Personal-finance columnist Charlotte Cowles asks the nosy, revealing, sometimes uncomfortable questions about money so you don’t have to.
Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photo: Getty Images
A third of adults under 35 are living at home with their parents, a growing trend that reflects the bleak housing market and rising cost of living. But contrary to popular sentiment, they aren’t all 20-somethings freeloading off Mom and Dad. More than 70 percent of young adults who live with their parents contribute to household costs, and in some cases, they’re actually the breadwinners. “There’s this perception that if you’re approaching 30 and living with your parents, you’re just doing it to save money,” says one woman I spoke to. (At 25, she still sleeps in her childhood bedroom and contributes at least $2,500 a month to her parents’ household costs — help they very much need.) “In my case, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I just have to smile and nod.”
Below, three adults who live with — and financially support — their parents share the frustrations, rewards, and surprising perks (free laundry!) of their roommate situation.
My family is from Mexico, and my parents moved to California right before I was born. When I was growing up, they worked multiple jobs to support my siblings and me and send money back home to their relatives. I was taught that you take care of your family, especially your elders.
I have always lived with my parents. When I was in school, it was great — I didn’t have to pay rent, though I did help with the bills, usually a few hundred dollars a month. I was expected to contribute to the household pretty early on, around age 16. I think I gave half of whatever I earned to my parents and kept half for my own spending money. I worked all kinds of jobs: fast-food restaurants, retail. Then I majored in accounting at a local college and got a job at a health-care company. I’ve worked there for about five years now. I make more money than anyone in my family ever has: about $80,000 a year.
After I got the job at my current company, I started taking care of more household bills. Now, I pay my parents’ mortgage and property taxes, about $2,000 a month. That coincided with my dad having some health problems and going on disability two years ago. My mom is still working but only part time.
Even though I pay a big portion of our bills, it was hard to get my parents to open up to me about their finances. They’re not secretive, exactly, but they’re very traditional. I don’t think they even talk to each other about money. I wasn’t super-surprised that they didn’t have a retirement plan, but I didn’t know how unprepared they were until my dad got sick. They don’t have much savings, and while their house is almost paid off, it’s not like they could sell it. They’d still need a place to live, and it would be hard to find something comparable that they can afford. Also, their community is here, their church is here, their doctors are here. So I’m basically paying all their housing costs, which are also my housing costs. I can’t afford to move out and still pay their mortgage, so it is what it is. Maybe when the house is paid off in about four years, I could move out, but I’ll probably still need to help them financially. Both of my younger siblings are in the military, so they’re not really in a position to help at this point.
As far as roommates go, my parents are pretty good. Sometimes, I wish I could just come home at the end of the day and have a glass of wine and decompress by myself, in my own space, like a normal adult. I watch all these TikToks where women in their 20s come home from work to their clean apartments and make dinner in their own kitchens, and it looks so glamorous — I come home and my parents are eating dinner on the couch. And it’s hard to date. If I go out with my friends, I’ll usually spend the night at one of their houses so I don’t come home late and get an earful of questions about where I was and what I was doing.
I try not to get too down about it. Right now, financially, this is what’s best for everyone. I’m proud to be helping my parents, but I don’t want to put my own kids in this position someday. I’m putting money in my own 401(k) already, and I try to save. I’m definitely not living a super-adventurous, fun life in my 20s, but that’s okay. I mean, I’m an accountant, you know? I would like to have a family of my own someday, and sometimes I worry that living with my parents is making it harder to find someone to do that with. But I should probably put myself out there more, too.
I moved back in with my mom two years ago after I got divorced and my dad died suddenly. At first, there were a lot of nights when we both hit the wine a little too hard together, feeling sorry for ourselves. I’m so lucky I had her to lean on. She was really supportive of me leaving my marriage and welcomed me home with open arms.
For some reason, my dad didn’t have life insurance. Or maybe he did and the payout was really small. For whatever reason, his death left my mom financially unstable. She was a stay-at-home mom for my siblings and me, so it’s not like she could just up and get a job. My dad owned his own business, which had been suffering since the pandemic. He had retirement savings, but it’s not enough for my mom to live on for the rest of her life. My dad clearly anticipated he’d be working for another decade at least. And my mom didn’t know a lot about their finances, period. Soon after I moved in, I realized she needed my help if she was going to stay in her house. My parents bought the home in 2021, when mortgage rates were really low.
I work in marketing, and my job is remote. I was used to living in a two-income household while I was married, and now I’m living in a one-income household with my mom. It’s not ideal, but I’m glad I can help her. I’m just not sure where the off-ramp is. Like, if I move out, what will she do? My brothers are both pretty distant, with their own families and their own lives, and I don’t think they know about our mom’s financial situation. She’s been too proud to tell them, and I don’t think she wants them to worry. Maybe at some point, she could sell the house, but there’s still a lot of years left on the mortgage and the rate is so low it’s hard to see how that would make sense.
Right now, I contribute about $3,000 a month toward my mom’s living expenses, including utilities and groceries. My mom definitely feels bad that I’m financially taking care of her. As a result, she does a lot of momlike stuff for me: She makes my bed, cleans the house, does most of the cooking and grocery shopping. It’s nice, and I’m grateful but sometimes it feels regressive, like I’m home from college or something. Occasionally, it feels intrusive. Sometimes, I’ll be on a Zoom call for work and she’ll come into my room to get my dirty laundry. Either way, I don’t think either of us wants to be in this position. Just a few years ago, I was a fully launched adult with a spouse and a nice apartment and a life of my own. Now I feel like we’re turning into some weird version of Grey Gardens. I don’t miss my ex-husband, but I do miss my independent life. I’m not dating at the moment, but if I ever do, I’m not sure how I’d even manage the question of my mom.
My fiancé and I would love to get married and move in together, but both of us currently live with our respective parents and help support their households. A big part of it is cultural. Our parents are immigrants, and they come from cultures where children are expected to take care of their parents as they age. But that system only works if the cost of living is low enough for their children to be able to do that and support themselves, too. Right now, where we live, it’s not.
I met my fiancé at work. I’m a nurse practitioner, and he’s a radiology technician. We’d love to save up for a big wedding and a house — you know, the American Dream. But right now, it’s hard to pay our student loans and help our parents with their bills.
I have a younger sibling who’s still in high school and also lives with my parents and me. I’m hoping that after she graduates, maybe my parents can sell their house and downsize and both my sister and I can move out. But that’s at least two years off, if not significantly longer. There’s also a chance my parents might need to live with one of us. My fiancé is in a different position; his parents will probably need some financial support here and there, but they’re in better shape than my family.
I’m trying to be patient. My fiancé is really into personal finance and always listens to podcasts and sends me stuff. He’s looking into side hustles and does DoorDash delivery to make extra money. He says we’re first-generation wealth builders. Which sounds nice, but sometimes I’m like, “Where’s the wealth? It’s all going to our families’ utility bills!” I’m grateful for all the opportunities my parents gave us, but it’s hard not to compare myself to other people my age who are having these big weddings and starting families already.
It’s also hard for my fiancé and me to spend time together. We see each other at work, obviously, but that’s not the same. Luckily, my parents really like him, so we do spend a lot of time at my house. But it’s hard to be romantic when your whole family’s on the other side of the wall, you know?
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