There is a holiday moment many of us know well: the quiet walk outside, the long exhale, the brief escape from a room full of people we love but sometimes struggle to navigate.<\/p>\n
This season carries both beauty and weight. It can draw out our best qualities\u2014generosity<\/a>, gratitude<\/a>, warmth\u2014and also uncover the places where we are still growing.<\/p>\n I used to think this tension meant something was wrong\u2014and honestly, part of me still does. But I\u2019m also trying to see it differently, not because I\u2019ve mastered it, but because I\u2019m very much in the middle of learning how to approach these moments with curiosity instead of defensiveness.<\/p>\n One framework that has helped me rethink these emotionally charged experiences is the 70\u201320\u201310 model of development. Originally used in leadership<\/a> psychology, it explains how people grow\u2014not in theory, but in real life.<\/p>\n And the holidays offer all three of the following ingredients in abundance.<\/p>\n 1. The 70%: Real-Life Experiences (The Hard Moments We Didn\u2019t Choose)<\/p>\n According to the model, 70% of growth comes from challenging experiences\u2014the kind that push us outside our comfort zones.<\/p>\n The holidays provide these moments with surprising precision:<\/p>\n A comment that lands too sharply I don\u2019t approach these moments with perfect composure. I\u2019m not writing from the finish line\u2014far from it.<\/p>\n For most of my life, and still right now, I\u2019ve experienced these moments as obstacles to a peaceful season. But lately, I\u2019m trying\u2014imperfectly\u2014to see them as part of my growth instead of proof of my shortcomings.<\/p>\n Psychologists call this a learning orientation\u2014seeing challenges as opportunities to grow rather than threats to avoid.<\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t make the moment easier.<\/p>\n But it does change how we make meaning of it.<\/p>\n 2. The 20%: The People Who Help Us Make Sense of Things<\/p>\n Another 20% of growth comes from relationships\u2014the conversations that help us process our experiences.<\/p>\n For some people, that\u2019s a spouse or partner. For others, a therapist, pastor, friend, or sibling.<\/p>\n These people:<\/p>\n help us notice patterns And often, they help us laugh a little at ourselves\u2014which is a form of grace we don\u2019t give enough credit.<\/p>\n I rely on these conversations far more than I admit. They turn holiday tension into insight. Without them, the moment just stays a moment. With them, the moment becomes meaningful.<\/p>\n 3. The 10%: The Tools We Bring With Us<\/p>\n The final 10% of development comes from formal learning\u2014the articles we read (even this one), the concepts we study, the frameworks we carry, the skills we\u2019ve practiced in calmer months.<\/p>\n These tools rarely show up perfectly in the moment. But afterward, they help us reflect with less shame<\/a> and more clarity. <\/p>\n Knowledge alone doesn\u2019t change us\u2014but it supports the slow work that does.<\/p>\n Walking the Winter Path<\/p>\n The image accompanying this post\u2014one person walking a winding snowy path lit by warm lights\u2014captures the emotional landscape of the season:<\/p>\n Beautiful, but stretching. Quiet, but full of meaning. Lonely<\/a> at times, but also illuminating.<\/p>\n Growth doesn\u2019t happen when life is perfectly calm.<\/p>\n It happens in the swirl of relationships, expectations, misunderstandings, love, nostalgia<\/a>, and complexity that the holidays bring.<\/p>\n It happens on the walk, not just at the destination.<\/p>\n If the Holidays Stretch You, Try This<\/p>\n Ask yourself:<\/p>\n \u201cWhat might this moment be developing in me?\u201d<\/p>\n Not as a way to excuse unhealthy behavior from others, but to acknowledge the possibility of growth in yourself.<\/p>\n Reach out:<\/p>\n Talk to someone who helps you see clearly and kindly.<\/p>\n Lean on what you know:<\/p>\n
\nA disagreement about schedules or expectations
\nThe resurfacing of an old family dynamic<\/a>
\nThe ache of grief<\/a> or distance
\nThe overwhelm of trying to please everyone<\/p>\n
\nremind us we\u2019re not failing
\noffer alternate perspectives
\nreflect how much we\u2019ve already grown<\/p>\n