Southern Charm<\/a><\/p>\nEven Farther South<\/p>\n
\n Season 11<\/p>\n
Episode 12\n <\/p>\n
\n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n
2 stars<\/p>\n
**\n <\/p>\n
\n Salley is in a prison of her own devising.
\n Photo: Bravo\n <\/p>\n
First, a big congratulations to Madison and Brett on the birth of their daughter, Teddi. It couldn\u2019t have happened to a nicer couple. Brett is just how I like my spouses of Bravolebrities: quiet, out of the action, and stupidly hot. Madison, of course, is the special sauce that brings this whole group together, bridging the drama of the boys with the drama of the girls. Too bad the baby came early and she missed the cast trip because now that bridge is entirely Rodrigo\u2019s responsibility. Don\u2019t get me wrong, he\u2019s excellent at it (and I much prefer looking at him shirtless), but it\u2019s always more fun when these two devils have each other to play with. Now that Madison\u2019s gone, there\u2019s just no one else working on Rodrigo\u2019s level of bitchy comments and perfect reactions.<\/p>\n
Well, Molly could be close, but she doesn\u2019t want to carry the bones, as it were, as much as Mad and Rod always want to. She sure can sing, though. Her \u201copen mic\u201d concert was so sweet and she sounded much better than many of the other people we\u2019ve seen sing on this here basic cable channel (and the next day on Peacock). I would say she\u2019s a little bit worse than Candiace Dillard Bassett, but drastically better than Kim Zolciak-Biermann, Scheana Shay, Countess Luann, Danielle Staub, Simon Van Kempen, Gretchen Christine Beaut\u00e9, and LOCK, the Ladies of Rock.<\/p>\n
Most of the episode, however, is about the cast\u2019s trip to Puerto Vallarta, and I swear if they don\u2019t even make a stop at Andale\u2019s, I am going to riot. And what happened on the cast trip? Mostly Salley airing her extra E and all of the grievances she has against Charley. It starts when they\u2019re back in Charleston, and Salley asks why Charley didn\u2019t go to Molly\u2019s concert. She says it\u2019s because she was out to drinks with Craig. Charley may have come straight from a colonic, but sadly, that didn\u2019t flush out all of the bullshit that Salley was about to serve up. Salley says that she feels that Charley is hiding things from her and that is a \u201cslap in the face to their friendship.\u201d Salley says that Charley used to tell her everything about boys, but now is silent about Craig, and she doesn\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n
Ah dooooyyyy, Salley. What is not to get? Salley shot her shot with Craig and missed worse than a drunk frat boy trying to keep his stream from hitting his Air Force Ones. Then she talked all this shit about Craig and told Charley that she should avoid him. Why would she talk to Salley about Craig? What\u2019s even worse is that Salley thinks that Craig is telling Charley not to say anything to her and that Craig is so calculated. Craig is a lot of things \u2014\u00a0a liar, a fastidious beekeeper, a conspiracy theory truther, a fake lawyer, an excellent groomer, a temper tantrum thrower \u2014\u00a0but one thing he is not is intuitive enough to tell Charley not to tell Salley. In Mexico, he says that he never wants to be a source of conflict between the girls. I don\u2019t entirely believe that, but his intentions are at least good. Also, he doesn\u2019t care enough about Salley to go to those lengths to keep info from her. This is Charley self-censoring. This is Charley wanting to spare herself from hearing from her best friend how shitty the boys she\u2019s excited about getting to know are.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s annoying is that this is a prison of Salley\u2019s own devising. She poured the concrete floor, she set the bars into it, she welded all the bars together being very careful to leave a space big enough for a tray of food, she selected the metal toilet. Each time she talked shit about Craig to Charley she aided in her little jail cell construction and it\u2019s frustrating that she doesn\u2019t see that. When they\u2019re in Mexico, Charley makes this explicit. Salley says, \u201cBest friends warning each other about certain situations. That\u2019s all I\u2019m doing.\u201d And Charley responds that is exactly the reason she doesn\u2019t bring it up, because she\u2019s enjoying what is happening with Craig and she doesn\u2019t want to be tainted by Salley\u2019s opinion.<\/p>\n
There are a few things about this that infuriate me. First, I have to point out once again that this is exactly what Venita was doing with Salley at the beginning of the season, and Salley can\u2019t see these parallels at all. She can\u2019t see how she wanted the space from Venita that Charley is now asking for from her. Salley, however, can\u2019t see anything but her own hurt and can\u2019t be happy for her friend that she found something resembling happiness, or at least horniness. (Aren\u2019t they often the same thing?)<\/p>\n
The next point of anger is when the girls fight. Rodrigo is sitting by the pool, and Rod says that none of the guys should be trusted for information. He asks Salley if Craig lies. This is the easiest pop quiz I have ever seen. This is easier than the $100 question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? It\u2019s basically like Regis Philbin (RIP) just asked, \u201cIn the musical Annie, she sings the famous lyric, \u2018The sun will come out [blank].\u2019 Is it: A. Tomorrow, B. 2 Live Crew, C. Toucan Sam, or D. 2 Broke Girls.\u201d But Sally can\u2019t just say, \u201cA. Tomorrow. Final answer.\u201d She hems and haws and doesn\u2019t say anything and makes it into a scene. When pressed, she says that she\u2019s not supposed to disparage Craig. Ugh, that is missing the point entirely. Yes, she\u2019s not supposed to disparage Craig, but not like this. Why can\u2019t she just be normal? It\u2019s like she\u2019s drawing more attention to the fact that Craig is a liar (something that already draws more attention than Whitney wearing jeans to the pool) by pretending like she doesn\u2019t have anything bad to say about the man.<\/p>\n
What really infuriates me about that moment, however, is that Rod\u2019s comment was kicked off by Salley talking about her connection with Austen. Yes, she\u2019s still upset about what happened with Craig, but she\u2019s throwing herself at Austen like he\u2019s a wall and she\u2019s a piece of spaghetti, and she doesn\u2019t know if she\u2019s cooked or not. (She\u2019s cooked. She\u2019s fully cooked.) The English have a great expression for what Salley is doing. They call it \u201cFactor 50,\u201d like sunblock with SPF 50; it\u2019s so thick that no matter how much you rub it in, you can still see it from 50 paces away. Austen says that he doesn\u2019t mind it, that it\u2019s kind of nice to have someone just so outwardly flirting with him. My problem is that it\u2019s just so clumsy. It\u2019s just that every single thing leads to the lamest, most obvious answer. There\u2019s no charm, mystery, or wit to it. It\u2019s just a bunch of single entendres. Charley asks what bed she wants, and she says, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter, I\u2019m not sleeping here.\u201d Austen jokes about undoing a button, and she says, \u201cJust take your shirt off.\u201d Austen asks if he can get a drink, and she says, \u201cCan you drink my vagina?\u201d No, she didn\u2019t. But she would!<\/p>\n
Luckily, the episode ends not with Salley but with Craig going after Venita. Shep says they should play a game. I\u2019m sorry, but if they\u2019re playing \u201cWho At This Table Do You Trust the Least?\u201d then I am not interested. Shep\u2019s game is like coming up with New Year\u2019s resolutions for the person sitting next to you. Venita says that she wishes that Austen would stand up for himself more. She keeps it vague, but both Whitner and Craig know that it is directed at the other end of the table and squarely at Craig. He rebuts that Venita doesn\u2019t know anything about their relationship, which he assumes because he never talks to her. What he doesn\u2019t know is that she hears all about it from Austen when he calls to bitch to her. She knows at least one side of that relationship, and that\u2019s why she is advising Austen against Craig. Venita is right. If you just listened to Craig talk about the guy, you would think that he hated them. Then Craig says, \u201cVenita, you don\u2019t exist in my world, so just fuck off.\u201d Then, as they\u2019re sitting on the verandah of Elizabeth Taylor\u2019s old house, lightning flashes and thunder claps. Everyone is startled to attention, and when they look over at Craig\u2019s chair, they find that there is nothing left but a pile of bony ash on top of a pair of the ugliest suede moccasins you ever did see.<\/p>\n
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