{"id":507380,"date":"2026-03-06T14:21:09","date_gmt":"2026-03-06T14:21:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/507380\/"},"modified":"2026-03-06T14:21:09","modified_gmt":"2026-03-06T14:21:09","slug":"my-parents-have-a-sexist-estate-plan-they-asked-me-what-i-thought-of-it-but-hated-my-honest-answer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/507380\/","title":{"rendered":"My parents have a sexist estate plan. They asked me what I thought of it, but hated my honest answer."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers.\u00a0Submit your own questions about money here<\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)\u00a0<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

My parents are very patriarchal. My brother, the eldest, got more attention, resources, money, support, etc. over me, the daughter. My brother went to expensive private schools, landed a lucrative career, and married a wealthy woman with an identical background. He wouldn\u2019t have such success otherwise. My brother\u2019s marriage merges his wealth with my SIL\u2019s multi-generational and personal wealth, which doesn\u2019t come close to the self-made money my husband and I have.<\/p>\n

My parents planned to leave their entire estate to my brother, trusting him to distribute money to me as he saw fit. Recently, my parents admitted the disparate treatment didn\u2019t look great so they asked me how they should make it up. They\u2019re worried the sibling relationship will continue to deteriorate after they die. I suggested they take a set amount of money (no more than 30% of the estate), give it to my brother, and leave the rest to me.<\/p>\n

My parents and brother were furious, calling me selfish. I got an ironic lecture about being fair. I don\u2019t understand why my parents asked me to provide input and then got mad. Am I being bratty here?<\/p>\n

\u2014Take It All Just Leave Me Alone<\/p>\n

Dear Take It All,<\/p>\n

Your parents and brother shouldn\u2019t be angry at you for expressing an opinion they solicited, and it sounds like they\u2019re more worked up over the fact that you think your brother should inherit less. I generally think it puts a lot of strain on family relationships if parents try to compensate for disparate outcomes for their children by distributing inheritances unequally, but there are sometimes reasons to do it that outweigh that risk. It\u2019s clear from their reaction to your suggestion that it probably would not help your sibling relationship if they chose to take your advice. (Though, leaving the inheritance up to your brother\u2019s decisions also wouldn\u2019t help your relationship. They should be aiming for an even split, that isn\u2019t dependent on your brother\u2019s good will.)<\/p>\n

You need to decide what that risk means to you. If you manage to guilt your parents into a 30\/70 split and it ruins your relationship with your brother, would that be worth it? It would be nice if your brother just agreed with you that you should get more to compensate for the disparities but he obviously doesn\u2019t. So, I think you can anticipate the consequences of that actually happening.<\/p>\n

Personally, I wouldn\u2019t compare your situation to your brother\u2019s. No good can come of that. Even if you were in a similar financial situation, that sort of scorekeeping is unhealthy for all parties. If you feel that your parents paid more attention to your brother growing up, demanding more of the inheritance is not going to make that resentment go away. So, is it worth the 20 percent more you\u2019re asking for? Only you can decide (assuming you get your parents on board), but potential family acrimony is something that\u2019s hard to quantify. It may end up costing you more than that 20 percent.<\/p>\n

\u2014Elizabeth Spiers<\/p>\n

From: I Just Sold My Business For A Boatload Of Money, But My Family Still Thinks I\u2019m A Lazy Leech<\/a>. (September 9th, 2022).<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 40-year-old woman who\u2019s been a lifelong worker and saver. I\u2019ve amassed over $600,000 net worth between a condo, retirement accounts, brokerage, and savings accounts with no debts other than a mortgage that\u2019s less than $90,000, which is no small feat given that I\u2019ve mainly worked in the non-profit sector. I\u2019ve always felt it\u2019s important for me to build my own wealth and started investing when I was in high school.
My 49-year-old fianc\u00e9, whom I love dearly, is divorced with a 9-year-old with whom he has 50\/50 custody. His net worth, mainly through retirement, is less than a third of mine and he makes a third of the amount of money I do. He rents his place and to his credit has no debt.<\/p>\n

We\u2019d like to buy a home together. From the sale of my property, plus some savings, I\u2019d be able to put down $150,000. He\u2019d be able to put down $25,000. My question is two-fold: 1) How do I protect my investment? I love my fianc\u00e9, but it\u2019s important to me to protect the money that I\u2019ve worked hard for. 2) How do we divide household expenses? I make $110,000 and he makes $80,000 but has a son 50 percent of the time. Is it fair to split bills two-thirds me and one-third him based on our salaries or 50\/50 since he has a son (and dog!) who has his own room and household needs?<\/p>\n

\u2014Fair and Independent?<\/p>\n

Dear Fair and Independent,<\/p>\n

There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect the wealth you\u2019ve accumulated before marrying your fianc\u00e9. I highly recommend adding a prenup to your list if you haven\u2019t already. A prenuptial agreement can help protect the assets you bring into the marriage, including your retirement. Some people may say that this is assuming the worst of your partner but guess what? Grief during a divorce can also bring out the worst in someone and by having a prenup in place, you can avoid a lot of headaches during a tumultuous time. (And of course, having a prenup doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ll get divorced!)<\/p>\n

In regards to purchasing a new home together, a way to protect your investment is to file a\u00a0tenant in common deed<\/a>. A tenancy in common allows you to own the home in unequal shares to reflect the difference in your down payments. So, for example, if you were to put down the $150,000 and he puts down $25,000, you\u2019ll together be putting down $175,000. Since $25,000 is a little over 14 percent of the $175,000, you can say he owns 14 percent of the property while you own the remaining 86 percent. Every state is different, so you\u2019ll want to ensure everything is documented to reflect the homeownership percentages legally.<\/p>\n

Splitting household expenses<\/a>\u00a0month to month can be trickier since those fluctuate. If you combine your income total, you make about 60 percent, and he makes about 40 percent. You could split the bills based on this percentage, and anything kid or dog related can be on him. But before you move in together, I\u2019d ask what he considers fair when paying for expenses related to his child. I have friends who pay for items their stepchildren need because, to them, they came as a package deal. I also have friends that are hands-off financially when it comes to their stepkids. Make sure you have this discussion because you\u2019ll want to be on the same page.<\/p>\n

\u2014Athena Valentine<\/p>\n

From: My Mom Makes Her Shopping Addiction Everyone Else\u2019s Problem<\/a>. (October 5th, 2022).<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

I would like some advice on how to deal with some resentment toward my current college roommate, \u201cSarah.\u201d We\u2019ve been renting together for almost four months now, and she moved in two months ago. I also have a third roommate, \u201cRupal,\u201d who\u2019s a great friend.<\/p>\n

Over the summer, as I was the only one living here, I was naturally running around to pick up some household stuff we were missing (weird-sized shower curtains! a coffeemaker! etc.). I let the other two know the cost and divided it by three, with the clear expectation that they would Venmo me. Sarah, who\u2019s generally broke, just never did, not even when she moved in. So, eventually, I texted her to let her know that I\u2019d be requesting her share on Venmo and she could pay me whenever. I\u2019m not frustrated that it took her a few months to come up with the money, but I am frustrated that she just never said anything at all about paying me back.<\/p>\n

Rupal and I each handle paying some of the bills and utilities, then Venmo request the other two people for their split of the money. Sarah always responds by telling us when, in the future, she\u2019ll pay us back, usually in a matter of weeks. I paid for the shared communal groceries this week and told Sarah and Rupal to let me know what items they would use, so I could Venmo request everybody\u2019s share. Sarah is just kind of ignoring that.<\/p>\n

I understand that she is working a lot and trying to make rent, and I remind myself all the time to be patient and helpful, especially since I\u2019m privileged enough to have my mom paying my rent, savings from a summer job, and a great part-time job currently. But Sarah seems to avoid thinking about how her brokeness is actually affecting her roommates. I literally have no idea what Sarah\u2019s plan would be if I couldn\u2019t spot her the money\u2014she\u2019s just assumed that I can. And while that\u2019s true, it\u2019s very stressful for me, because I\u2019m always anxious about my savings.<\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t feel to me as if Sarah can actually afford to live here\u2014 I\u2019m essentially subsidizing her each month. I think it was messed up to move in when Sarah was likely well aware of whether or not she could really afford it, and then to just never mention once how Rupal and I would have to constantly pay for her and wait to get paid back. So, although Sarah is nice and pleasant, now I resent her and don\u2019t have a lot of respect for her, just for the way she\u2019s gone about handling things. Sarah is very avoidant of conflict and has a lot of anxiety, and when you bring minor things up with her, she tends to spiral. Help!<\/p>\n

\u201419-Year-Old Adoptive Mom of a 22-Year-Old<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Nicole Cliffe and Carvell Wallace
\n I Invited My Neighbor Over for a Glass of Wine. Big Mistake.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear 19 Year Old,<\/p>\n

I think you need to step back and think about what it means to be broke and why people struggle financially, which by your own admission, you\u2019ve never had to do. I also want you to put yourself in Sarah\u2019s shoes for a minute. She moves in and the first thing you do is charge her for items you think the apartment needs but she did not agree to buy. That\u2019s not OK, to begin with, even if all of your friends are independently wealthy. You can\u2019t make financial decisions for other people without their input, and choosing what to spend money on for your apartment is that kind of decision. If you want help from your roommates for household items, you need to have a conversation with them about what you need to get and what you expect to spend, and most importantly, they need them to agree to it. There are a lot of things I wanted in my early 20s for my living space that I held off on buying because I knew I had to save money. You say you understand that Sarah is trying to do that, yet you don\u2019t, or you\u2019d have given her some agency in the apartment spending.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I Was Born With a Special Trait That\u2019s Been a Cheat Code to Life. But It\u2019s Stopped Working, and I\u2019m Freaking Out.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Cheapskate Mother-in-Law Is Imposing Her Disgusting Habit on My Home. I\u2019m Losing It.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

Secondly, you\u2019re not being patient or helpful. You acknowledge that she\u2019s having trouble making rent and working a lot and your biggest concern is that she\u2019s not thinking about how her financial struggles affect you\u2014and it\u2019s been only four months. It\u2019s probably true that your anxieties are not her top priority, because if she\u2019s having trouble making rent, she\u2019s also having trouble paying for other necessities like food and health insurance. You have savings and a financially supportive family, and are likely not skipping meals or worried about having to do that. Your anxiety about money is probably nowhere near what hers is right now, and unsurprisingly, people do tend to react badly when well-off people who don\u2019t understand why they financially struggle accuse them of acting irresponsibly. Financial problems are not de facto evidence of irresponsibility anymore than you not struggling because your parents are helping you is indicative of you being more responsible than the average person. You didn\u2019t earn your family\u2019s help, and I doubt Sarah earned her lack of a safety net.<\/p>\n

If the uncertainty of whether Sarah will be a stable roommate is too much for you, then yes, you both need a new living situation. You don\u2019t want the anxiety and she doesn\u2019t deserve your presumptions and judgment. A lot of people with no parental support struggle at 22. So you need to come to some agreement about how long her lease will last going forward, and if you really do want to be helpful, you can help her find a cheaper place.<\/p>\n

You also need to learn more about why people often can\u2019t make ends meet. I\u2019d recommend Barbara Ehrenreich\u2019s brilliant book\u00a0Nickled and Dimed<\/a>, for starters. You have some naivety about these matters because you\u2019re 19, but you\u2019re also using a tone that makes me think you believe your financial security is something you\u2019re earned because you\u2019re more mature, and I believe you need to examine that\u2014not for Sarah\u2019s sake, but for your own.<\/p>\n

\u2014E.S.<\/p>\n

From: I Have A Few Years Left To Live. Why Can\u2019t I Blow All My Savings Living It Up?<\/a> (October 11th, 2022).<\/p>\n

Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

My girlfriend of 10 months and I have pretty different upbringings: She has rich, divorced parents; an elderly aunt raised me. I never gave our backgrounds much thought until recently, but I have noticed a pattern. Several times when my girlfriend has fallen behind on her obligations, she will call up her mother or father and get them to send her money. The first time it was a car repair bill, which seemed reasonable.\u00a0But then it was the musical festival, the out-of-town concert, and then a huge shopping trip.<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":507381,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[39],"tags":[3005,28,3006,147,530],"class_list":{"0":"post-507380","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-business","10":"tag-family","11":"tag-personal-finance","12":"tag-personalfinance"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/507380","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=507380"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/507380\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/507381"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=507380"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=507380"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=507380"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}