{"id":511599,"date":"2026-03-08T18:32:10","date_gmt":"2026-03-08T18:32:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/511599\/"},"modified":"2026-03-08T18:32:10","modified_gmt":"2026-03-08T18:32:10","slug":"theres-only-one-right-way-to-do-them-youll-hate-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/511599\/","title":{"rendered":"There\u2019s only one right way to do them. You\u2019ll hate it."},"content":{"rendered":"

This is part of Breakup Week<\/a>. We just can\u2019t do this anymore.<\/p>\n

Everyone has their own baggage of roads not taken in their lives, from jobs to housing arrangements to what they should have majored in in college. But for most people, the biggest temptation is the ended relationships that make you think What if?\u2014what if we\u2019d never broken up, what if we\u2019d tried harder, what if we\u2019d ended up together after all?<\/p>\n

Mine have never been like that. Instead, my breakups have all led me to a much more disturbed conclusion: They tend to make me wonder if I am a psychopath.<\/p>\n

I understand that it is somewhat normal to break up with partners of one\u2019s youth and, years later, look back to realize that of course you were never actually compatible\u2014you were just in the same place at the same time. That\u2019s how I\u2019ve explained the incredibly abrupt endings of my relationships with my high school and college boyfriends, both year-plus romances that I concluded with somewhat stunning haste. And then there was my last relationship, the one before I met my husband.<\/p>\n

I dated \u201cAdam\u201d for almost five years right out of college. We lived together for the final year of our relationship. And while there was a bit of drama before the breakup, the breakup itself was one of the most neutral and calm I have ever experienced. The envelope to renew our lease came to our apartment. I practiced these words, though I can\u2019t now recall if I said them precisely: \u201cI don\u2019t want to marry you, and I don\u2019t think that you want to marry me either. So\u00a0\u2026 let\u2019s not renew the lease?\u201d I think his answer was \u201cYes, you\u2019re right.\u201d Just like that, we were broken up.<\/p>\n

Initially, it seemed as if we would still be friends\u2014we hopped on Citi Bikes after that conversation and went to get ramen together in the East Village that night. But then\u2014and this is the part that makes me feel crazy\u2014we moved out and\u00a0\u2026 never saw or spoke to each other again? I felt not a smidgen of sadness\u2014just a pervasive sense of how weird it was to be the most important person in someone\u2019s life one moment, then total strangers the next.<\/p>\n

The reason this haunts me is that it makes me wonder: Was all of my perceived closeness just totally circumstantial? For a little while, in the early years of dating my now husband, I would sometimes find myself studying what we actually had in common, to convince myself that if we were to ever break up, we would still have things to talk about. I wanted to reassure myself that, apparently unlike all of my other relationships, we were bound by things that actually mattered, and that we would continue to be bound by them even if we weren\u2019t together. At least that\u2019s how I quelled my perpetual fear of subsuming myself for the delight of being in a relationship.<\/p>\n

This worry, that there was something deeply wrong with me because I could go from being closer to someone than I ever thought possible to having absolutely no contact with them, crystallized for me once when, during a rough patch with a very close friend, she told me that she was worried I was going to \u201cdiscard\u201d her, just like I did with my exes (and a couple of other formerly close friends). I could admit to more often being the dumper than the dumped. But did I discard people?<\/p>\n

Society does not look kindly upon people like me. The break-upper is the villain, and we know this because their actions are often bogged down with language that makes that clear. Take ghosting, or its close cousin the avoidant discard<\/a>, the new breakup action to rail against, which is just a longer, slower ghost performed by supposedly \u201cavoidantly attached\u201d people. Or take the fact that even though I was quite sure about ending each of those relationships (and significantly happier on the other side of them), I still felt as if there was something wrong with me for doing so. Shouldn\u2019t I have wanted to stay in touch? Shouldn\u2019t I have logged at least a few solid hours of weeping? What about closure?<\/p>\n

But no. I am here to take a stand for the break-uppers. And on the other side of these breakups that made me feel like the cruel one for moving on so completely and swiftly, I am here to say that I actually think an abrupt breakup can be OK\u2014even when you\u2019re on the receiving end of it. And trust me, I have been. I once went to visit someone, excited beyond belief that a relationship was finally taking hold, only to be crushed when the next weekend he came to my city and didn\u2019t even expect to hang out. I ended up sleeping on my friend\u2019s couch for days to process. And my now husband, in our earliest months of casually dating, called things off abruptly because he had met someone else, who wanted to be exclusive. I was furious, but underneath it, I was devastated. It sucks to be discarded\u2014and stings so stunningly for it to happen in favor of someone else.<\/p>\n

But that doesn\u2019t mean there\u2019s always a better alternative. We have this idea that there\u2019s a \u201ccorrect\u201d way to leave someone, a maneuver thoughtful and well-timed enough to soften the blow. (The internet is full of YouTube videos<\/a> and guides<\/a> for how to do this.) We think that if we give just enough effort into saving the relationship, and just enough warning that it is coming to a close, we\u2019ll be justified in ending things\u2014and perhaps escape the pain that often follows. You can see evidence of this in how upset people get when this \u201cperfect breakup\u201d doesn\u2019t happen: They lament being ghosted<\/a>, dumped over text<\/a>, ditched at dinner<\/a>, and jettisoned an hour before midnight on New Year\u2019s<\/a>. One friend of mine was recently dumped for what seemed like a legitimate cause, in what seemed like a legitimate way: The guy realized he didn\u2019t have the emotional capacity to be her partner, and he felt he was always disappointing her. He thought about his feelings for a long time and told her about them honestly and in person\u2014just as he \u201cshould have\u201d\u2014but did that matter? No! She still found reasons to be shattered by his methods, which included dumping her suddenly, and shortly after sex. (Fair and fair! But I still think he was never going to win this one.)<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Rich Juzwiak
\n The Internet Is Full of Quick Fixes That Promise to End Heartbreak. I Chose to Ignore Them All.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Protracted breakups aren\u2019t any better, even when there\u2019s plenty of warning. In fact they can be worse: As we saw a few days ago, in another Breakup Week piece<\/a>, one woman was sidelined by a breakup that has never, to this day, officially ended. Despite going to therapy and trying to save the relationship, they just drifted apart, ever so slowly, over the course of many years, never daring to say \u201cIt\u2019s over\u201d\u2014even after they were literally living with other people. It was confusing and excruciating: Their herculean attempt to break up without pain did not, as it turns out, avoid pain. Some couples spend 15 years trying to work it out<\/a>, and it still hurts like hell when it\u2019s over.<\/p>\n

In other words, how you dump someone does not matter. Stop thinking there\u2019s a perfect method! Any way you cut it, it\u2019s going to hurt. But if I had to choose a fighter, I\u2019ll always have a soft spot for the abrupt, bloodless kind of breakup others decry<\/a>. Sometimes you get lucky and it is as mutual as my last one was. But when it\u2019s not mutual, don\u2019t you actually want the breakup to be faster? It\u2019s better to rip off the Band-Aid than let it fester through months of fruitless trying. Sure, you can go to couples therapy, and yes, you can \u201ctalk it out,\u201d but when one of you feels done\u2014some research suggests that there is a specific point<\/a> at which this happens; we also know it colloquially as getting the dreaded ick\u2014the more humane move is to end things. Let yourself be dropped into the pool of pain. You don\u2019t want to be with someone who has passed this point with you anyway (or you shouldn\u2019t)!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Situationship Ghosted Me. Where He Went Was Far More Shocking.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

One Parenting Expert Seems to Hold the Key to Happy Kids. I Can\u2019t Bring Myself to Take Her Advice.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Everyone Has the Same Advice After a Bad Breakup. I Tried It. I\u2019m Here to Tell You to Do the Opposite.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Sometimes I Wonder if the Way I Like to Dump People Makes Me a Psychopath
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

In fact, I think we should be breaking up more. As a regular reader of Slate\u2019s prodigious advice columns and archives, I see so many people writing in to say they don\u2019t want to break up\u00a0\u2026 but then go on to explain<\/a> that instead they\u2019d like their significant other to change<\/a>, well, significantly. I must say: Dating is the time to figure out if you\u2019re compatible in the long haul without having to change into another person first. I\u2019m not necessarily advocating for divorce (I\u2019ll leave that to my colleague<\/a>)\u2014but a pre-marriage breakup? Better than years of trying to get someone to change! People can learn how to grow and function in a relationship better together, yes, but you don\u2019t want to be in the business of waiting for someone to become the person you want to be with.<\/p>\n

I am not evil. I certainly agree that there are better ways to break up. If you are in a serious, committed relationship, yes, you owe it to the other person to tell them directly that it is over and give them a (limited) chance to react. I also think that if you have been communicating only digitally, I\u2019m sorry, but ghosting actually is fine<\/a>. If you\u2019ve been on just a handful of dates, a text is adequate. A phone call can suffice in many circumstances.<\/p>\n

But also, that is just a rough set of guidelines for the best circumstances. And breakups are often not completed in the best of circumstances! Which is why I think that not following these guidelines is fine too, because the thing that sucks is a relationship ending if you don\u2019t want it to. No amount of smooth breakup process is going to dull that pain. But it\u2019s better than staying put.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Sign up for Slate’s evening newsletter.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"This is part of Breakup Week. We just can\u2019t do this anymore. Everyone has their own baggage of…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":511600,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[229968,22872,97,32820],"class_list":{"0":"post-511599","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-breakup-week","9":"tag-dating-and-relationships","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-romance"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/511599","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=511599"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/511599\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/511600"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=511599"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=511599"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=511599"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}