While there is plenty of opportunity to snipe at one another, Britani’s multiple missteps make her an easy target for everyone at the party.
Photo: Bravo

It’s a big day for Heather Gay, who is making the brave move of introducing her new boyfriend, Tripp, to the group. She knows just how vulnerable that act is, not just because her friends are notoriously harsh, but because they’re Real Housewives. And having not just been in the game for seven years, but also having long been a fan of the franchise, Heather knows better than anyone that a hallmark of these shows is attacking your castmate’s significant other. Lucky for her, the introduction goes off without a hitch, because the women all have much bigger fish to fry at her Jupiter Year party. The event seems to be somehow related to astrology and their zodiac signs, but to be honest, I zoned out during the explanation because she had hired men in togas to man the doors. That was either a gift for us or a chance for Angie to mention Greece again.

But those aren’t the only men hired to be there: Bronwyn is bringing Brandon! That, at least, is the accusation still getting thrown around, and one that she’ll finally get the chance to address later in the episode. In any case, I’m glad he’s there, because it means he gets to queen out with his two favorite people: Lisa and Meredith. When he and Bronwyn are driving to the event and “Hypocrisy and Bullshit” comes up (a.k.a. the song of the summer), he admits that he was “vibing” to it, and her face drops like a mother whose rogue child said something damning in front of company.

The moment is a great example of Bronwyn’s compulsion for control when it comes to crafting the narrative that appears on television. The second Brandon strayed from that narrative, she panics and tries to manually get him back on course, telling him outright that he can’t be saying that. But the flashback shows that not only was Brandon vibing at the start of the song, but by the end of it he was actively cheering for Lisa and Meredith’s bop. So clearly he wouldn’t miss another night with his two favorite pop stars for the world. He might have even paid for his own hotel this time just to see them!

The event is sort of a costume party, with the women’s outfits all inspired by their zodiac signs — apart from Mary, who says, “I’m a Libra, what am I gonna wear, a scale?” Cut to fellow Libra Whitney entering the party, scale in hand. And true to her costume, she’s all about balance — so when Heather tells her that Lisa has been speculating about the vague “hard time” she’s been going through, Whitney throws it right back at her. She tells Heather that John Barlow has told Justin that their finances are terrible and he can’t stand Lisa. Do I believe that? Well, let’s just say I don’t believe that John Barlow told Justin that, even if the statements themselves are true.

Lucky for Whitney, the one who really is in the hot seat at this party is Britani, who takes her high-body-count hair to new heights. For some reason, her bird’s nest updo is filled with candy, which Angie picks out of her hair and eats like a little monkey eating bugs off another monkey. Naturally, the other women are horrified that she’s eating out of Britani’s hair, but let’s be honest, that’s not Britani’s hair. It’s synthetic enough that Angie might as well be eating off a plastic plate.

This is the first time that Britani is in the same room with Meredith’s husband, Seth, whom she accused of cheating at the reunion, and rather than having the self-awareness to dodge him, she greets him with a hug. That awkward moment immediately leads to Seth’s exit from the event, which is technically because he has another obligation, but given the timing, Meredith is annoyed that it now looks like he’s running away. That’s why she keeps bringing up that other engagement every chance she gets as the reason for his departure, and not because Britani is being a “complete weirdo creep,” as she calls her to her face.

But things look up for Mer when she and Lisa sit down with the party’s mystic for a reading, during which they’re told to repeat the phrase “I am valid in all of my feelings.” I can’t think of two people who need that reassurance less. If there’s one thing Meredith and Lisa know and believe to their core, it’s that all of their feelings are valid. “I love this,” Lisa says, as this third party confirms she’s infallible. I don’t actually know what a mystic is, but I love their pizza, so I’m onboard.

Across the party, Angie is earning her paycheck by getting in Bronwyn’s ear, telling her all about Britani investigating what’s going on with her real estate, but when she starts to tell her what Lisa’s been saying, Bronwyn cuts her off, saying that she’d rather not hear it. “Well, then I won’t tell you that she said you work with people who have placed this relationship as a stunt,” Angie says, because she’s the funniest person to come out of Greece since Nia Vardalos. I will say, Bronwyn does make a great counterpoint to the PR claims, noting that her relationship with Brandon hasn’t necessarily been good PR on any level. That’s true, but it does give her a story line.

Speaking of Brandon, as this is playing out, he’s across the party having a ki with Lisa about her song. “Hypocrisy and bullshit,” she sings as a reprise. “Tell me that doesn’t have ring; don’t lie, it was so good. You have to call it when you see it, Brandon,” she tells him as he laughs along. I’m surprised we didn’t see him ask for a picture.

When Britani accidentally saunters into the conversation about her, Bronwyn confronts her about her digging, calling her a nincompoop with bad breath. Without missing a beat, Angie pulls a breath spray out of her bag and sprays it into Britani’s mouth mid-fight, like a coach dabbing a boxer’s sweat in the ring. It’s incredible prop comedy. And speaking of props, somewhere along the line, the flower situation gets brought up, and Angie wonders if she brings them to the elderly just to get into their wills. Instantly, Britani is sobbing over the fact that her special visits are being dragged through the mud like this.

Now aware that she’s being accused of leaving Mary’s luncheon with not one but three bouquets, she tries to address it by asking if she can steal Mary for a second to talk to her. Given the circumstances, steal probably wasn’t the best choice of words, and Mary attempts to rebuff her, saying, “You have a stealing problem; I don’t want you around me.” Not only is she referring to the flowers, but Mary brings us all the way back to their very first meeting, when Britani talked about how she used to put rolls in her purse to take home. It seems like Britani’s fate with Mary was sealed from that very moment. Mary was never going to befriend a woman with crumbs in her purse.

Now, I will say, when this flower situation first came up, I had some doubts. Not just because I’m biased toward Britani — as I am toward anybody who entertains me as much as she does — but because I trusted that production would have captured footage of her leaving with three bouquets in hand. But alas, we only see her leave with the gifted one. Also, I questioned how it would be physically possible to carry three vases. But just as I’m giving her this benefit of the doubt, Britani admits to it, saying that the flowers seemed unwanted. The cameras missing her crime makes me wonder if this mastermind waited until production wrapped to go back into the venue for the other two arrangements. They were well earned at that point, if you ask me.

The pair of them are arguing over each other, not hearing one another at all, and at one point Britani makes a grave misstep, as two of their sentences converge in a truly unfortunate way. “That’s not a thing,” Britani says at one point, just as Mary starts to talk about going through a lot right now. It reads and is taken as a dismissal of Mary’s grief.

Granted, Britani’s actual response to Mary bringing up her grief is, “And I understand that” — and when the producers ask her to clarify in her confessional, Britani is horrified and says that she’s sure she was responding to something else, but it’s too late. Mary took that statement in, and perhaps worst of all, brought it to professional grudge-keeper Meredith Marks, who will never let that go. Britani stepped into it in a major way, and her enemies have seized this opportunity to exile her once and for all.

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