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Everybody deserves a gift. Don\u2019t believe that? Tell me then why even prisoners get Christmas gifts.<\/p>\n
(OK, I don\u2019t know that for a fact. I\u2019m basing that entirely on what was said by the police officers at the end of \u201cHome Alone 2: Lost in New York\u201d when \u2014 spoiler alert \u2014 the Sticky Bandits were being detained after robbing a toy store and attempting to shoot Kevin McCallister on Christmas Eve.)<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a Michigan joke somewhere in there, but I don\u2019t have the heart to make it. Way too soon.<\/p>\n
After all, it\u2019s Christmas. \u2018Tis the season of giving.<\/p>\n
Here are Christmas gifts for every SEC<\/a> team in 2025:<\/p>\n Alabama \u2014 Entry into an ultramarathon<\/p>\n That would actually force Alabama<\/a> to run. Lord knows the Tide haven\u2019t exactly done that this year with a ground game that\u2019s currently the worst we\u2019ve seen in Tuscaloosa since 1955. Alabama fans are used to watching several different players break free and run from the pack. Maybe an ultramarathon isn\u2019t the best place to do just that, but at the very least, it\u2019ll ensure that the Tide have to put one foot in front of the other instead of getting stuffed at the line of scrimmage.<\/p>\n Arkansas \u2014 A set of horseshoes<\/p>\n What\u2019s the phrase again? Being close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades? I figured the former was a more appropriate gift than the latter, though after the 2-10 season, that\u2019s probably not a universal opinion. Arkansas<\/a> needs a game that it can win by simply being close. In the Sam Pittman era, Arkansas went 7-19 in 1-score games, which doesn\u2019t include the 0-3 mark that Bobby Petrino had in those spots. Fortunately, Ryan Silverfield was 19-15 in 1-score games at Memphis. Unfortunately, a significant rebuild awaits and being close isn\u2019t a Year 1 guarantee.<\/p>\n Auburn \u2014 A magic set<\/p>\n Jordan-Hare Stadium was once considered the home to weird, even magical things. Whether that was the Kick 6 or the Prayer at Jordan-Hare, you could once set your watch to weird, unexplainable things happening on The Plains. Dare I say, the magic is gone. It\u2019s not just that Auburn has 5 consecutive losing seasons for the first time since the Harry Truman administration; it\u2019s that the Jordan-Hare magic is gone. In the post-Gus Malzahn era, Auburn<\/a>\u2018s home record vs. Power Conference competition is 5-17. That includes an 0-3 mark vs. Alabama, who has since captured all the Jordan-Hare magic in the 2020s. While Alex Golesh<\/a> rebuilds that remarkable home advantage \u2014 I ranked him as the No. 2 hire in this entire coaching carousel \u2014 Auburn can enjoy practicing magic to pass the time.<\/p>\n Florida \u2014 A white noise machine<\/p>\n Personally, I can\u2019t sleep without one. Jon Sumrall<\/a> has been getting 2-hour nights of sleep while juggling 2 jobs, so clearly, he could use that. But the white noise machine would also help Florida<\/a> fans drown out the opinions of others as Sumrall begins his quest to get the program back to national relevance. That might not take shape in Year 1. But at a place that has had 4 consecutive coaches fail to reach Year 5 \u2014 I\u2019m not sure if you\u2019ve heard that \u2014 blocking out the noise and focusing on the long term outlook is pivotal.<\/p>\n Georgia \u2014 A bar of soap<\/p>\n I heard that NSFW leaked audio<\/a> of Kirby Smart<\/a> in practice. Smart, a Gen X coach who was raised by Baby Boomer parents, surely had a childhood experience in which he was punished by his parents by having a bar of soap put in his mouth. It\u2019s an old-fashioned method that has since faded from the mainstream, but plenty of what Georgia<\/a> does feels like it\u2019s from the previous generation. For example, UGA still hasn\u2019t discovered that Uber exists.<\/p>\n Kentucky \u2014 Full ownership of The Dude Perfect YouTube channel<\/p>\n Why would a bunch of Aggies fork over something that prints money? Simple. Mark Stoops did Texas A&M<\/a> a favor by ultimately not getting that job and having it go to Mike Elko<\/a>. Now, Kentucky<\/a> is on the hook for a $37 million buyout to its all-time wins leader. What better way to fund that than by taking over the YouTube channel that\u2019s earned generational wealth thanks to its billions of views and worldwide popularity. And while I have full confidence that Will Stein<\/a> knows his way around an offensive playbook, Kentucky can also dig back into the Dude Perfect archives and find some improbable trick shot ideas to turn around a unit that failed to crack the top 100 in yards\/play the last 2 years.<\/p>\n LSU \u2014 A shelter puppy that Lane Kiffin totally lives with<\/p>\n Hey, it helped make him likable at Ole Miss<\/a>. Why not bust out the puppy immediately after LSU<\/a> suffers a devastating loss next year?<\/p>\n Mississippi State \u2014 A stadium\u2019s worth of sound-proofing wall panels<\/p>\n Wait a minute. Wouldn\u2019t that make Davis-Wade Stadium quieter? Isn\u2019t the whole point of having 60,000 fans swinging cowbells supposed to create an unmatched home-field advantage that leaves visitors with a week-long headache? Yes and yes. But last I checked, Mississippi State<\/a> hasn\u2019t won a home game vs. an SEC team in the post-Mike Leach era. Like, the last time the Bulldogs beat an SEC team in front of their home fans was Nov. 5, 2022 vs. Auburn, AKA the time that Leach took his own team\u2019s chairs away<\/a> as it blew a 3-touchdown lead and needed overtime to beat a 5-7 team with a first-time head coach. The cowbells are great, but it might be time to pull a 180 to change up the vibes. Being the quietest stadium in America with tens of thousands of people would be a unique home-field advantage.<\/p>\n Mizzou \u2014 A Ford Model T<\/p>\n Mizzou<\/a> gets a car to match its dated passing game. Fun fact: The first forward pass completed in an organized game happened back in 1906, fittingly at Saint Louis University. Small world! Yes, Ahmad Hardy dominated for a potent Mizzou ground game and Beau Pribula showed flashes before he suffered a multi-week injury \u2026 only to finish the season and then enter the transfer portal. Only 7 FBS teams had fewer 30-yard passes than Mizzou, who was forced to turn to Matt Zollers, AKA the 3rd-string, true freshman quarterback who was 7-for-23 on passes that were 10 yards past the line of scrimmage. Zollers could return as the starter, or Eli Drinkwitz<\/a> could dip into the portal. Either way, Mizzou\u2019s passing game will try to get into the 21st century in 2026.<\/p>\n Oklahoma \u2014 A gift receipt on the $800,000 Jaydn Ott NIL deal<\/p>\n Surely Oklahoma<\/a> could make a strong case to get all of it its money back for that, right? Ott was barely taken out of the packaging!<\/p>\n Ole Miss \u2014 A sideline punching bag<\/p>\n Take all of that anger out. Go ahead. Who needs a sideline basketball hoop anymore? That\u2019s yesterday\u2019s celebration. Instead, shift to the punching bag, and if a certain former coach\u2019s face is featured prominently on it, well, I\u2019m not gonna tell you what to do with your own present.<\/p>\n South Carolina \u2014 A Ring doorbell camera<\/p>\n South Carolina<\/a> lacked protection in 2025. Anyone could just come onto their porch, steal their packages, sack LaNorris Sellers and walk away unscathed en route to victory. Sellers regressed, but he was also subjected to a 41.9% pressure rate on drop-backs, which was easily the highest in the SEC (it was No. 9 in the FBS among QBs with at least 50 pressured drop-backs). Sure, a Ring doorbell camera isn\u2019t exactly Pentagon-level protection, but nobody is saying that the elusive Sellers needs that. He just needs something to allow him to sit in his living room and not have teenagers nabbing packages off his porch.<\/p>\n Tennessee \u2014 A moat<\/p>\n To be fair, Tennessee<\/a> could argue that it\u2019s already on the way to a moat because of the Tennessee River right next to Neyland Stadium. It\u2019s the closest thing to a moat that basically anyone in college football has. But I\u2019m talking about a full moat surrounding the stadium. Why? Call me old fashioned, but that\u2019s the best line of defense. A moat gets the job done. Tennessee\u2019s defense didn\u2019t get the job done in 2025, which was why Josh Heupel<\/a> fired Tim Banks. I\u2019m not saying that a moat fixes all of those defensive issues for new DC Jim Knowles, but I am saying moats are currently undefeated (and also nonexistent) at college football stadiums.<\/p>\n Texas \u2014 A DVD of the movie \u201cYesterday\u201d<\/p>\n In the 2019 film, it plays out what the world would\u2019ve looked like after a temporary blackout erased all memories of a few key world developments, most notably \u201cThe Beatles.\u201d Not to spoil the movie, but the main character is a musician who gets hit on his bike the second that this blackout occurs, so he doesn\u2019t forget these key world developments in the way that 99.9% of the population does, so he then writes and performs all of \u201cThe Beatles\u201d songs as if they\u2019re his own. This is the exact sequence of events that Texas<\/a> needed to make the Playoff, except instead of the world having no memory of \u201cThe Beatles,\u201d we all just forget that Texas got beat by 4-8 Florida.<\/p>\n Texas A&M \u2014 An alarm clock<\/p>\n Johnny Manziel could\u2019ve used one to get to College Station from Miami, but A&M in general would\u2019ve benefitted from that. The South Carolina game wasn\u2019t just a sleepy start; it was a nightmare start wherein A&M woke up at halftime in a cold sweat. And A&M\u2019s offense didn\u2019t wake up in the Miami game until the very last drive, which still ended with an interception in the end zone. Much like with the aforementioned McCallister family in \u201cHome Alone,\u201d an alarm clock would\u2019ve solved a ton of problems.<\/p>\n Vanderbilt \u2014 A pause button<\/p>\n