Marriage advice: My husband is ignoring his doctor’s warnings. It could mean life or death.

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Dear Prudence,

I need tips on how to get rid of my anger toward my husband about a healthcare choice he has made. My husband is 70 and was recently diagnosed with intermediate-stage prostate cancer. All tests have shown that it has not spread.

He wants to have surgery to remove the prostate, but wants to wait a year to do so. Understandably, he is very concerned about the side effects from surgery (incontinence and erectile dysfunction). The doctors say that waiting a year is a reasonable choice, but warn that the cancer could spread, and then surgery would no longer be an option.

The irony is that if he has the surgery now, the chance of side effects is lower. I accept that it is his body and his choice. However, I am angry and anxious about the cancer spreading. I want to be a supportive spouse, but those emotions are getting hard to hide. He knows I have concerns about his decision.

—Struggling Wife

Dear Struggling Wife,

You’ve told your husband that you have concerns, but what about telling him you’re scared of losing him, and angry that he’s making a decision that could cut his life and your relationship short? I think it would feel good to be really honest. If the conversations make you cry, even better! It will be a release.

It’s not like you’re annoyed that he’s wasting an inheritance on a sports car, or concerned that he’s not mowing the lawn on the agreed-upon schedule. This is truly a life-or-death situation, and it’s OK to treat it as such. I’m sure he has his own fears (surgery, side effects, etc.). You should take them seriously. But being honest about how upset you are can go hand in hand with accepting that the decision about how to proceed is ultimately his. It’s better for both of you if he makes it with a full understanding of its implications for his health and for the person he loves.

If he insists on postponing his surgery, you could do a couple of things to cope. First, urge him to ask his doctor about anything he can do in terms of diet, exercise, or supplements to increase his chances of a good outcome. Second, embrace your fear of losing him and let it be a reminder that we are all going to die of something, someday. So if the cancer does spread during this year and his prognosis is bleak, what are the things you’d want to do with him or say to him? How much more would you appreciate every healthy moment? You can start now.

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Dear Prudence,

I’m stuck in what has got to be the world’s stupidest dispute with my wife. We’ve got an attic full of old stuff we don’t use or need anymore. I want to have a garage sale to earn a little extra money and donate anything that doesn’t get sold. My wife says garage sales are “tacky” and that we need to donate everything because selling unwanted items when there are people in need is “selfish.” At this point, I’m fed up with her! Plenty of our neighbors have held garage sales, and they didn’t end up as pariahs. Please tell me she’s full of shit.

—Garage Sale Grumbling

Dear Garage Sale Grumbling,

Did this letter somehow take an especially long time to make it to my inbox after being sent in 1998? The garage sale tackiness should be a non-issue: Post the stuff on Facebook Marketplace, NextDoor, or OfferUp.

I can’t weigh in on whether your household needs the money from an old chest of drawers, but I can say that whatever you think it’s worth is probably a lot less than you’ll get for it. It’s also worth considering that donating isn’t always as easy as it sounds. Different organizations place limits on the items they’ll accept, and it’s rare to find one that will handle the pickup. So a reasonable compromise would involve seeing what stuff in the attic would be appropriate to drop off at a nonprofit that collects items for people who really need them. Clean up those items and let your wife enjoy the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with giving them away. Next, post pictures of the things you’d like to sell, dropping the prices if there isn’t immediate interest, and make clear that the buyers will have to haul the things themselves. Whatever is left over can be posted on your local Buy Nothing Group, where there is always someone willing to come collect a stray coaster or dusty lamp for free.

Easier said than done, but maybe also try to be a little nicer to each other? You won’t get much enjoyment out of a nice clean attic or some extra cash if you’re busy accusing each other of being tacky and full of shit.

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Dear Prudence,

How can I get my husband to understand that his ex-wife and adult son just use him? They have no respect for him, yet they call on him to help them if they are having a problem. I am angry and at a loss.

—Husband Can’t Say No

Dear Husband Can’t Say No,

I Used to Love Doing a Controversial Thing In Bed With My Ex. I’m Scared It’ll Make My New Boyfriend Run Away.

I Caught My Kids Up to a Corrupt Scheme at a Restaurant. Apparently They’re Doing It “for Grandma.”

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My Wife and Her Sisters Never Listen to Our Daughter. They Missed a Major Announcement, and All Hell’s Broken Loose.

He might already understand that they’re using him. Maybe he likes feeling useful. Maybe he’s relenting because of something he did in the past, or he feels he owes them. Maybe he’s afraid that if he doesn’t meet their demands, he’ll lose his relationship with his kid. I’m not saying any of those are great reasons to beat their beck and call, but they could be explanations.

Would it help you to have a better understanding of what’s going on in his mind, and what he’s feeling when he runs to their home to unclog a toilet at midnight, or when he co-signs for their new car? If so, ask him, with as little “this is ridiculous” energy as possible. If not, remind yourself that his relationship with this duo is his business and think instead about what you’d like to ask of him from your perspective: not spending all your money on the two of them, keeping plans with you even if they’re having an emergency, and agreeing not to share the frustrating and incomprehensible (to you) details of his relationship with them.

Classic Prudie

Ten years ago, my sister died and left her four children orphans. I had a preteen stepdaughter and a toddler in a small three-bedroom house. My husband and I did the best we could. But the choice was either separate the kids or look into foster care. We couldn’t do that. My stepdaughter ended up giving up her room to my nieces and moved back full-time with her mother. My husband came to every dance recital and every game even when I couldn’t. Recently, my stepdaughter and her girlfriend came over. We thought they were going to announce their engagement. Instead, my husband and I were subjected to a pretty polished essay about how awful we were to my stepdaughter growing up…

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