Monday<\/p>\n
A seven-bedroom Victorian house in Birkdale, Southport is for sale complete with its own ball pit. Owner Julie Williams says she was inspired by model Cara Delevingne, who installed one in her LA home on the grounds that \u201cyou can\u2019t really be sad in a ball pit.\u201d Wise words, Cara, albeit ones suggestive of a life blessedly free of the experience of dragging screaming pugilistic toddlers apart at a soft play centre.<\/p>\n
Anyway. Julie had a spare room and, suddenly, a dream. So she bought 11,000 plastic balls and fulfilled the latter by filling the former with them. \u201cIt\u2019s great,\u201d she says. \u201cThis is the new relaxation method for mums and dads. Get a ball pit and hide away from the children.\u201d I had thought my admiration for a woman who builds her own ball pit for fun could not increase but \u2013 to find that she did it and shuts the kids out so that she can enjoy it? This is next level living-your-best-life stuff and I could not applaud it more.<\/p>\n
\u2018God, is there nowhere I can go for a bloody fag in peace any more?\u2019 Photograph: WPA\/Getty ImagesTuesday<\/p>\n
The new editor of Vogue has been announced. I won\u2019t keep you in suspense: it is not me. I\u2019m afraid the era of bobbled cardigans and Sainsbury\u2019s leggings is not yet here. Instead, the job went to American Vogue editor Chloe Malle, the daughter of director Louis and actor Candice Bergen (who once played the magazine\u2019s editor-in-chief in Sex and the City with many nods to Anna \u201cNuclear\u201d Wintour\u2019s tyrannical regime, which no doubt helped seal the deal for her offspring, given Wintour\u2019s legendary sense of humour).<\/p>\n
Malle has her work cut out navigating a hostile economy and modern publishing landscape but imagine the glorious life that stretches before Wintour now. No more early morning tennis, daily blowdries, high heels or trademark sunglasses \u2013 she can see in colour any time she chooses for the first time in 40 years! She could even have a sandwich if she felt like it. It makes me genuinely joyful to think that she can now experience genuine comfort at last.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s that? She\u2019s staying on? Same office, different title? Overseeing Malle and the rest of the 27 international titles? Why? Why would you plan to die hungry in harness like this? Anna, please. Try one elasticated waistband before you decide. Or get yourself over to Cara\u2019s gaff. There\u2019s something there that might just blow your mind.<\/p>\n
Wednesday<\/p>\n
Sweden is putting the finishing touches to its official \u201ccultural canon\u201d \u2013 and has left out Abba. People are head over heels at the news. I mean \u2013 mamma mia, what in the Fernando is going on? Excluding your greatest claim to fame, your most dominant export since the Vikings \u2013 that\u2019s not the name of the game! Such is the controversy that officials may find they have met their Waterloo and have to send an SOS to the world. Voulez-vous this, really, Swedish powers that be?<\/p>\n
In fact the whole list is slightly off. Pippi Longstocking made the cut instead of Astrid Lindgren\u2019s Bullerby children. Ikea\u2019s original headquarters have placed, when it should obviously have been specifically and far more potently the Billy bookcase. And Ingmar Bergman\u2019s The Seventh dreary Seal has been recognised instead of Alexander Skarsg\u00e5rd in True Blood. It\u2019s a travesty. Abba, if you\u2019re listening \u2013 thank you for the music. Alexander \u2013 thank you for so much more.<\/p>\n
Thursday<\/p>\n
I have done the worst thing. The very worst thing. I didn\u2019t mean to, but I have done it and I don\u2019t know how to move forward from here.<\/p>\n
I missed a hospital appointment. I had the wrong day in my diary and I didn\u2019t realise. I am mortified. No Mangan has ever done this before. It is no more acceptable to disrespect a doctor \u2013 a doctor! \u2013 or spike the wheels of a clinic\u2019s administration than it is to murder a puppy. In fact, I would place money on there having been more puppy killings than missed medical appointments in my family\u2019s history, and I stress that I am neither aware of any dead canine-shaped blots on the escutcheon nor of any previous or extant members of the clan being that way inclined.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know what to do with myself in this new reality. I may have to take the veil. Immure myself as a secular anchoress somewhere. Anything to show how sorry I am, prove that I am not the selfish moron you would assume. I\u2019m just, you know, an ordinary moron. One who can\u2019t, apparently, tell the difference between Wednesday 3 September and Thursday 4 September, 15.30. Please, forgive me?<\/p>\n
Friday<\/p>\n
I turn for solace to my mother. This is generally a mistake. But this time I ask for proxy comfort only, in the shape of her sole contribution to our culinary history \u2013 the sausage pie recipe, handed down through the distaff generations. I\u2019ve never made it before because I like neither it nor cooking, but my son loves it and as I didn\u2019t take him to enough ball pits as a child, my conscience smites me.<\/p>\n
So I call Mum for the recipe.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s skinned sausages, onions, Paxo and tomato ketchup,\u201d she says. \u201cFry them. Put mashed potato on top. It\u2019s very dry, so make a jug of gravy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d I say, scribbling it all down and hoping Yotam Ottolenghi doesn\u2019t walk past. \u201cAnd \u2013 quantities?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much of each thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEnough for the number of people you\u2019ve got to feed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut \u2013 proportions?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean, proportions? It\u2019s some sausages, some onion, some stuffing and some ketchup. A dollop. You dollop. You want it more sausagey, add some more sausage. You want it more oniony, add some onions. It\u2019s not rocket science.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI see,\u201d I say. And I do. I see so much.<\/p>\n
Nigel Farage: \u2018Ribbit ribbit ribbit.\u2019 Photograph: Ian Vogler\/Mirrorpix<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Monday A seven-bedroom Victorian house in Birkdale, Southport is for sale complete with its own ball pit. Owner…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":136306,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[57],"tags":[236,88],"class_list":["post-136305","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-celebrities","tag-celebrities","tag-entertainment"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136305","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=136305"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136305\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/136306"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=136305"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=136305"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=136305"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}