\n “Why deprive Florida surfers our little slice of undeveloped heaven? Might\u00a0Elon Musk see it in his heart to appease the pilgrims?” <\/p>\n
No doubt you\u2019re familiar with Elon Musk\u2019s Starship-Super Heavy Launch Vehicle \u2013 aka \u201cBig Fucking Rocket\u201d \u2013 the 500-foot-tall stainless steel crown jewel of his SpaceX fleet which\u00a0regularly rains fiery debris over Boca Chica airspace<\/a>. <\/p>\n As we speak, Musk is trying to obtain FAA permits to launch his BFR out of Cape Canaveral, Florida. Apparently, this requires him to blockade beach access to Playalinda beach \u2013 one of the choicest surf spots on the Space Coast \u2013 60 days out of the year.<\/p>\n Florida surf community up in arms, mobilizing troops, etc.<\/a><\/p>\n Musk\u2019s attempted sand grab aside, the BFR arouses conflicting emotions on the Space Coast. It\u2019s not without pride that we claim mankind\u2019s only takeoff spot to the moon, and prouder still, tout ourselves as the birthplace of the surfing aerial. Launchpad of heroes, home to Chosen Ones, all that. <\/p>\n So the Artemis program, with its new-age moon landings and Mars shots, does hold a certain allure. It\u2019s just\u2026 where are we supposed to go on a northeast swell and a southwest wind?<\/p>\n Last Thursday I attended an FAA \u2018informational session\u2019 at the Cape Canaveral Radisson. Old salts in flip flops and visors mingled with pocket-protector types sporting non-ironic mustaches, Barbaras and Beatrices handing out retro \u201cKeep Playalinda Open\u201d\u00a0bumper stickers, duck hunters,\u00a0leather-bound fishermen, environmental enthusiasts, and a lone\u00a0New York Times\u00a0reporter who scurried about the floor taking notes and asking for clarification, <\/p>\n \u201cSo you say Playalinda is a\u00a0beach?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt was the same thing back in 1980, when the Shuttle Program came,\u201d one of the Barbaras informed the\u00a0Times\u00a0man. \u201cThey wanted to take away our beach access.\u00a0We fought it, and the road was moved<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n The Florida Faithful settled into their chairs, listened as a spokeswoman in a smart lilac dress and greige blazer took the podium to announce the 25-minute presentation. SpaceX, or the FAA, or whoever organized this get-together, had been clever enough to convene four separate meetings, and instead of public comment had positioned court reporters along the side walls where detractors could voice their concerns in private, so as not to stir up any rabble rousers.<\/p>\n Up on the big screen, an image of the fully-erect Starship bursting from clouds to stratosphere, spewing horizontal plumes of fire, looked suspiciously like a giant cross, lending the conference space the feel of an evangelical megachurch. Narrated by a droning AI voice, the \u201cpresentation\u201d was obviously a wholesale production of Grok 4, complete with muddled, mostly-incomprehensible flow charts. The surfers, dog-tired and noodle-armed from seven consecutive days of Hurricane Erin swell, were lulled to sleep within the first few slides.<\/p>\n I fought off my post-Erin torpor, inspired by the chipper\u00a0Times\u00a0man, and did my best to apprehend the meaning. <\/p>\n An environmental study had been conducted, and Musk\u2019s team had somehow procured a FONSI, or \u201cFinding of No Significant Impact.\u201d (Here, Grok somehow resisted the urge to display an image of Henry Winkler.) We were informed that 35 Raptor engines would possibly induce sonic booms and shatter windows in Titusville, and, depending on \u2018perception of noise\u2019 and the \u2018human hearing mechanism,\u2019 jolt approximately 82% of people from their beds in the middle of the night, 22 times a year. Otherwise, nothing much \u2013 flight disruptions, maritime vessel restrictions, plus the slightly humorous \u201cRapid Unscheduled Disassemblies\u201d (RUDs) which would \u2018expend\u2019 ten-thousand-ton canisters of supercooled liquid methane into the Atlantic.<\/p>\n By the time the issue of the Playalinda access road came up, the surfers had been in REM for nearly 15 minutes. A minor tragedy, given their usually reliable tendency to audibly groan, boo, and cat-call \u2018suck its\u2019 at these types of events. A few emphatic coughs were heard every time the AI voice mentioned the \u201cGulf of America.\u201d <\/p>\n Otherwise, silence.<\/p>\n When Grok wrapped, the spokesmodel awakened the surfers and directed them to the back of the room where FAA employees stood at the ready to field questions alongside 20 informational posterboards. While the Times man scampered to the environmental display to delve into the roasting of gopher tortoises and deep-frying of scrub jays, the surfers descended upon the transportation board, honing in on aforementioned access road. One of the old salts had done his homework, and asked the representative why they had to close Playalinda beach, which was over three miles from launchpad 39A, while the Boca Chica launch site had been approved for a safety radius of only 2 miles? <\/p>\n Answers, cryptic and elusive.<\/p>\n I logged my own public comment with the court stenographer. You can\u2019t schedule the surf, I said,\u00a0Sebastian Inlet hasn\u2019t worked since \u201903,<\/a>\u00a0and Playalinda provides the only south wind blockage within 200 miles. <\/p>\n Why deprive Florida surfers our little slice of undeveloped heaven? Might\u00a0Elon see it in his heart to appease the pilgrims, \u00e0 la NASA in the \u201980s? A little bridge to salvation? Was I casting pearls before swine?<\/p>\n What think you, BeachGrit loyalists? Rolled out to Playalinda recently? Is Musk supercool or expendable? Who wins the 21st century space race? America First? Have you dreamed of wave pools on Mars? Do we have enough stainless steel?<\/p>\n And what about those square fins up high on the Big Fucking Rocket \u2013 \u201966 Hansen 50\/50 glass-ons? <\/p>\n Could the engineers consider a little Nuuhiwa curve on that trailing edge?<\/p>\n Are you the type to sign online petitions? <\/p>\n