This week, academics at King\u2019s College London and the University of Oxford published the first-ever ranking of the physical side effects of the most common antidepressants prescribed for depression<\/a>. It has brought much-needed nuance to the conversation that has long been missing.<\/p>\n Growing up, I didn\u2019t understand what antidepressants really were. I understood there was something shameful in being \u201cmental\u201d, but didn\u2019t think beyond that. Then, at university, I experienced my first periods of real depression (a result of an adolescent eating disorder<\/a>). I was prescribed a mild dose of sertraline alongside weekly therapy and check-ins with a dietitian. Uni friends and I would commiserate with each other about the medication we were on, discussing doses and side effects as casually as if we were comparing hair products.<\/p>\n New FeatureIn ShortQuick Stories. Same trusted journalism.<\/p>\n The drugs appeared to ease my constant apathy and despair, and I found relief in just feeling kind of OK a lot of the time. But\u00a0I did experience side effects<\/a>\u00a0\u2013 dizziness, an incredibly unpleasant numbing and tingling, and nausea that my disordered brain latched onto.<\/p>\n I remember my mum worried about this, and the long-term impacts, and in truth, she wasn\u2019t wrong. All antidepressants have side effects which can potentially have long-term consequences. These could include weight gain, increased cholesterol, increased heart rate or increased blood pressure, which over time could\u00a0accelerate your risk of heart disease or stroke. Then there\u2019s the potential numbness or tingling in your hands and feet, which are known as \u201cbrain zaps\u201d, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, and a general numbing effect where, rather than feeling too much, you feel nothing at all.<\/p>\n After a few years, I recovered from the anorexia and the bouts of depression that broke through my medicated barrier stopped. I began to feel truly okay \u2013 even good, most of the time. I was in my early twenties, so life was rife with uncertainty, stress and longing, but I realised, with the help\u00a0of my girlfriend, that I didn\u2019t need them anymore. I weaned myself off them at 23 and tried to live my life fully. The withdrawal was tough, but I soon found that I had been more numbed than I realised, and was glad I\u2019d made the choice when I felt ready.<\/p>\n In the years after, I became increasingly concerned with\u00a0how mental health was being treated on the NHS<\/a>, and antidepressants becoming not just the first point of call but the only solution offered. The wider medicalising of mental distress, when that distress was a legitimate response to the\u00a0state of the world, seemed reductive. Prescriptions, to me, were an easy way to elide over what might be the core of the problem. They don\u2019t give you the tools to understand what is happening in your brain; at best, they just smooth the edges. And as I now understood how it felt to be mentally stable, I had a vague idea I\u2019d never rely on them again.<\/p>\n Life proved me wrong, as it often does. My anorexia had been a warning sign of a compulsive nature that finally reached its destructive heights in 2019.\u00a0I developed, seemingly out of\u00a0nowhere, \u201cpure\u201d OCD<\/a>\u00a0(where obsessions and compulsions are internal) and completely lost myself. I was in a constant state of panic and hypervigilance and the passing of time felt like a threat. I struggled through daily life, terrified of my own thoughts and what the next moment might trigger in me. It was hell.<\/p>\n At first, I tried sertraline briefly but found that it only brought back the tingling numbness and exacerbated my anxiety. I then tried mirtazapine but found out it was linked to weight gain. I didn\u2019t even try to let it work before dropping it, as it\u00a0triggered a return of anorexic behaviours. I could see my stable, happy self just out of reach of being med-free, and I was determined to get back there. So I spent the next three years trying everything non-pharmacological to climb back to myself.<\/p>\n
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