{"id":507516,"date":"2026-03-06T16:01:09","date_gmt":"2026-03-06T16:01:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/507516\/"},"modified":"2026-03-06T16:01:09","modified_gmt":"2026-03-06T16:01:09","slug":"i-cant-stop-dumping-people-people-hate-the-reason-why","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/507516\/","title":{"rendered":"I can\u2019t stop dumping people. People hate the reason why."},"content":{"rendered":"

This is part of\u00a0Breakup Week<\/a>. We just can\u2019t do this anymore. <\/p>\n

Therapy speak<\/a> is everywhere these days, but it has also given us some helpful new categories to consider during dating that may prove more useful than astrology: attachment styles<\/a>. Think of these as people\u2019s emotional profiles, which might help explain why they exhibit certain behaviors during relationships and why, if you have a different attachment style, those behaviors might irk you so much. There are four main types<\/a>\u2014secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized\u2014but only one of these has given rise to a popular term that describes what it\u2019s like to go through a breakup with that person: the avoidant discard<\/a>.<\/p>\n

An avoidant discard is similar to ghosting, but it\u2019s typically more drawn out. The avoidant might not go radio silent all at once\u2014instead, they may slowly pull back emotionally and physically over time, perhaps by suddenly taking much longer to respond to messages or schedule dates. You can start to feel crazy wondering why someone has suddenly gone cold with you, leading to a unique form of confusing psychological torture. The relationship doesn\u2019t just end\u2014it\u2019s slowly starved, before finally dissolving into a husk. On social media, where avoidant discards are a frequent topic of angry and emotional videos, avoidant discards have been called \u201ca highly traumatic experience<\/a>\u201d and \u201cthe most evil thing you can do<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

To get a sense of how and why avoidants end relationships in this manner, I tracked down someone who self-identifies as one: Lexi, a 26-year-old woman who lives in the U.K. She\u2019s previously answered some questions from users on Reddit<\/a> about being an avoidant, but I wanted to go deeper. Lexi and I spoke about why she tends to pull back in relationships, what effect this tends to have on the guys she dates, and why, for the most part, she doesn\u2019t feel guilty about any of this. Our conversation has been condensed and edited for clarity.<\/p>\n

David Mack: It\u2019s easy to find people online who are happy to label their exes as avoidant discarders. It\u2019s much harder to find someone who gives themself that label. How did you come to see yourself this way? <\/p>\n

Lexi: Throughout my life, I\u2019ve been very self-aware. I like to know the reason why I am the way I am. I first came into contact with attachment styles when I went through a breakup myself. I was trying to figure out the other person, but then was like, Wait, I think that\u2019s me. I went down a rabbit hole, and learned that it\u2019s more common for men to be avoidants, rather than women, who tend to be more anxious. But then I started doing therapy, and my therapist agreed it was probably the case that I\u2019m an avoidant. Through my constant relationships\u2014new situations, new people\u2014my therapist saw a pattern of behavior.<\/p>\n

How many breakups\/discards have you been through in the last few years?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a hard question, because none of them have really been official \u201cbreakups,\u201d but I\u2019d say I\u2019ve dated\u2014and ended things with\u2014around 15 to 18 guys.<\/p>\n

Tell me about your relationship history. It sounds like one, in particular, was key to unlocking this identity for yourself. <\/p>\n

My first relationship was when I was 16, and it ended when I first went to university at 18. He had a job that took him up and down the country all the time. And he lived in Wales, whereas I\u2019m an hour away in England, so it was a very text-based relationship. I went from being very anxious to the opposite. I wouldn\u2019t say he was an avoidant, but we were both comfortable in the arrangement because we knew that we had so much trust for our love together. It went from me being, \u201cI want to see you all the time. I want to text you,\u201d to me being like, \u201cI\u2019m actually quite busy. I\u2019ll talk to you in an hour, or three hours, or a day.\u201d I became really comfortable with it. If I didn\u2019t hear from him for six or eight hours, it wouldn\u2019t bother me. That\u2019s when I developed this thinking of, I don\u2019t need to speak to my boyfriend every day. I don\u2019t need to go back and forth. I can just live my life the way I like and see him sometimes. So it kind of set the baseline for a relationship for me.<\/p>\n

We broke up because he was moving countries and I was going to university. When I then went into dating, I had switched into this mindset of it being the same as before. But then you\u2019re dating other people and they\u2019re like, \u201cCome on, you can text me back. You have one hour free. It takes a second.\u201d Or, \u201cWhat do you mean you want to see me once a week?!\u201d I think people can feel when they\u2019re with an avoidant person. But it doesn\u2019t deter them! They think it\u2019s the hard-to-get thing.<\/p>\n

What avoidant behaviors were you exhibiting with these guys you were dating? It sounds like not answering messages, for one. <\/p>\n

Yeah, text messages. It\u2019s very hot-and-cold. At first, it\u2019s like I\u2019m love-bombing them, but it\u2019s not intentional. When you meet someone new, even as an avoidant, you\u2019re infatuated with them. So I\u2019ll meet a person and think they\u2019re fun and different, and I\u2019ll want to hang out with them. We\u2019re speaking every day. My phone is getting picked up every second. We\u2019re going back and forth with videos and texts and voice messages. And then you wake up the next day, and you\u2019re like \u2026 Meh. Suddenly, it\u2019s not in your mind. You just go about your day.<\/p>\n

Is there typically a time span where you find that this part of yourself takes over? Are we talking about a couple of days? A couple of weeks?<\/p>\n

It can literally be a day. You can literally go to sleep with this person in your bed and wake up the next morning be like, I actually don\u2019t want to do this anymore.<\/p>\n

Are you conscious that it\u2019s happened? Or does it feel more subconscious? <\/p>\n

You don\u2019t feel it when it\u2019s coming. You\u2019re not like, Oh, I can feel myself hating this person. It just comes and you\u2019re like, I don\u2019t want to do this anymore.<\/p>\n

A prime example: I was seeing this guy I\u2019d known for a couple of years and we were going back and forth. My friend said to me, \u201cYou\u2019re changing. You\u2019re more self-aware. You like this guy. You can do this!\u201d So I had him over and he met all the girls. We\u2019re eating food. We\u2019re hanging out like we\u2019ve done a thousand times. But midway through, I\u2019m sitting on my bed and looking at him and I realize, I really don\u2019t want to do this. I need to get out of this. He was probably asking me too many questions, like if I believed that he loved me. I\u2019d just seen him too many times that week: one date, two dinners, and a sleepover. It just became a lot. So I messaged my friends, and one of the sillier ones pretended they\u2019d broken their leg and so I said he had to leave. After that, I was in my bed and I felt at peace. So it\u2019s very on-and-off. You can start the day being like, I\u2019m going to try to make this work! And then at the end, you\u2019re like, Actually, I don\u2019t want to.<\/p>\n

As you start to pull back from guys, what kind of feedback are they giving you? I imagine they must feel like they\u2019re going a little crazy. <\/p>\n

Weirdly enough, it\u2019s very rare you get pushback. I\u2019ve only got pushback at least three times. Not many guys ask you why. I think women are more like, I want to know the reason. What\u2019s wrong with me? What\u2019s going on? But when it\u2019s with guys, it\u2019ll be like, OK, cut my losses. Move on. They don\u2019t really question you.<\/p>\n

But when you do get pushback, does it prompt any self-reflection? <\/p>\n

Definitely. Normally, when they ask you why, you don\u2019t know. It depends on what type of pushback you receive, though. If it\u2019s very clear and very formal, it can breed a very honest response. For example, there was a guy I\u2019d been messaging a lot before Christmas and we were making plans, but this year I decided to pull back and my messages started taking a few days. Eventually, after I\u2019d asked why he\u2019d unfollowed me on Instagram, he asked me why I\u2019d pulled back after seeming so keen. I had to tell him that I\u2019d realized that it wasn\u2019t about him, but that dating anyone right now wasn\u2019t on my list of priorities. I\u2019m about to move for work. I gain nothing from dating. He thanked me for that answer.<\/p>\n

But when I get emotional pushback is when shit hits the fan. If someone\u2019s like, \u201cYou\u2019re hurting my feelings. I\u2019m heartbroken,\u201d that is when you think, No. I\u2019m not doing this. You completely turn off and don\u2019t think you owe them a response.<\/p>\n

When avoidants have to meet emotion, they immediately tap out. I\u2019m very similar to that outside of relationships. I\u2019m a lawyer and it\u2019s not an emotional job. When I was a kid, I wasn\u2019t emotional, I wasn\u2019t a hugger. For me to feel empathy, I need logic and reasoning. Like, \u201cCan you list the reasons you want to date me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Are you like this with friendships too?<\/p>\n

Although I\u2019m wishy-washy with romantic relationships, I\u2019m the opposite in friendships. We almost treat friendships like romantic ones, where it\u2019s like, If you call me, I\u2019ll be there for you.
If you need anything, I\u2019m there. If you want to cuddle or stay in my bed, let\u2019s have a sleepover. Avoidants will go to the end of the world for their friends, but when it comes to doing that with someone romantically, it\u2019s almost the flip side. They\u2019re like, Oh, I\u2019m not capable of doing that.<\/p>\n

With friendships, you get everything that a relationship has but with boundaries. My friends won\u2019t be like, I want to be around you all the time. When it comes to relationships, you have so many more expectations from people that you\u2019re in love with.<\/p>\n

So, the million-dollar question: What is it about being in a relationship, specifically, that irks you?<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s the idea of getting hurt again, like how I felt when my ex moved countries. I think it\u2019s possibly the fear of a lack of individuality, though. Avoidants can be triggered by multiple things, but you don\u2019t like to be relied on because it feels like you\u2019re trapped and there\u2019s nowhere to go. \u201cI need you\u201d is a trigger because I don\u2019t want to be needed.<\/p>\n

You wrote on Reddit, \u201cI like the feeling of being loved, but not smothered. But it\u2019s hard to differentiate between the two.\u201d <\/p>\n

There is a very thin line. I love that you love me. Who doesn\u2019t love cuddles or the cute honeymoon stage? But then it\u2019s like, You\u2019re texting me all the time. Even when my friends text me and ask me where I am, I hate it. I\u2019m like, Why do they want to know where I am? Why do they want to know when I\u2019m coming home? It\u2019s like I\u2019m losing myself as a person.<\/p>\n

Honestly, it depends on who you\u2019re dating. Avoidants only date certain people and only certain people date avoidants. There are some people I\u2019ll try to date and they\u2019ll say no. They\u2019ve got me figured out quickly. But normally, it\u2019s anxious people who get attached to avoidants because they\u2019re chasing something they can\u2019t have.<\/p>\n

Do you feel like you\u2019re leaning on your attachment style as a crutch to explain your behavior?<\/p>\n

I\u2019d say I don\u2019t lean on it, no. I rarely mention avoidance when ending things with someone. I\u2019ll just limit things to my personality or lack of time. It\u2019s more of an explanation than an excuse.<\/p>\n

Have you ever felt guilt about the way you\u2019ve ended things with someone?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a really difficult question to answer. I should feel guilty, but there\u2019s always justifications. A lot of avoidants plant seeds at the start of relationships in order to avoid responsibility later and not feel guilty.<\/p>\n

You mean like warning people that you\u2019re a very busy person with a lot on your plate, so if you do ever start pulling back, you have created that cover?<\/p>\n

Yeah, we do that a lot. But the guilt doesn\u2019t come from what you\u2019ve done to other people, it comes from what you\u2019ve done to yourself. It\u2019s more like, I\u2019ve lost the cycle. I\u2019ve lost this game.<\/p>\n

Do you mean you feel like you\u2019ve let yourself down because you were trying to be different this time? <\/p>\n

Yeah, it\u2019s definitely that. Because when we go into relationships, we generally think in our head, Maybe this is the one that stops it. You\u2019re chasing this theory of having just been with the wrong people in the past\u2014that when the right person comes along, you won\u2019t be avoidant. But it doesn\u2019t work like that.<\/p>\n

Still, if someone came to me in a calm, collected, logical way and said, \u201cYou\u2019ve done this and this and this, and it led to this, and now I feel like this,\u201d it would probably break me.<\/p>\n

So are you seeking a long-term relationship in your life? Is that a goal you actually want to work toward?<\/p>\n

I really don\u2019t know. I\u2019m just really busy in terms of where I am in my life right now.<\/p>\n

Do you want to change your attachment style? <\/p>\n

Yeah. This year, I\u2019ve got some resolutions for my avoidant behavior. I\u2019m trying to hug my friends. If I have time, I\u2019ll try to respond to their texts. But for now, I\u2019m not dating anymore. I\u2019m not trying to actively hurt anybody, because I know how this goes.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve been very honest about your faults. Is there anything you want us to know about you that we might not understand?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not a me-versus-you phenomenon; It\u2019s a me-versus-me. Our intentions aren\u2019t evil. We\u2019d never want to purposefully hurt someone. It just feels like survival.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Emily Yoffe
\n Help! I Just Found Out My Husband Is Having an Affair. Unfortunately, I Understand Why.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

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Millennial Women Are Furious About a Bygone Toy. They\u2019re Forgetting One Thing.
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I Couldn\u2019t Understand Why My Boyfriend Suddenly Dumped Me. Then It Hit Me\u2014the Girl in the Cult.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

To be blunt: Are you a selfish person? Do you see this as selfish behavior? <\/p>\n

Yes. I think it\u2019s the most selfish thing you could do to somebody.<\/p>\n

Then, and I apologize for how harsh this will probably sound, but, why should anyone date you? Given everything you\u2019ve told me about yourself, that you say you\u2019re selfish, that you don\u2019t particularly want a long-term relationship, and that you value friends over partners, should anyone date you?<\/p>\n

No! I wouldn\u2019t date me.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had situationships that have been healthy, but I don\u2019t know why I can\u2019t commit to some nice guys, but not other guys. In November, for example, I was dating a lovely guy and I was smitten. I was baking and I was cooking him steaks. He met my sister and my friends. I thought, This is it. But I couldn\u2019t say what was different about him from other nice guys I\u2019d dated.<\/p>\n

So what happened?<\/p>\n

He ended it! Maybe he was my karma, but it just kind of dried out. He got really busy and he stopped texting.<\/p>\n

You met another avoidant! <\/p>\n

You know what? I think I did! I think we came face-to-face! I think I met my match.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Sign up for Slate’s evening newsletter.<\/p>\n