live in a tiny two-bedroom, which also makes me feel less inclined. I feel like the worst wife ever. It wasn’t always this way. Where do I go now?

—I Love You But Don’t Touch Me

Dear I Love You But Don’t Touch Me,

You have a lot going on: two young kids, work, money problems. And though you don’t come right out and say it, it seems you’re pinpointing your exhaustion here as the root cause of your lack of desire. So there’s good news and bad news.

The good news is that stress is pretty commonly known to be able to lower your sex drive, so you’re not an anomaly there (nor the worst wife ever). Your sign-off reminds me of a Slate article about moms who report being “touched out” and are in sensory overload/exhaustion caused by too much physical touch. Maybe some of these feelings sound familiar to you? 

The not-so-great news is that trying to do anything about this will require work, which is a tricky thing when you’re already overwhelmed by your circumstances. What sticks out to me is your lack of interest in being interested in sex. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is “a persistent or recurrent absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity, causing marked personal distress or interpersonal difficulties,” according to the authors of this 2021 paper. The way this often presents is a feeling of wanting to want sex. That doesn’t seem to be the case for you. It seems that you are looking more to manage the low-to-no desire you have accepted as your reality, instead of altering your situation.

If you do want to take the latter path, you have a host of aids: counseling (solo, with your husband, or both), medications like Addyi and Vylessi (estrogen and bupropion are sometimes prescribed to boost desire), reigniting the spark via Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity principles, and navigating differing libidos by absorbing Emily Nagoski’s writing in Come As You Are regarding spontaneous sexual desire versus the responsive type to name a few. All of this is available to you if you want to pursue it.

But if you are resolute that sex is no longer for you and completely off the table, you should tell your husband that. Perhaps you have found yourself on the asexuality spectrum. You may want to read Cody Daigle-Orians’ I Am Ace and/or Angela Chen’s Ace. Having such a label could make your attitude toward sex easier to explain to your husband, although this is far from guaranteed, given how poorly understood asexuality is by those who aren’t ace.

Regardless of whether you do or don’t identify as ace, there is still the matter of your husband’s desire. How should he handle this? Do you expect him to go without sex for the rest of your life (or at least the rest of your relationship)? Do you want to consider an open relationship that would allow him to have sex with others, perhaps with rules in place that could help you feel more secure while navigating such an arrangement? Would ending your relationship entirely be the most humane thing to do?

To answer your last question directly, there are a lot of places where you can go with this, but you need to have a clear idea of where you are and where you want to take things first.

Share Your Story With How to Do It!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband has a hangup that I think is dumb. Whenever I’ve given him a blow job, he won’t kiss me until I’ve brushed my teeth. He’s creating a problem that doesn’t exist, right?

—Radioactive Mouth Until Cleaned

Dear Radioactive Mouth Until Cleaned,

My Son Wants Our Granddaughter to Come Live With Us. I Would Love That. But Uh, Her Mom Might Not.

My Aunts Are Already Getting Half of My Mom’s Estate. What They’re Asking for Now Is Just Too Much.

He’s being a bit prissy. If I can project here, he’s likely avoiding kissing you to protect his masculinity: This way, not even the echo of dick is anywhere near his mouth. This could be an opportunity for him to do some tinkering underneath the hood to figure out what’s really going on with his relationship to his masculinity (as well as whether he has any sideways contempt for you or thinks the act of sucking dick is dirty/distasteful even if he has no problem being on the receiving end), but good luck extracting that from a straight guy who’d probably rather not think about any of this.

I don’t know how successful you’ll be in altering his perspective. Ick is often irrational, but it can be too strong a force for “Just get over it.” I understand why this is annoying, but it’s your partner’s preference. If he’s creating a “problem” that doesn’t exist, the solution is easy enough: Brush your teeth before you kiss him. If you don’t feel like brushing your teeth, that’s fair—right after sex, you may want to stay horizontal. But if you have the energy to do him a solid, it’s a minor concession.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

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