{"id":447096,"date":"2026-02-03T19:29:18","date_gmt":"2026-02-03T19:29:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/447096\/"},"modified":"2026-02-03T19:29:18","modified_gmt":"2026-02-03T19:29:18","slug":"the-nfl-doesnt-have-to-pretend-its-not-an-old-boys-club-anymore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/447096\/","title":{"rendered":"The NFL Doesn\u2019t Have To Pretend It\u2019s Not An Old Boys\u2019 Club Anymore"},"content":{"rendered":"

Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag<\/a>. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE<\/a>, and buy Drew\u2019s books<\/a> while you\u2019re at it<\/a>. Today, we’re talking about fake booze, depressing old sex movies, driver\u2019s ed in a Tesla, and more.<\/p>\n

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Today\u2019s Funbag will be mildly truncated as I and the rest of the Defector staff prepare for Dan McQuade\u2019s<\/a> memorial later this week. I\u2019ll be back at normal length next week, although I\u2019ll still be quite testy that Dan is no longer with us. Stupid cancer; you\u2019re almost worse than Trump.<\/p>\n

Your letters:<\/p>\n

Adrian:<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t understand how there\u2019s such a small pool of \u201chot\u201d coaching candidates every year in the NFL. Everyone seems to zero in on the same three to five names. How many hundreds of candidates are there in the NCAA? Or is it just that you have to have a famous NFL coach daddy to have a real shot?<\/p>\n

This is a good question to ask right now, given that the NFL had 10 head coaching vacancies this offseason and not one of them ended up being filled be a black person. Thanks to President Shits-His-Pants, corporations no longer have to pretend to care about diversity. Hence, more LaFleurs and Kubiaks for us all.<\/p>\n

You already knew that the NFL candidate pool was self-selecting, but the reasons go beyond the usual, transparent causes like racism and nepotism. League owners are highly susceptible to recency bias, especially in a copycat league. Take Klint Kubiak, for instance. Kubiak served as an offensive coordinator twice before arriving in Seattle; he only lasted a single season on the job in both instances. But then he goes to the Seahawks, makes a Super Bowl run, and HEY PRESTO! Did you see how the Klintburger brilliantly schemed Jaxon Smith-Njigba open all season long? He must be some kind of offensive savant! What\u2019s that about him flaming out in New Orleans? I don\u2019t care about that! GIMME THE WINNER GUY!<\/p>\n

The much bigger problem is that the NFL is, essentially, a closed ecosystem. Matt Eberflus got the Bears head coaching job in 2022 not because he was a good coach, but because he and Chicago GM Ryan Poles shared the same agent<\/a>. And if you hear the color guy on any broadcast talk up an assistant head coach, they\u2019re not doing so spontaneously. Assistants lobby for those on-air mentions. They pull the color guy aside in preproduction meetings and give them extra material to use on air, or their agent calls the color guy\u2019s agent and is like, You have got to talk about the job my client has been doing with the Seahawks offense. He\u2019s the next big thing! It\u2019s all politicking, and it\u2019s all done between parties who are rarely more than a single degree removed from one another. Anyone outside that circle of influence has about as much of a chance to get a top job as you or I do.<\/p>\n

So keep that in mind whenever you see a published list of \u201chot\u201d coaching candidates, or you hear Tom Brady wax poetic from the booth about Klintboy\u2019s acumen (which Brady did in a recent telecast; by no coincidence, Kubiak will be coaching the Raiders next season). The names you get are all names that have been surreptitiously pre-approved by everyone in NFL circles: owners, execs, broadcasters, agents, and access merchants. That\u2019s why Matt Nagy just got another OC gig<\/a>. None of these people are actual standouts, they just fit into a mold that will never be broken.<\/p>\n

John:<\/p>\n

Hey I saw you post about your new favorite fake whiskey on Bluesky and I have to say that the people (me) cry out for fake booze rankings and commentary on the podcast or the site. Hope you\u2019re well.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t give you a hard ranking of N\/A liquors because I\u2019ve yet to try enough of them, and because BIG BUSINESS has caught onto the mocktail fad<\/a> and thus flooded the market with $15 four-packs of premade virgin cocktails that, in my experience, are usually fucking terrible. Then you gotta deal with all of the influencer-backed CBD\/THC\/mushroom drinks that are now out there. The amount of money I\u2019ve wasted trying some of this shit is almost equal to the money I\u2019ve saved by quitting alcohol to begin with. As a result, I trust only a few products, which I\u2019ll list for your pleasure right now:<\/p>\n

-Spiritless Kentucky 74<\/p>\n

-Ritual gin alternative<\/p>\n

-Tanqueray Zero (sold only in the UK)<\/p>\n

-Phony Negroni<\/p>\n

-Phony Mezcal Negroni<\/p>\n

-A Cut Above whiskey alternative<\/p>\n

-A Cut Above mezcal alternative<\/p>\n

-Tost<\/p>\n

-Tost sangria<\/p>\n

-Kin Spritz<\/p>\n

Kentucky 74 was first introduced to me by Dan McQuade. Later on, I tried the Cut Above whiskey and liked it so much that I texted Dan my rec, even though Dan had already given us the bad news about his illness. I don\u2019t know if he was allowed (or able) to imbibe in non-whiskey toward the end, but I figured he\u2019d appreciate the dopey text anyway. When you\u2019re in bad shape, you\u2019re happy for any text that isn\u2019t \u201cHow you holding up?\u201d<\/p>\n

Then I brought a bottle of the same shit to a friend of mine and she hated it. So don\u2019t assume my recs are bulletproof; not that you ever did.<\/p>\n

While we\u2019re talking non-alcoholic vices here, I have a confession to make: I have no idea how to buy good weed. As with N\/A beers, all of my regular cannabis purchases have come from trial and error. If I like a gummy brand, I stick with it. Ditto prerolls. But is any of that good shit, or do I need to buy flower exclusively? And how do I know which flower is good shit? All I have to go by is the packaging, the THC percentage, and the word of a dispensary clerk who\u2019s already higher than shit. There are no Wirecutter reviews for weed. I can take my chances with some stoner site called kushnkindness.com or whatever, but I have no fucking idea who\u2019s running those sites. Do legal dispensaries even HAVE good shit, or do you still have to get that from friend of a friend named Dirty Jim? I feel inadequate telling you all of this. I better go pop a gummy to get my confidence back up.<\/p>\n

Varun:<\/p>\n

I am a Broncos fan and it\u2019s been a very bizarre and unfulfilling end to a season. So much so that I\u2019m wondering if I should be happy that Denver lost a winnable game, to avoid being embarrassed in a boring Super Bowl. If the Pats get railroaded, at least it will be fun schadenfreude for everyone else. If Denver had gotten clobbered with a backup, it\u2019s just anti-climactic and maybe worse.<\/p>\n

No, you should be sad you lost the AFC title game. First of all, they easily could have won that game if Sean Payton had kicked a field goal in the first half instead of playing with his food on fourth down. Secondly, there\u2019s no guarantee at all you\u2019ll be back in the title game anytime soon, even if Bo Nix heals up properly. Thirdly, how do you know you wouldn\u2019t have beaten Seattle in the Super Bowl? Maybe THEIR QB would have busted his foot, or maybe Santa Clara would be struck with a megablizzard right in the middle of a tight third quarter, rendering the rest of the game unplayable. The last time the Broncos won a title, they did so with brilliant defense and shit quarterbacking. There\u2019s nothing that says they couldn\u2019t have done likewise this time around. Sports are unpredictable. Weird shit happens. So agonize, I tell you. AGONIZE. It beats trying to out-logic yourself into thinking that shitass loss was a secret blessing.<\/p>\n

HALFTIME!<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Michael:<\/p>\n

As a 37-year-old single man with an office job, I have realized that I haven’t actually touched another human in maybe a week. Unless it was accidental, I can’t think of the last time I actually touched somebody. Is that weird, or kind of normal now?\u00a0<\/p>\n

Normal got left out on the curb decades ago. The resting state of everything is \u201cFucked Up,\u201d which means that yes, you can easily go without physical contact for days on end. The tech sector would prefer that, actually. The more time you spend with other people, the less time you spend using their products. Weaning you off of reality is how the C-suite at Hooli can make their $500 billion market cap target for 2028. This is why we\u2019re all having AI forced on us. It\u2019s the near final stage of migrating all human interaction onto a server, where it can then be monetized.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re seeing the results of this effort playing out in real time across the country. Donald Trump rose to power by embracing lies and wagering that Americans would care more about un-reality than reality. Call it anti-socialism. Trump\u2019s wager has proven correct over the past decade, as more Americans have chosen to let their phones live their lives for them and allowed their analog social skills to steadily erode. You order Amazon instead of going to a brick and mortar store. You get your news from a feed instead of hearing from your neighbors about it. You order contactless delivery Seamless so that you don\u2019t have to deal with a pizza guy greeting you at the door. Life feels more convenient this way, but it\u2019s also worse. You become numb, so much so that going a week without touching another human feels almost like how things ought to be. It\u2019s just that easy to become a consumer automaton.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019ve hammered that point here before. What\u2019s different this time, though, is Minnesota. Citizens of that state have defied Trump in person, en masse. They\u2019re even going out of their way to organize off the main grid<\/a>, so that they can take ICE by surprise when they show up to protest. They\u2019re being social. ICE dorks, meanwhile, only know how to interact with tactical vests and selfie cameras. Whenever they encounter a real person, they short circuit. They\u2019re like WHAT IS THIS STRANGE ANIMAL COMING AT ME I BETTER SHOOT IT. The protestors\u2019 humanity has gained popularity while the goons\u2019 brainless anti-humanity has fostered widespread disgust, along with decisively negative poll numbers for Trump<\/a>.<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s not even warm outside right now. Wait till this summer, when the weather turns much friendlier to mass gatherings. Make sure you reach out and touch someone when the shit really starts to go down.<\/p>\n

Michael:<\/p>\n

How many fingers would you prefer to have? Is 10 the right amount, or would it be better to have more?\u00a0<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll have to reach out to Antonio Alfonseca<\/a> for a definitive answer on this matter. I doubt that man is like, \u201cI better amputate these two bonus fingers I got!\u201d Meanwhile, I have no desire to add (or subtract) digits from my own hand. My brain is wired to have ten fingers, just as Alfonseca\u2019s brain is wired to have a dozen. Instinct trumps preference.<\/p>\n

Also, Alfonseca\u2019s six-fingered hands are a genetic outlier for a reason. Humans evolved into being an exclusively five-fingered species. Ten fingers is all that nature wanted us to have, and all that we have come to need. [Frat bro voice] now if I had another dick, that\u2019d be a whole other ballgame, bro. I could satisfy two ladies at once! NICE.<\/p>\n

Shane:<\/p>\n

Last Tango In Paris: What are your thoughts about the film? Watched it today and shook me up.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve never watched it. For those who don\u2019t know, Last Tango is a 1972 movie that\u2019s now infamous for a rape scene<\/a> that was handled extremely poorly by lead actor Marlon Brando and director Bernardo Bertolucci. The movie got a shitload of rave reviews and was largely hailed as a classic. But I\u2019ve always hated rape scenes in movies, and I have no interest in seeing that one that borders on actual rape.<\/p>\n

Also, Last Tango scans as one of those depressing old auteur flicks about the existential implications of one man\u2019s unbridled horniness. I\u2019ve experienced other movies like this (Damage), and they\u2019re always a miserable experience. Take the \u201cthriller\u201d part out of \u201cerotic thriller\u201d and what are you left with? Some skeezy asshole crying about his dick. I don\u2019t have time for that shit. I\u2019d rather just watch a normal movie. Or porn.<\/p>\n

Adam:<\/p>\n

If you could join any celebrity’s\u00a0entourage, whose would you choose?\u00a0For my part, I think I’d do well in Action Bronson’s crew. They smoke weed, eat at fancy restaurants, smoke more weed, and watch TV. He seems to be one of those \u201cwhat you see is what you get\u201d kind of guys, so I think the risk of getting caught up in a major scandal is pretty limited.\u00a0Who are you gonna roll with?\u00a0<\/p>\n

Is Action Bronson still around, doing shit? I mostly remember him as the famous guy who\u2019d hang out at Vice offices to smoke weed. I\u2019ll take being a part of Adam Sandler\u2019s crew instead. I could chill out at nice places in LA, eat like a king, and get a supporting role in one of his Netflix movies like George Gets A Vasectomy if I ever need work. That\u2019s much more my speed.<\/p>\n

Greg:<\/p>\n

I see lots of Teslas, and even a few Cybertrucks, with those “WARNING STUDENT DRIVER” stickers on them.\u00a0This is ridiculous right? Shouldn’t they learn how to drive a real car? With brakes and buttons and stuff?\u00a0Who is worse here: the parents or the teens?<\/p>\n

The parents, because they\u2019re the ones who bought the car. Also, I don\u2019t blanch if I see a normal Tesla with one of those stickers on it. Tesla sedans are so commonplace in this country that they count as normal cars to me, even if Elon Musk is a Nazi asshat. Cybertrucks are a different matter, because they don\u2019t always work<\/a>. You should learn how to drive a car that works, and also one that has a physical gearshift instead of one on a touchscreen. Of all the things I disliked about test-driving a Cybertruck, the touchscreen gearshift was easily the one I disliked the most. And my own car doesn\u2019t even have a stick gearshift! It\u2019s just a button console, but I still trust it more than I do a screen. Also, pushing buttons is fun.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m the main driver\u2019s ed instructor in my family, and I\u2019ve been vigilant about making sure our kids know how to drive every kind of car. That\u2019s not easy when every new car includes an automatic transmission, rear cameras, crash alerts, auto lights, GPS navigation, and all kinds of other shit that absolves the person behind the wheel from doing much of the actual driving. I\u2019m fine with all of those bells and whistles, but I need to make sure my kids can work a car that doesn\u2019t have them. They gotta know how to look over their shoulder before merging, work a manual gearshift, and use a rearview mirror while in Reverse. I don\u2019t want them getting some rental car and finding themselves flummoxed by the inner workings of a 2018 Ford Taurus. Teaching kids to drive also means teaching them about cars. Except stick shift cars; I don\u2019t know how to drive one of those.<\/p>\n

Nick:<\/p>\n

Am I nuts or is Tom Brady actually getting pretty good in the booth lately?\u00a0Obviously he was pretty lucky to get the best game of the playoffs while Romo was saying “oh geez” every 30 seconds because he was stuck with Stidham.\u00a0But I can’t help but notice that Brady has stopped doing the things that annoyed me so much about him last year. He’s not repeating the same words over and over again, his speech appears way more natural, and he’s actually kind of… personable?<\/p>\n

Well let\u2019s no go nuts on the \u201cpersonable\u201d thing. He\u2019s still Tom Brady, not a flesh-and-blood human. But yeah, he\u2019s wildly better as a color guy than he was a season ago. I remember he was in a two-shot with Kevin Burkhardt during a playoff game and he showed the audience how a QB has to aim a football in the wind\u2014nose down\u2014to keep it from sailing thirty feet in the air. That was a cool detail; the kind of shit that good color guys relay to the audience quickly and clearly. Brady is giving me more of those details this year, which is a vast improvement from when he was basically unable to talk on camera. Our little boy is all grows up now! So proud of him.<\/p>\n

Greg Olsen is still way better, though.<\/p>\n

Email of the week!<\/p>\n

Aaron:<\/p>\n

Dan wrote a\u00a0tremendous post<\/a>\u00a0about Trent Green in the Chiefs Hallmark movie. I sent Dan an email about how I’d filmed with Trent for a local nonprofit fundraiser, which\u00a0yielded\u00a0a blooper that became a little meme at my office. It’s a very short clip of Trent saying, “Thank you Aaron!… no.” which gets posted whenever I do something for someone. Dan said, “An excellent video. Thanks\u00a0for sharing it as well. If someone named Aaron is ever at my house, I’m showing it to him.” I don’t know if he ever got to show it to another Aaron, but maybe someone else can.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Sorry for your loss, he was an incredible writer and an even better person.\u00a0<\/p>\n

He sure was. Love you, Dan.<\/p>\n

Recommended\"TV<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":447097,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[63],"tags":[349,99],"class_list":["post-447096","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-nfl","tag-nfl","tag-sports"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/447096","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=447096"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/447096\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/447097"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=447096"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=447096"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=447096"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}