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\n Photo: Craig Hudson\/Variety\/Getty Images\n <\/p>\n
The primary question in all matters concerning Melania Trump<\/a> is \u201cWhat is she thinking?<\/a>\u201d The First Lady is an endless font of utterly puzzling behavior. So it\u2019s fitting that at the premiere of her film Melania<\/a> on Thursday night she stood before the audience and declared, basically, \u201cCeci n\u2019est pas une documentary<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSome have called this a documentary. It is not,\u201d she said. \u201cMy film is a very deliberate act of authorship, inviting you to witness events and emotions through a window of rich imagery. It is a creative experience that offers perspectives, insights, and moments that only few have seen.\u201d<\/p>\n How could the Amazon-produced, Brett Ratner\u2013directed film project, which was described<\/a> from day one as a documentary possibly be anything else?<\/p>\n Surprisingly, after viewing the film, I find Melania\u2019s statement makes sense. Not literally, but in that this collection of random words feels like something ChatGPT might produce if it were asked to describe a behind-the-scenes documentary about the First Lady and the attempt to summarize human emotions and artistic endeavor broke its little AI brain.<\/p>\n The first scene of Melania is jaw-dropping. As the stilettoed, impeccably styled once-and-future First Lady makes her way into a motorcade, we hear the Rolling Stones\u2019 \u201cGimme Shelter.\u201d It\u2019s three weeks before Trump\u2019s return to power, and Mick Jagger is warning of the impending apocalypse. The line \u201cRape, murder, it\u2019s just a shot away!\u201d blares as we zoom in on Melania. Could it be that Brett Ratner \u2014 Brett Ratner<\/a>, of all people! \u2014 duped Melania into making art that actually has something to say about the return of the Trump regime, like Christopher Anderson\u2019s brilliant and grotesque photo shoot<\/a> for Vanity Fair?<\/p>\n Alas, no. As the film continues, it quickly becomes clear that this needle drop isn\u2019t meant to be subversive. It\u2019s more of a reflection of Donald Trump\u2019s habit of willfully ignoring the meaning of the show tunes<\/a> and classic rock bangers<\/a>. Next we\u2019re hit with Michael Jackson\u2019s \u201cBillie Jean\u201d (way later in the film we learn it\u2019s one of Melania\u2019s favorite songs, but it\u2019s a bizarre soundtrack for her entering Trump Tower). Then the music transitions to \u201cMelania\u2019s Waltz<\/a>,\u201d a dreamy, looping orchestral theme that was composed for the movie.<\/p>\n We never really leave this hazy, hallucinatory state. Footage of the Secret Service whisking Melania from Mar-a-Lago transitions into scenes of her giving inane directions on the tailoring of her inauguration suit, then blandly expressing her approval for the invitation, schedule, and tableware<\/a>. It seems all of these design decisions were actually made off-camera, weeks before filming began. We move from a conference room overlooking Central Park to a gilded Mar-a-Lago dining room to the marble hallways of Trump Tower and back again. We\u2019re totally sealed off from fresh air and outside reality. \u201cMelania\u2019s Waltz\u201d plays again and again. It feels like we\u2019re inside a gaudy gold jewelry box, watching a perfect MAGA-tized ballerina spin around and around. We\u2019re trapped \u2014 but if Melania ever feels that way there\u2019s no sign of it in this film. There\u2019s not a second where it seems that Melania wants out of this life or has even given her strange circumstances a second of deep thought.<\/p>\n The dialogue has a slightly off quality, too, like Eyes Wide Shut if Kubrick directed hours of Melania B-roll. All of the First Lady\u2019s interactions with other people feel rehearsed or reenacted. She also provides weirdly detached, substance-free narration throughout the film. In one scene, her father is being interviewed, but we don\u2019t hear what he has to say about his late wife; Melania\u2019s bland voice-over drowns him out. Knowing that the First Lady is a huge AI-enthusiast<\/a> (the audiobook of her memoir<\/a> is entirely AI-generated), I started wondering if she\u2019d also had some nonhuman help in drafting her narration. She describes Mar-a-Lago as \u201cmore than a home. It is warm. Sunshine. Family. Friends.\u201d At one point, we overhear Donald Trump praising their son, Barron. Melania responds robotically, \u201cYeah, I love him. Incredible mind.\u201d<\/p>\n For one hour and 44 minutes, it feels like we might be on the verge of seeing some actual interesting content. In the back of a limo, someone off-camera (maybe Ratner) coaxes the First Lady into sort-of singing along to \u201cBillie Jean.\u201d Kamala Harris rolls her eyes while waiting to enter Trump\u2019s swearing-in. Melania and Donald start to discuss whether it\u2019s smart to walk down the street during the inauguration, considering he just survived a near assassination. Melania remarks, \u201cBarron will not get out of the car. I respect that,\u201d but then they agree to have the rest of the conversation off-camera. It\u2019s like Melania, who executive-produced the project and had final cut, purposely stripped the film of any real emotions, so it\u2019s all perfectly styled shots, no humanity allowed.<\/p>\n The only reprieve is when Donald Tump appears. Trust me, I never thought I\u2019d be yearning to see more DJT. But the fact that he\u2019s the only Trump onscreen with natural star quality is glaringly obvious, even though he\u2019s unusually low-key throughout the film. All Donald really does is praise Melania as an amazing First Lady, make some quips to staffers, and rant about his stunning electoral victory on the other end of the phone. Yet whenever Trump\u2019s not onscreen, all you\u2019re thinking is Where\u2019s Trump<\/a>?<\/p>\n Admittedly, I am not really the intended audience here. While many journalists booked tickets in blue-leaning cities and had the theater practically to themselves, I experienced Melania in the belly of the beast (okay, slightly Trump-leaning Suffolk County, Long Island). Literally every seat in the 100-person theater was filled at 1 p.m. on a Friday. Unsurprisingly, the audience was very old, almost exclusively white, and heavily female. They clapped when Trump Force One appeared onscreen, chuckled anytime Donald said anything even mildly amusing, and whooped during the inauguration scene. Though they were silent when the president wasn\u2019t onscreen, I only heard positive reviews as I exited the theater (one person even remarked, \u201cWow, that was great!\u201d).<\/p>\n But, of course, people paying $17 to see Melania on premiere day are just a small sliver of the eventual audience. As I fought to keep my thoughts from drifting off as Melania fussed over the trim on her Carmen Sandiego hat<\/a>, I couldn\u2019t help but think of the millions of people who will sit down to watch this film in their own homes whenever it streams on Amazon Prime. Perhaps they\u2019ll be hoping for some insight into the Trump administration, a peek into what it\u2019s like to be Melania, or even just a chuckle. But this movie contains none of those things. It won\u2019t be long before they drift off, lulled to sleep by Melania\u2019s soulless narration.<\/p>\n