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\n The women\u2019s behavior is so shameful that they take turns storming off in embarrassment.
\n Photo: Bravo\n <\/p>\n
One of the great things about our mojito graspers is that they are actually friends. Miami is a small town, and they hang around each other even in the off-season. Other franchises seem like coworkers, but they\u2019re just letting the cameras into what feels like a real friend circle. At the final, disastrous dinner of this episode, Larsa tries to remind everyone of this truth. The fights in Miami were usually the kind of petty squabbles you\u2019d get in a group like this, but they\u2019ve taken on a darker context, they\u2019ve gotten deeper, and they go unresolved. The darkness and desperation that surrounds Real Housewives seem to be coming for Miami like a hurricane or some kind of manufactured health event that Ron DeSantis allowed because he hates vaccines.<\/p>\n
When Larsa brings this up at dinner, she says they need something. Lisa interjects that they need Jesus. No, Larsa corrects her, they need common sense. Lisa adds that they also need Jesus. She might not be wrong. Neither of them is wrong. They need common sense to know that they\u2019re losing the audience and Jesus to absolve them of these sins and get them back on the loving path.<\/p>\n
The episode begins with Lisa and Larsa at each other\u2019s throats, not letting go of their disagreement over Jody texting Larsa. Everyone agrees that Jody needs to keep his thumbs to himself and off of his phone screen because whatever is happening between Lisa and Larsa has nothing to do with him. Marysol arrives at the table and says they have an issue and that it\u2019s Jody texting Larsa all afternoon. Adriana, surprisingly, is the voice of reason, saying they have a bigger issue, which is Lisa\u2019s court order that needs to be signed immediately.<\/p>\n
Lisa storms away from dinner and sits in what seems like a production\u2019s green room, surrounded by old napkins, discarded cardboard salad bowls, and more ugly backpacks than you would find at a lesbian hiking convention. (I kid lesbians. They have excellent taste in backpacks.) Guerdy walks in and, like a consummate event planner, takes total control of the situation. She dries Lisa\u2019s tears, she gets her on task about taking care of her court documents, and shuts down Jody when he tries to pick this fight back up. (Marysol has an excellent point. If Lisa is dealing with all of this court bullshit, why is Jody texting Larsa and not helping his girlfriend?)<\/p>\n
It turns out that Lisa has done this online notary work before with a woman named Gysell, who, in my mind, is The Real Housewife of Potomac\u2019s Gizelle Bryant, and she\u2019s just at home in the DMV, making extra money to pay for the Hotel Gizelle renovations. (Why oh why does she not call her ill-fated manse Bryant Park?) This is what drives me crazy about Lisa: she is always helpless. She can\u2019t do anything. She can\u2019t be on time on her own, she can\u2019t sign her papers, she can\u2019t fight her fights, she can\u2019t do her hair and makeup, she can\u2019t write her own jokes. What, exactly, can Lisa do?<\/p>\n
When Lisa rejoins the table, she and Larsa start sniping at each other like a single body possessed by a demon. They\u2019re the right hand and the left hand trying to stab each other. They\u2019re two parts of the same whole that is bent on self-destruction. Guerdy says that they will do this all night, and that is the problem. Neither will cede any ground, neither will apologize, neither will say they\u2019re sorry. It\u2019s like trench warfare, but it\u2019s just one person trapped in a Porta-Potty flinging shit at itself, hoping that it will somehow get clean.<\/p>\n
What eventually ends the dinner and turns everyone against Lisa is when she starts taking notes about what is happening on her phone. They can\u2019t understand why Lisa can\u2019t take mental notes. I\u2019m sorry, but Lisa Hochstein can\u2019t find her own ass with two hands and a flashlight. You expect her to take mental notes? But they all seem to be worried that she\u2019s taking notes to sue them. What are any of them going to do that will lead to a lawsuit? It\u2019s not that serious. Ideologically, I understand what they mean. If they\u2019re a group of friends, why does anyone need to save evidence? But also, Housewives\u2019 contracts don\u2019t allow them to sue each other, so they\u2019re protected. Calm down, everyone.<\/p>\n
The next day, they split into two groups, with Larsa, Julia, Alexia, Marysol, and Stephanie going to appease the spirit of Mama Elsa by painting ceramic tiles.\u00a0Stephanie points out that if Larsa is uncomfortable with Lisa being on the plane with her, she will disinvite her. Ugh, I hate this. This is how Stephanie uses her money to try to control the situation and win herself friends and allies. The plane ride is 22 minutes. What is going to happen? Yes, Lisa might break \u201cjet-iquette\u201d by being late, but that is a separate issue.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Adriana takes Kiki, Lisa, and Guerdy on a tour of Alcazar, the oldest castle in Spain, and rattles off all sorts of facts, figures, legends, and lore about the place. Did Adriana\u2019s body get taken over by Siri? When did she get so wise? Do you think we can get an Adriana-powered AI chatbot that will give you art history lessons and then hurl insults at you? Adriana is the voice of reason yet again when she tells Lisa that it\u2019s time to unfollow Marcus, as Larsa wants her to. Yes, doing it capitulates to Larsa, but it also takes away Larsa\u2019s ammunition to turn the group against Lisa.<\/p>\n
It seems like they are turning, mostly because of Stephanie. She sends Julia and Marysol, the nominal hosts of this trip, to disinvite Lisa from the plane. That\u2019s not what it turns into. It becomes a meeting about how she can\u2019t have her phone because she\u2019s taking notes. Marysol says she has to put it in a basket on the plane, and when they arrive at Julia\u2019s friends\u2019 house in Marbella. Lisa argues that she has two young children and cannot be away from her phone. Okay, for 22 minutes in the air she can. At the house, that might be a tall order. But there is a gulf of possibilities between taking notes and taking her phone away like she\u2019s a high school sophomore that got caught with some BuzzBalls in her lesbian-approved backpack. Can\u2019t we just get her to promise she\u2019s not going to take notes anymore?<\/p>\n
Lisa storms off, says she\u2019s not going to dinner that night, that she feels like she\u2019s not wanted. Oh, boohoo. Of course, Marysol calls and convinces her to come, but why can\u2019t we let Lisa, Larsa, and whoever else drop off? If they\u2019re going to be that mad, give them their moment, let them go, not be filmed at the group event, and become irrelevant to the show. Why is everyone taking the bait every single time?<\/p>\n
Lisa arrives at dinner, late, of course. In her confessional, Larsa asks who can show up two hours late and pretend like nothing happens. The editors do us a favor and give Lisa a chyron saying she\u2019s only one hour late. Oh, is that supposed to be some exoneration? Let\u2019s throw a freaking parade for Lisa, who was only 60 minutes late because she was in her feelings about her friends not wanting her to take notes when they\u2019re around. Someone does need Jesus, and it\u2019s Lisa and all of her friends for putting up with her.<\/p>\n
The dinner takes a sharp left turn, and it all hinges on Lisa unfollowing Marcus on Instagram, but not in the way we think. Before Lisa arrives, Adriana, the new voice of reason, shares this news in an attempt to de-escalate things between her and Larsa. Kiki and Guerdy tell her they had a pact not to say anything about that. But why? If she was going to do it, doesn\u2019t Larsa need to know? Why unfollow him and not say anything? That\u2019s like settling a lawsuit and still showing up to court. I don\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n
When Kiki comes for Adriana, she finally loses it, showing the volatile villain that we always knew was lurking just below the surface. Adriana tells Kiki to stop being \u201cratchet,\u201d which is basically like calling one of the two Black women on the show \u201cghetto.\u201d Kiki, rightfully, loses her mind. Kiki, like a long-dormant volcano, is not someone we often see activated. She\u2019s usually just serving looks, making jokes, and trying to be kind to the women. But, girl, this is why you don\u2019t piss off Kiki. \u201cYou are too old to be talking about this,\u201d she says, somehow verbally bolding and italicizing the word \u201cold.\u201d<\/p>\n