{"id":214180,"date":"2025-10-10T11:48:06","date_gmt":"2025-10-10T11:48:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/214180\/"},"modified":"2025-10-10T11:48:06","modified_gmt":"2025-10-10T11:48:06","slug":"most-men-i-know-share-an-annoying-tendency-it-might-explain-why-so-many-are-lonely","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/214180\/","title":{"rendered":"Most men I know share an annoying tendency. It might explain why so many are lonely."},"content":{"rendered":"

Each week, Prudence\u00a0asks readers for their thoughts<\/a>\u00a0on the letters she\u2019s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for\u00a0Slate Plus members<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Blind Sided:<\/a> This is based on nothing but my own personal observations, but there\u2019s a tendency I\u2019ve noticed with my own husband and his friends and family, as well as with most of my friends\u2019 husbands. I think it\u2019s a big part<\/a> of the \u201cmale loneliness epidemic.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n

It seems men almost completely outsource kin-keeping to their wives and girlfriends. They simply do not put in the effort to maintain relationships. They do put in some effort with their families, but not nearly as much as their wives do.<\/p>\n

We see lots of letters where mothers-in-law complain that their daughters-in-law favor their own families, and the daughters-in-law always get blamed\u2014when the real blame should go to their sons for a lack of effort.<\/p>\n

\u2014Wildcat01<\/p>\n

Your own personal observations line up with actual research.<\/a> You\u2019re definitely on to something here.<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

This is for Blind Sided<\/a>, and it\u2019s a very old school suggestion. Back in the days before we had endless ways to communicate\u2014when we all had landlines\u2014my mom called my Nana every Wednesday, and my dad usually called his parents every Tuesday or Thursday \u2026 I can\u2019t quite remember. But having a scheduled time helps make it a routine and a pattern.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve noticed in my own extended family that because it\u2019s \u201ceasier\u201d to connect whenever, we\u2019re actually less connected than in the pre-social media and cell phone days\u2014unless someone is actively acting as the family cruise director. Your husband\u2019s family might just need a new cruise director.<\/p>\n

\u2014Set a Weekly Call<\/p>\n

I really like this idea.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Same Difference<\/a>: I have a lot of empathy for the letter writer! It can be so hard to get your head around the fact that biological pregnancy is not going to work. But as someone going through IVF myself, let me say: the LW has not been paying attention to the details if she thinks having sex with Manny one time is going to solve her problems.<\/p>\n

Did the doctor definitively say that the reason conception has failed is her husband\u2019s sperm? Does she know with certainty that she has numerous viable eggs that can fertilize unassisted? Does she know that her ovulation cycle is predictable and healthy?<\/p>\n

The LW was likely told that the probability of natural pregnancy per menstrual cycle is around 25 percent<\/a>, and that\u2019s if she\u2019s in her 20s and there are no other health impediments for her or her husband. This probability drops precipitously<\/a> with age.<\/p>\n

This is not to discourage people who are trying to conceive<\/a>\u2014I\u2019m in that precipitously dropping probability group, and thank goodness for modern medicine<\/a>! But it is noticeable to me that she has gone through IVF and not had a successful pregnancy, so she has been educated on the small probabilities we\u2019re dealing with, and the likelihood that even with the best medicine has to offer, it\u2019s not going to happen. And she and her husband are still thinking there might be a good reason to try this plan, which has seemingly infinite ways<\/a> it can go wrong \u2026 and only one minuscule way it can go right?<\/p>\n

That either means there\u2019s more going on here\u2014as you suggested, maybe she or her husband is looking for an excuse for her to have sex with Manny. In that case, DO NOT get a child involved. But more worrying to me is the likelihood that she, her husband, or both have not really understood and processed the IVF failure. There is almost no reason to think she will get pregnant naturally from sleeping with Manny once. The fact that she or her husband think it\u2019s that easy, despite everything they have already learned and experienced, means they need to spend time working through the disappointment and grief that come with accepting that biological children are not in their future. The effort to process, grieve, heal, and move forward as a family should be the focus\u2014not cockamamie schemes that may only damage the marriage more and simply delay the pain of infertility.<\/p>\n

Sending my love and good wishes for them to find a path to making a happy, stable family.<\/p>\n

\u2014Gabby<\/p>\n

You are making me realize I failed to question the letter writer\u2019s assumption that the thing standing in the way of her getting pregnant was an issue with her husband\u2019s sperm. And you make a good point about the fact that they\u2019ve already tried IVF. Sperm quality is definitely something they check out during that process, so the couple should really know definitively, beyond \u201cit looks as though the doctors [who predicted that he wouldn\u2019t be able to conceive when he was a child] were correct.\u201d We have updated information! Anyway, I don\u2019t want to get too far into the medical details, even though those of us who\u2019ve been throughIVF should really have some kind of honorary degree in fertility medicine. Suffice it to say, the answer to \u201cCould this really be the solution we\u2019ve been looking for?\u201d is \u201cprobably not.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Unlovable<\/a>: I think you might be looking for love in the wrong places. Certainly, romantic love can be important to some, but I only have one person in my life who loves me that way (my husband) and a dozen or more people who love me in a friendship way. I wonder if seeking out a chosen family might help fill this void. Perhaps you could start with fellow adoptees. There\u2019s a lot of discussion about adopted children who went through exactly what you\u2019ve experienced and I bet you would vibe with some of them.<\/p>\n

\u2014Friends > Family<\/p>\n

Good idea. And if the task of creating a chosen family feels daunting, just start with \u201csome people with similar histories who understand what I\u2019m dealing with.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Unlovable<\/a>: Everyone who has not yet found their person eventually starts to think they are unlovable. I thought so too\u2014and I just celebrated the 43rd anniversary of a marriage that is everything you are looking for. An older friend helped me, and I want to share the advice he gave me. I hope you will try it.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Help! My Sister\u2019s Boyfriend Lured Me Into an Awful Affair. Now She Wants Me to Be a Bridesmaid at Their Wedding.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

One Good Thing Came Out of My Horrible, Stressful Corporate Job. My Family Is Determined to Ruin It for Me.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Help! I\u2019m Making Elaborate Plans to Go Completely Off the Grid. There\u2019s Still One Thing I Need to Address.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n


\n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

Help! My Wife Constantly Lets Her Grandkids Invade Our Private Time. This Has to Stop.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

Make a written list of everything you want in a relationship and in a partner. No detail is too small. Take your time\u2014spend a week or more on it. When you can\u2019t think of one more thing, go through the list and pick out the 10 or 12 most important items. Again, take your time and consider carefully. Once you have locked that down, order the list. Put the most important first, and write them out from first to last. Read it often. If you go out to a bar, read the list before you go. If you go on a weekend singles adventure, make it your purpose to open your heart and get to know everyone. My person was there all along\u2014I just hadn\u2019t noticed.<\/p>\n

Remember, your person may not have every quality on the list, but your focus will attune your mind to recognize the one. This really, actually works. Do it, and then give it time.<\/p>\n

Many people come from families who could not love them. This is your parent\u2019s failure, not yours. You can create the loving family you want. In fact, you have already begun.<\/p>\n

\u2014WaldoX\u201322<\/p>\n

Write back and send us the list, please!<\/p>\n

Hey Prudence,<\/p>\n

Re Wish She Hadn\u2019t But She\u2019s An Adult<\/a>: Your advice to stay out of it with the sisters is good. But perhaps you could also remind the LW that her mother is a fully formed adult who still has desires and needs. No one wants to think of their parents as sexual beings (eww), but the LW seemed to give her dad a pass for his behavior while sort of condemning her mom for her new boobs. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive at any age, and it\u2019s not necessarily a sign of dementia. The LW should give some grace to her mom\u2014and stay out of it with her sisters.<\/p>\n

\u2014Marguerite<\/p>\n

That is such a good point! It seems my own internalized misogyny made me overlook the douchy dating habits completely. Why isn\u2019t anyone concerned about the dad? They will be when he introduces them to a new stepmother who is draped in red flags. Meanwhile, the mom\u2019s new boobs are hurting no one.<\/p>\n

Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

I met one of my closest friends in college, and she\u2019s a great person, most of the time. The one thing that really bothers me is that she\u2019s jealous of people in our field who are successful. Anytime someone we know, or a random person that has a similar age to us, is remotely successful, she gets jealous. She\u2019ll say things like \u201cwhy isn\u2019t that me\u201d or just \u201cugh\u201d and sigh. It\u2019s making me more and more annoyed as time goes on and I notice it more. Of course, I also worry that she will direct that at me and I don\u2019t need that in my life. I\u2019ve been hesitant to tell her when I get job interviews or offers because I don\u2019t know if she\u2019s honest in her \u201ccongratulations!\u201d What do I do?\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n

Get advice on manners and morals in your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Each week, Prudence\u00a0asks readers for their thoughts\u00a0on the letters she\u2019s received. Her reply will be available every Friday…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":214181,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[3005,11463,97,6843],"class_list":{"0":"post-214180","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-dear-prudence","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-slate-plus"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/214180","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=214180"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/214180\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/214181"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=214180"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=214180"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=214180"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}