{"id":337091,"date":"2025-12-08T14:48:10","date_gmt":"2025-12-08T14:48:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/337091\/"},"modified":"2025-12-08T14:48:10","modified_gmt":"2025-12-08T14:48:10","slug":"my-parents-blew-all-their-inheritance-on-my-deadbeat-brother-now-theyre-liquidating-their-retirement-for-him-too","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/337091\/","title":{"rendered":"My Parents Blew All Their Inheritance on My Deadbeat Brother. Now They\u2019re Liquidating Their Retirement for Him, Too."},"content":{"rendered":"

Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here<\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

My brother is perpetually unemployed and his wife, my sister-in-law, is a \u201cprofessional painter\u201d of little talent and less success. They have four children of their own despite being unable to keep a roof over their own heads. But my brother has always been the \u201cgolden child,\u201d and our parents have always supported him and his family in a middle-class lifestyle, including building them a big custom house (in a cheap part of the country, but still) and buying them cars and groceries.<\/p>\n

The money for this has come from my grandmother. When she passed away some decades ago, she left a substantial estate (my grandfather had a very generous pension and highly successful investments). She left it equally to her three children, with a stipulation that the remaining estate ultimately then go evenly to her six grandchildren (each child had two) when her children also passed. (I don\u2019t know, and can\u2019t readily obtain, the exact language in the will, but that\u2019s what I\u2019m told.)<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve long known that all of Grandma\u2019s legacy has already gone to my brother and sister-in-law. But more recently, I learned that parents are now at the point of diverting their retirement savings to them. Their assumption is that, once those funds run out,\u00a0 I\u2019ll pick up supporting all eight of them\u2014my brother and his family and my parents\u2014for the rest of their lives. The level of success I\u2019ve enjoyed is nowhere near THAT level, and they know it.\u00a0 When I noted this, it was brushed off with, \u201cOh, we\u2019re sure you\u2019ll figure it out.\u201d\u00a0 (There is a long-standing tendency here to ignore problems and assume they\u2019ll just solve themselves.)<\/p>\n

I was already annoyed about the refusal to obey the terms of my grandmother\u2019s will. My parents\u2019 non-inherited money is of course their own decision.\u00a0 But this? They\u2019re all headed for a massive cliff, and I can only cushion the fall a little bit by wrecking my own life. Part of me says that I\u2019ve already told them their plan isn\u2019t happening so it\u2019s now on them (my wife\u2019s view also), another part recoils from the idea of my nieces and nephews ending up homeless. Is there anything at all reasonable you can see to do here?<\/p>\n

\u2014Not a Billionaire<\/p>\n

Dear Not a Billionaire,<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s separate what you think happened from what you actually know. You say your grandmother\u2019s estate was supposed to go \u201cequally to grandchildren\u201d eventually, but you admit you haven\u2019t seen the will and don\u2019t know the exact language. Here\u2019s the reality: most wills or\u00a0 trusts (if the funds were in a trust) give the heirs (your parents) full discretion over distributions. They may have been legally entitled to give everything to your brother or spend it all themselves. Unless you\u2019ve actually read the will or trust documents, you don\u2019t know if they violated anything.<\/p>\n

And even if the will or trust said \u201cremaining estate goes to grandchildren,\u201d your parents are still alive. That money wasn\u2019t supposed to come to you yet anyway.<\/p>\n

Anyway, the real problem isn\u2019t Grandma\u2019s money\u2014it\u2019s that your parents are bankrupting themselves to fund your brother\u2019s lifestyle, and they expect you to support eight people when the money runs out. That\u2019s insane.<\/p>\n

You need to have two face-to-face conversations, immediately.<\/p>\n

First, sit down with your parents and say this directly: \u201cI will not be supporting you, my brother, his wife, or their four children when your money runs out. I don\u2019t have the resources to support eight people, and even if I did, I wouldn\u2019t. You\u2019ve all made choices about how to spend your money. You need a real financial plan that doesn\u2019t include me as your retirement fund.\u201d Then stop talking and make sure they\u2019ve heard you. Rinse and repeat, if necessary.<\/p>\n

Second, have the same conversation with your brother and his wife, preferably in person or by video conference, so you can see their faces and they can see you\u2019re not kidding. \u201cMom and Dad have been supporting you for decades. I need you to hear this: When their money runs out, I will not be stepping in. You have four children. You need jobs, income, and a plan. I\u2019m telling you this now so you can prepare. Don\u2019t come to me after they\u2019ve run out of money asking me to pony up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Next, follow up both conversations in writing so there\u2019s documentation.<\/p>\n

When this collapses\u2013and it will\u2013the people who will suffer most are your four nieces and nephews. They didn\u2019t choose any of this. And despite what you\u2019re telling everyone now, when those kids are facing homelessness, you\u2019re going to feel obligated to do something.<\/p>\n

So don\u2019t commit your resources now. Don\u2019t set up 529 accounts or make financial promises. Keep every dollar you have because you\u2019re going to need it for leverage later. When the crisis hits, you can offer strategic, conditional help: \u201cI will help support the kids if you sell that custom house and move somewhere affordable, and if you get and keep actual jobs. I will contribute to rent for a basic apartment, not fund your current lifestyle.\u201d<\/p>\n

The best-case scenario? Your parents\u2019 money lasts until the kids are 18 and finished with high school, college or trade school. In the meantime, start building individual relationships with your nieces and nephews. Get to know them. Model financial responsibility. Help them see there\u2019s another way to live besides waiting for handouts or bailouts. When they\u2019re old enough, help them with college applications, job searches, and some much-needed financial literacy. They need someone to show them a different path.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t save eight people. But you might be able to help four kids escape the cycle their parents and grandparents have modeled for them.<\/p>\n

\u2014Ilyce<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

More Money Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers.<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

My husband and I have been married for 11 years, together for 14. Since having our three kids (the oldest is going to be 8), I have been a stay-at-home mom. My husband has always been financially abusive. We used to have a shared account, but he would only put money in it if I asked. He would put in the exact amount, and it could only be for certain things like groceries and sometimes clothing for the children.<\/p>\n

Two years ago, we were going through some hardships in which my husband not only cheated on me but filed for a divorce, closed the shared account, and cut me off completely\u2014financially and otherwise. During that time (until I finally found a job), I was dependent on my mom and my sister for money. The only thing he continued to pay was the rent, because he would be embarrassed if anyone knew his kids were homeless.<\/p>\n

Fast forward two years, I have decided to try to forgive him (he pulled the papers for the divorce). I have not only found a job, but I have been able to save some money, and I am able to take care of my own bills rather than depend on him exclusively like before. The issue is now he is having some financial difficulties, and I could offer to help him with my savings, but I don\u2019t want to. I am still upset over what he did, I want to keep my money (I worry if he cut me off before, he can do it again), and I don\u2019t want to lend him money because he is of the belief that any money I have is also his because of all the years he provided for us and wouldn\u2019t want to pay it back. If I am genuinely trying to make my marriage work, is it fair for me to withhold this money\u2014as well as the knowledge of this money\u2014from my husband?<\/p>\n

\u2014Once Bitten, Twice Shy<\/p>\n

Dear Once Bitten, Twice Shy,<\/p>\n

Girl, keep your money. You\u2019re trying to make your marriage work, but it\u2019s not going to if you fall into old habits and patterns. What your husband did before was not OK. Period. It was\u00a0financial abuse<\/a>, and the fact that he used your children\u2019s wellbeing against their mother is even worse. Your first responsibility is making sure your children are well taken care of, not him. A major part of that includes ensuring your own financial peace of mind, which wasn\u2019t his priority at all.<\/p>\n

That being said, it\u2019s a major red flag that you want to save this relationship but don\u2019t trust him. You\u2019re worried he will cut you off again and you\u2019ll be in the same shitty situation before. I\u2019m not going to tell you to leave him, but I am going to suggest that both of you go into marriage counseling immediately. You need to establish a healthy means of communication if you\u2019re going to try to move forward. You also need move past this without feeling like you are punishing each other. Good luck.<\/p>\n

\u2014Athena Valentine<\/p>\n

From: My Husband Has Been Financially Abusive For Years. Now The Tables Are Turning.<\/a> (July 26th, 2021).<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

Recently, several members of my family have become suspicious that my sister is manipulating our mother to try to move back into their home. It\u2019s a long story that reads like a villain from a novel, but the gist of it is that my sister has previously threatened to put our mom into a nursing home against her wishes and to sue to get control of their house. (Our parents are elderly and disabled now.) I\u2019ve found my sister is badmouthing relatives to Mom and encouraging her to remove them from the will, in addition to trying to move back in. My mother is very superstitious, so she absolutely will not discuss death-related things with us in detail. Mom will not listen to us about our worries about my sister. My father may, but my mother rules the roost, so what she says goes. What can I do? How can we help protect them from my conniving sister? What steps can they take?<\/p>\n

\u2014Help Save Parents From Scheming Daughter<\/p>\n

Dear Save,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Mother-in-Law Is Torturing the Entire Family With Her Beloved \u201cHobby.\u201d I\u2019m the Only One Willing to Do Something About It.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

We Held Hands. We Told Stories. He Fell Asleep On My Shoulder. Then He Did Something Totally Baffling.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I Took My Nephews In After My Brother Abandoned Them. Now They\u2019re Furious Over the Ways I \u201cFailed\u201d Them.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Mom Saw Something on My Phone That She Didn\u2019t Like. Her Response Has Been Horrible\u2014and Hypocritical.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

This situation sounds frustrating and hard to watch. And it sucks. What\u2019s even more frustrating is that your parents are adults, and they are going to do what they are going to do\u2014which includes listening to your sister if they choose to. However, I suggest the following.
First, make an appointment with an estate attorney and find out what your options are to help assist with your parents\u2019 care. If they are incapable of taking care of themselves, both physically and\/or mentally, you may be able to file for power of attorney, which would allow you to oversee both their medical care as well as their finances. Next, join a support group.\u00a0Aging Care<\/a>\u00a0offers a variety of resources to help you have these\u00a0hard money conversations<\/a>\u00a0along with information about elderly care, law, and housing. Even if they continue to follow your sister\u2019s lead, it\u2019s important to be informed of what you can do versus what you can\u2019t, so you can be ready should the opportunity arise.<\/p>\n

\u2014Elizabeth Spiers<\/p>\n

From: My Parents Disowned My Brother After He Came Out. Do I Have To Split My Inheritance With Him?<\/a> (July 28th, 2021).<\/p>\n

Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

My wife and I are trying to rebuild our marriage after she caught me in bed with another woman. It took almost losing her to realize how much I love my wife. I am 100 percent committed to reconciling with her, but since she only discovered the affair two months ago, her emotions are still very raw. She vacillates between wanting to reconcile and wanting to move in with her best friend so we can separate. I\u2019m terrified she\u2019ll divorce me, and I\u2019ve become clingy. <\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It\u2019s…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":45401,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[39],"tags":[3005,28,3006,147,530,3007,6843],"class_list":{"0":"post-337091","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-business","10":"tag-family","11":"tag-personal-finance","12":"tag-personalfinance","13":"tag-relationships","14":"tag-slate-plus"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337091","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=337091"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/337091\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/45401"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=337091"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=337091"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=337091"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}