{"id":484447,"date":"2026-02-22T20:54:09","date_gmt":"2026-02-22T20:54:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/484447\/"},"modified":"2026-02-22T20:54:09","modified_gmt":"2026-02-22T20:54:09","slug":"i-reminded-my-husband-of-our-long-time-agreement-his-reaction-isnt-fair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/484447\/","title":{"rendered":"I reminded my husband of our long-time agreement. His reaction isn’t fair."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a woman, and I have been with my husband for 18 years. He is 22 years older than me. When we met, I was still recovering from a nasty divorce where my ex repeatedly cheated on me. After much thought, I rejected monogamy. My (now) husband was fine with having an open relationship. For the first 10 years, we had fun as swingers.<\/p>\n

My husband has been at an age for about 10 years now where things don\u2019t \u201cwork\u201d anymore. We\u2019ve been to multiple specialists and tried many remedies, to no avail. Several months ago, I realized it had been four years since we were last intimate. Before that, it had been five years. I\u2019m still fairly young and have a sex drive. When I mentioned going outside of our marriage, he got very upset. I reminded him that being open has always been a condition of our relationship. He just asked that I not brag to him about it. I told him that I wouldn\u2019t lie, but wouldn\u2019t be nasty about it. I told him that if he asked questions, I would tell him the entire truth.<\/p>\n

I finally had the opportunity to have my needs fulfilled, discreetly and safely, and am looking forward to more. Honestly, I felt like a new woman afterward and have been a better partner since. However, when my husband found something that made him suspect, he acted sad, but didn\u2019t ask.<\/p>\n

I sympathize that no longer being able to satisfy his wife itmust be difficult. But this is biology. My husband is still my love and my heart. I am completely devoted to him in every other way. I don\u2019t want to feel guilty about something we had long agreed upon and practiced. But I don\u2019t want to \u201csneak around.\u201d Should I just tell him I\u2019ve already had an interlude?<\/p>\n

\u2014Turned On and Baffled<\/p>\n

Dear Turned On and Baffled,<\/p>\n

I would seek more clarity first. What did your husband mean, exactly, when he asked you not to \u201cbrag\u201d about your extracurriculars? \u201cBrag\u201d is too open to interpretation. He could receive any discussion of sex outside of your marriage as bragging. Or maybe he means detailed descriptions, especially as they pertain to your pleasure. You should straight-up ask him how much information he wants. Does he want to know when you are out having sex, or would he prefer that to be ambiguous? In other words, would it be easier for him if you had a don\u2019t-ask-don\u2019t-tell arrangement?<\/p>\n

You should do your best to cater to his sensitivity here. You are getting to have outside sex, which you know he isn\u2019t thrilled about. However, he hasn\u2019t made any serious attempt to stop you (yet?). He\u2019s bending, so you should compromise with him and navigate this delicately. An explicit agreement can help with that. But also, be open to that arrangement needing to change, as experience dictates. What feels tolerable today may not be so tomorrow. So you can ask him directly, \u201cWhat and how much do you want to know?\u201d You can ask him if he wants to know if you\u2019ve already had outside sex. He may, in fact, want you to \u201csneak around.\u201d You shouldn\u2019t do anything you are morally against (like lying), but if he wants discretion and you want to keep getting outside dick, respecting his wishes is going to facilitate that most peacefully.<\/p>\n

And just a note for him: Make sure he\u2019s exhausted all options before giving up. If he hasn\u2019t tried Trimix, an injectable drug for erectile dysfunction with high efficacy<\/a>, he should. There are also penile implants<\/a> that can effectively create erections on demand. These require surgery, of course, and are typically used when other treatments fail. But it might be worth looking into if he hasn\u2019t already.<\/p>\n

And a P.P.S. for both of you: There is sex beyond penetration. Whether you are interested in it is another matter, of course. You may only want PIV sex, in which case you can ignore this coda. But if you\u2019re interested in sex with your husband that doesn\u2019t require his penis to be hard, there is plenty to explore\u2014there\u2019s oral and manual, there are toys, there\u2019s BDSM and role play. There\u2019s a whole world of experimenting to be done that exists irrespective of erections\u2014and it might help ease his sadness about not being able to satisfy you anymore, as you put it.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a transmasc enby, primarily he\/him, and have been on testosterone for nine years as of early this month. I also have an autoimmune condition that means injections are extremely painful, and my T levels were fluctuating pretty madly while on the shots, so as soon as financially feasible (insurance, of course, won\u2019t cover it), I switched to the gel.<\/p>\n

The thing is, despite far more stable T levels and a perfectly working libido, I can\u2019t seem to orgasm anymore, nor does masturbation give me much of a sense of pleasure. No matter what I try, none of it gets more than maybe a mild \u201cnice.\u201d\u00a0There are no trans-friendly OB-GYNS I can speak to (I\u2019m in a very anti-trans location), and my primary doctor doesn\u2019t have the experience in this area to help. Everything that worked before\u2019s just not doing a thing for me now! What should I do?<\/p>\n

\u2014Not Coming, Just Going<\/p>\n

Dear Not Coming, Just Going,<\/p>\n

I ran your question by\u00a0Damon Constantinides<\/a>, a queer and trans sex therapist and coach (@dr.damonc on Instagram<\/a> and TikTok<\/a>), and he hadn\u2019t previously heard of such an issue when switching from injectable T to the gel. Also, testosterone doesn\u2019t typically affect orgasm\u2014certainly not over libido. So this is curious.<\/p>\n

One thing to be sure of is that there isn\u2019t another potential intervening factor. \u201cWhen I\u2019m working with people about an inability to orgasm, it\u2019s usually not physiological, and if it feels physiological, it\u2019s usually connected to antidepressants,\u201d Constantinides said in a Zoom. \u201cI would make sure this person hasn\u2019t started any other new medications since he switched the testosterone.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak
\n I\u2019m a Woman in My Late-50s. I Can\u2019t Believe What These Young, Hot Men Want From Me.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

You might also take this opportunity to venture out with your stimulation. Constantinides told me that he\u2019s had sensitive conversations with trans men about experimenting with vibrators and penetration\u2014sensitive because those toys can be non-affirming. The idea is for this stuff to be fun and comfortable so that you could potentially orgasm, not be distracted by dysphoric feelings. You could check out the toys that Transthetics<\/a> sells (that\u2019s a company for and by trans people). Another idea: a clitoral suction vibrator<\/a>, which, according to Constantinides, \u201cfits a trans dick way better than it does female genitalia without testosterone.\u201d He added: \u201cFor some people, that is very affirming, because it is a toy that seems like it\u2019s made more for a trans body.\u201d<\/p>\n

You might also want to crowdsource this within your community (or via a community like Reddit, where on r\/ftm, people have discussed difficulties with orgasm while on T<\/a>). Unfortunately, trans-affirming doctors are harder and harder to come by with the pressure that the Trump administration has put on care providers<\/a>. There\u2019s not a lot of data to pick from or research being conducted. In this climate, trans people\u2019s biggest allies are other trans people. As Constantinides explained: \u201cI learned about long-term effects of testosterone, not from my provider, not from any of these books that I\u2019ve read, but from being in a room with like 50 other trans men who were like, \u2018Oh, yeah, that happened to me after 20 years on testosterone too.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Have Feedback for How to Do It?<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 30-year-old man, and I have recently started going to the gym after pretty much never having worked out in my life. I\u2019m doing a weight-lifting and cardio plan now, and it\u2019s been really great. It\u2019s got me feeling great about myself and has generally just given me more overall motivation.<\/p>\n

One side effect I was not expecting was how horny I am all the time now. Before, I was on the average side of things, but I suddenly feel like a teenager again. It\u2019s been fun, but also confusing for my girlfriend and me. She definitely does not have the libido to keep up with this newfound energy, and I don\u2019t expect her to. Is this a thing? Where do I put all this energy if I\u2019m not having sex multiple times a day with my girlfriend (we definitely don\u2019t have the time for that)?<\/p>\n

\u2014Blessing and a Curse<\/p>\n

Dear Blessing and a Curse,<\/p>\n


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Help! I\u2019ve Kept My Distance From My Melodramatic Sister-in-Law. But She Just Sucked Me Back in With a Wild Accusation.
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My Ex Gave Our Boys Burner Phones for a Nefarious Reason. This Is Not \u201cHarmless Fun.\u201d
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Definitely a thing, at least anecdotally. Much<\/a> has been written<\/a> about post<\/a>–gym<\/a> horniness<\/a>. Generally, when this is discussed, it\u2019s in the context of right after the gym when testosterone levels are temporarily elevated<\/a>. That can affect libido. Of course, there\u2019s much more at work than just testosterone\u2014there\u2019s endorphins, dopamine\/serotonin, and the energy that exercise can give you. Overall, working out can help decrease your body fat and boost your confidence. Some studies have suggested that men who are active have higher T levels<\/a> than those who are sedentary. It makes sense that you\u2019re hornier overall.<\/p>\n

Now, what to do with it? Letting the horniness simmer can make sex more exciting and explosive when it actually happens. You might just carry it around with you\u2014enjoy it while you have it, because no one is promised a libido tomorrow. Mindfulness\u2014here, that might mean intentionally acknowledging your skyrocketing libido but telling yourself that you\u2019re only going to relieve it in the company of your girlfriend\u2014might be a good way to practice self-control. Though surely, you realize that you don\u2019t have to get off only in the company of your girlfriend, right? You can jerk off more. Get into toys like Fleshlights or strokers. Experiment with varying forms of stimulation and different ways of keeping yourself turned on. Now\u2019s the time to explore various kinds of porn. Cultivate and\/or enhance your sexual relationship with yourself.<\/p>\n

\u2014Rich<\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

When I was very pregnant with our second child, my husband Luke told me that he wanted to open our relationship by adding a third person. While Luke and I had dated casually at first, we\u2019ve been committed and monogamous for over eight years, so it was a huge and upsetting surprise. I struggle with anxiety and jealousy normally, so it took a lot of effort and learning (part of it thanks to this column) to be open to it. I asked Luke to wait until six months postpartum before we had a serious discussion of pursuing it, but told him that we could incorporate it into sexy talk in the meantime to scratch his itch together.<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n