Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister-in-law gave birth to her first child a few months ago, and I’m deeply concerned about my niece. The father, my new brother-in-law, is anti-vax and generally defiant when it comes to health and safety precautions. My sister-in-law wasn’t like that before, but she now defers to him on absolutely everything and has absorbed all of his ill-informed opinions. Neither of them had any prior experience with children, and I’m the only family member they have who does.

There are too many concerns to get into here, but after a recent visit, one that stood out is the level of noise they’re exposing the baby to. They have a fancy surround sound system, and watch TV for hours at an astonishingly high volume that makes my adult ears hurt—with their baby only a few feet away from the speakers. I’m positive this will damage her hearing, and they don’t seem to get that this is probably one of the reasons she’s fussy and not sleeping well. I tried to hint that it was too loud by turning the volume down, but they just turned it right back up. I talked to my husband about my concerns since they might be more receptive to him bringing it up with them, but he’s hesitant to say anything since it’s “not our problem.” I have a really hard time not making it our problem because the risk of irreversible hearing loss is so high. How can we handle this delicately? I’m worried that bringing it up even gently could cause them to react and push us away.

—Worried Auntie

Dear Worried Auntie,

I tend to agree that your husband might find it slightly easier to have this conversation with his sister than you would as an in-law, but either way, you’re probably in for some defensiveness. I also think you should prepare yourself for the likely possibility that your relatives will choose to ignore your points, even if they don’t blow up at you. But if you really believe it’s worth the effort to try for the sake of your niece’s wellbeing, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with pointing out simple facts.

The next time your in-laws complain about how poorly their daughter is sleeping or how fussy she seems, you or your husband could express sympathy, and then perhaps gently point out that loud noise can startle babies and interrupt their sleeping patterns. Try to focus on your in-laws’ own observations and concerns about their daughter’s fussiness, not the fact you think they’re doing something wrong: “I’m sorry she’s still not settling or sleeping well! I remember hearing that newborns’ ears are especially sensitive because they’re still developing. Do you think the TV volume could have something to do with her fussiness?”

To be honest, I doubt that your family members will suddenly change their minds just because you or your spouse have made perfectly logical points; these are anti-vaxxers we’re talking about. But you don’t have to just shut up or walk on eggshells around them, either. And if they’re truly sleep-deprived, who knows—they might be desperate enough to try anything just to get some rest themselves.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife ,“Alyssa,” and I got married last month, and we are facing our first family crisis. We made it expressly clear that no children under the age of 10 would be allowed to attend the wedding. However, Alyssa made an exception for her sister’s 7-year-old daughter, “Paisley.” When my sister “Dayna” found out, she was furious because she had had to pay for a sitter to watch her 7-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son while she and her husband came to our wedding. She demanded to know why we allowed Paisley to attend. Alyssa explained that Paisley had been a flower girl at two weddings and she trusted her to behave, but she didn’t know Dayna’s kids well and didn’t feel comfortable taking a chance. Dayna pitched a fit and had to be removed from the reception. Now my sister is demanding an apology and wants to be reimbursed for the three days’ worth of childcare she and her husband had to pay for. Alyssa says it was our wedding and we had a right to decide who got to attend. She says my sister gets nothing, and if she doesn’t like it she can blow it out her ass. My mom is starting to take Dayna’s side. Would it be worth just giving my sister the money in secret before this turns into an all-out war?

—Wife vs. Sister

Dear Wife vs. Sister,

I understand why some people love a child-free wedding, and genuinely support everyone’s right to try to have whatever kind of celebration they want when they get married—so long as they don’t hold it against any parents who might then be unable to attend.

I must point out, however, that you and Alyssa didn’t actually make it “expressly clear that no children under 10” were invited to your wedding! You said that would be the case, and then she invited her own niece anyway. While I definitely don’t think your sister should have made a scene at your reception, I get what she was reacting to, if not the way she reacted.

My Sister Asked to Store a “Few Boxes” in Our Garage. I Said Yes Under One Condition—And I Actually Followed Through on My Threat.

My Fiancé Wants Us to Go to His Hostile Family’s Big Reunion. He’s Setting Us Up for Disaster.

I Asked My Boss When I’d Meet My New Colleague. Her Answer Weirded Me Out.

If you want to try to smooth things over with Dayna and your mother, you could first try throwing them a bone, something like: “I’m sorry for hurting you; that was never my intention, but I understand why you felt that way.” This would acknowledge Dayna’s feelings without denying your right to have a child-free-except-one wedding. It’s also fair to be honest with Dayna about how her reaction at the reception made you feel, if you want to have that conversation.

As for the money: I can see why it might feel more satisfying to stick to your guns and refuse, I don’t think you’re obligated to help cover childcare costs. But if the most important thing to you is avoiding a rift in your family, and you think the money will help achieve that and can afford it without hardship, I don’t see a huge problem with electing to chip in. I don’t think it’s wise to try to hide it from Alyssa if you do—she might find out anyway, after all, and you don’t need to start your marriage with a lie of omission. Try to focus on the fact that you were able to have the wedding guestlist you wanted, and do what you think is right (or what you think you can most easily live with, anyway) by your family.

—Nicole

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