I don\u2019t get to have a glass of wine very often.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019ll never forget this one\u2026.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re in Sorrento for my auntie\u2019s 60th. Sitting in a tiny restaurant just off one of the back streets. One of those places you\u2019d totally miss if you didn\u2019t know it was there.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s perfect: pasta, red wine, all my family together.<\/p>\n
The Champions League final comes up in conversation, which I suppose it was always going to. It had only been a couple of weeks since we\u2019d won. Everyone was still talking about it. Remembering bits of the weekend. Who was there. What it felt like.<\/p>\n
Then the topic of flights comes up. My sister mentions how much hers had cost.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m sitting there, looking down at my glass while they\u2019re still talking\u2026.<\/p>\n
And I start to cry.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t spend a lot of time looking back, if I\u2019m honest. I guess it\u2019s just not how I\u2019m wired.<\/p>\n
As a player, you\u2019re always thinking about what\u2019s next. What you need to do tomorrow. How you\u2019ll prepare. How you\u2019re going to contribute.<\/p>\n
You can\u2019t stay in a moment for too long. But when I do let myself think about it \u2014\u00a0even if just for a second, over a rare glass of wine \u2014 I always end up back where I grew up.<\/p>\n
A small village called Mintlaw, in the north-east of Scotland. About 30 miles north of Aberdeen. If you look at the map of Scotland, it\u2019s right up there in the top corner. Right on the nose.\u00a0<\/p>\n
You\u2019ll have never heard of it. There\u2019s maybe only 2,500 people in the whole village. Two primary schools. One big roundabout where all the shops are \u2014 a petrol station, a chippy, a Chinese.\u00a0<\/p>\n
That\u2019s about it, really. Maybe some people would say that\u2019s boring. But it was never that for me.<\/p>\n
We never went abroad. Camping was our holiday. We\u2019d get the bikes on the racks, pack the tent, and head off somewhere in Scotland \u2014 St Andrews, Dumfries & Galloway, the Trossachs.<\/p>\n
Long drives. Bickering with my brother, Euan, and sister, Judith. I was always stuck in the middle in the backseat. I don\u2019t know why.<\/p>\n
We\u2019d pitch up in the woods, and there were five of us in a four-man tent for a long time. I don\u2019t think my parents realised how big we were getting. Eventually my mum and dad upgraded it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Finally we had a bit more room to breathe.<\/p>\n
It was quite a raw kind of upbringing. Most days were spent outside. Hiking, cycling, kayaking on the lochs. Cooking on the stove \u2014 just rice, beans, really simple meals.<\/p>\n
And of course, there was football. Hours and hours of it in the garden or across at the fields with my brother and dad, mostly.<\/p>\n
To me, it was all a kid could ask for. But as I got a little older, I started to notice something in myself. We\u2019re a really modest family \u2014 I think a lot of Scots are. My siblings are probably a bit more outgoing than me. My mum too.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s only now that I\u2019ve realised how much like my dad I really am.<\/p>\n
My dad was always very active. He\u2019d play rugby or he\u2019d go out running at Aden Park \u2014 then he\u2019d come back and go straight into the garage.<\/p>\n
I wonder where I\u2019d be without that garage\u2026.<\/p>\n
It was maybe 10-feet-by-10-feet. Concrete floor. Painted red. I remember that vividly.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And the cold. I remember that, too. It was freezing.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Inside there were bikes, ladders \u2014 all the usual things. Walls filled with garage crap. Everything in there except a car. Which I thought was supposed to be the whole point of a double-garage, until I saw his set-up!<\/p>\n
He\u2019d do his exercise in there. Weights set up in stations. Circuits.\u00a0<\/p>\n
His own little world. Away from everything.<\/p>\n
And he let me inside.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d started by watching him train. And then I started to work out with him, too.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In the winter \u2014 when it was too cold for Aden Park or the fields \u2014 I\u2019d be in there in the garage doing circuits, or I was clearing a space amongst all the crap and doing keepy-uppies, dribbling, skills.<\/p>\n
Inside my head, I had a tick box of what needed to be done. Sometimes I wouldn\u2019t let myself come in for dinner until I\u2019d finished.<\/p>\n
I realised I had this \u2014\u00a0I don\u2019t know what you\u2019d call it \u2014\u00a0a natural instinct\u2026. Not just that I was good at something. But that I wanted to get better and better at it, too.<\/p>\n
When the weather was a little nicer, we\u2019d take the training out of the garage and back into the garden or park. Our house was right next to the park, so we were there most evenings.\u00a0<\/p>\n
We\u2019d do drills, or we\u2019d do running intervals. These three or four mile runs. Twenty-eight minutes roughly to complete.\u00a0<\/p>\n
My dad was getting older and I was coming into my prime \u2014\u00a0still just in my early teens. And I remember the moment I first overtook him, first started pulling away from him.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I knew I couldn\u2019t slow down after that.<\/p>\n
That feeling of just keeping going.<\/p>\n
That feeling of just one more lap.<\/p>\n
Even when dinner is on the table. Even when everyone else had gone home.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve always spent quite a lot of time by myself. I think I need it. Even now, at training, there are so many people around that I\u2019ll try and find little pockets of time where I can step away for a bit.\u00a0<\/p>\n
After breakfast, I\u2019ll go and cycle on my own. I like being slightly outside of the busyness of the day. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s hiding. It\u2019s just finding a moment to breathe.<\/p>\n
My teammates know what I\u2019m like by now.<\/p>\n
I remember being at the cinema with Steph and Beth, and one of them suggested going back to theirs after. And I was just like, \u201cYeah .\u2026 I\u2019m going to leave now.\u201d<\/p>\n
When my battery is draining, I have to just go.<\/p>\n
But in my head, I\u2019m still thinking: Was that awkward? That was awkward, wasn’t it?<\/p>\n
I think I\u2019m always doing that. Asking myself questions, trying to learn. If something works, you try to understand why. If it doesn\u2019t, you try to adjust it. Just so the next time you\u2019re in that situation, you\u2019re a little bit more prepared for it.<\/p>\n
In games, or after training, I\u2019ll find myself thinking, not just about my performance, but\u2026. Could I have spoken to that person differently? Could I have handled that situation in another way?\u00a0<\/p>\n
Luckily, that time after the movie, the girls just laughed. In a bigger group, I usually just slip out without telling anyone\u2026.<\/p>\n
I get to a point where I have to just go. I\u2019m never rude with it. But I\u2019ve come to understand that\u2019s who I am. And I think that\u2019s probably always been there.<\/p>\n
I think I\u2019ve always been more comfortable doing my own thing. As long as I\u2019m moving forward.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I was already playing for Hibs while I was still in school. Studying for my Highers. Working 20-hour weeks on the checkout at Tesco in Ellon.<\/p>\n
Honestly, I didn\u2019t really think about it too much. I just thought: I\u2019ll do this for a bit, apply for some universities, maybe I\u2019ll get a scholarship.<\/p>\n
And then Arsenal got in touch.<\/p>\n
This was 2008. They\u2019d just won the quadruple. Probably the best team in the world at the time. The team was filled with icons. I was 17 and still living at home \u2026 and I just went\u2026.<\/p>\n
Okay. I\u2019ll go play for Arsenal now.<\/p>\n
Alex Burstow\/Arsenal FC via Getty Images<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t even think that I was nervous. It really didn\u2019t feel like a huge, dramatic decision. It just felt like the logical next step that I was leaving Tesco, to study and to play with Julie Fleeting, Emma Byrne, Jayne Ludlow, Rachel Yankey, Kelly Smith\u2026. Basically the Mount Rushmore of British and Irish football.<\/p>\n
I guess a lot of the things that mattered to me \u2014\u00a0then and now \u2014 didn\u2019t really change. In London, it was still about training, improving, doing the work.<\/p>\n
But you have to remember that women\u2019s football was very different back then.\u00a0<\/p>\n
You brought your own food. I don\u2019t think there was any full-time staff. You just got on with it. You were training yourself, motivating yourself. In a way, I think that actually suited me. It was grounded. It wasn\u2019t quite cooking rice and beans over a camping stove. But it was simple. It just made sense to me.<\/p>\n
But there are some things you can\u2019t protect yourself from. Sometimes my career has looked like smooth sailing \u2014 looking back at it now, sometimes I\u2019m even tricked into thinking that. But maybe that\u2019s more about how I\u2019ve dealt with things than what\u2019s actually happened to me.<\/p>\n
There have been a lot of setbacks. I didn\u2019t really have an injury until I was 26, when I did my ACL. But after that, there were quite a few. Surgeries on my foot, my knee. I broke my leg. Bigger hamstring injuries. Broken fingers. Periods where you\u2019re out for a while, desperately trying to get back.<\/p>\n
And I think every time something like that happens, I never really let myself sit in it for too long.<\/p>\n
It was always: Okay, this is where I\u2019m at now \u2014 what do I need to do to get back?<\/p>\n
Over time, that\u2019s what\u2019s allowed me to come back from those moments and still perform at a high level. But that mentality can\u2019t protect you from everything\u2026.<\/p>\n
This isn\u2019t something I\u2019ve ever really shared openly before. But I want to share it now, because I think it\u2019s important that people see the other side of it…. They just see the games. Maybe they see the injuries. But the challenges aren\u2019t always physical.<\/p>\n
David Price\/Arsenal FC via Getty Images<\/p>\n
There have been two significant periods in my career when I\u2019ve been depressed and on antidepressants.<\/p>\n
Times when even getting out of bed felt hard.<\/p>\n
Playing felt impossible.<\/p>\n
And somehow, I was still doing it. I don\u2019t know how. Still training. Still playing at the highest level.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I look back at those periods and \u2026. I honestly don\u2019t really know how I found the strength to get through all that.<\/p>\n
I think part of it was a sense of responsibility.<\/p>\n
Even when things don\u2019t feel right, you still show up. You still go in. You still do the work.<\/p>\n
If you can\u2019t do it for yourself, you do it for the team. For the people around you.<\/p>\n
I wouldn\u2019t wish those experiences on anyone. But when you come out the other side of it\u2026. You learn so much about yourself. You realise how strong you are. How resilient. And you realise what matters most to you.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t like to dwell on it, but it changed me. I feel so much more aware of what\u2019s happening around me now. It\u2019s helped me as a leader. When I\u2019m around the group every day, I can sense when someone\u2019s not quite themselves. When their frequency changes.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Obviously you don\u2019t always know what it is, and you can\u2019t always fix it.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But that awareness\u2026 Seeing someone in pain and letting them know you see them. It\u2019s a start.<\/p>\n
What I understand more than anything now is that none of this happens on your own.<\/p>\n
David Price\/Arsenal FC via Getty Images<\/p>\n
I think when you\u2019re so focused on getting better \u2014\u00a0on training, on playing, on doing the work properly, writing training plans and notes and reminders \u2014\u00a0you can spend a lot of your life with your head down.\u00a0<\/p>\n
It\u2019s just how you get yourself through it.\u00a0<\/p>\n
You can only think about the next run, the next pass, the next touch.<\/p>\n
But at some point you have to look up and see who\u2019s around you.\u00a0<\/p>\n
When I do that now, what I see most clearly isn\u2019t really a goal or a match or a trophy.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s people.<\/p>\n
The people you train with and travel with. The people who are there to push you and to celebrate you and who know when you\u2019d rather go straight home after the cinema.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s the part of football that maybe gets harder to explain the longer you\u2019re in it. Because it is really unique. To work that closely with people who have your back every single day.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And doing all that in public, too.<\/p>\n
It gives your life a kind of richness that players don\u2019t think about as much as we should. Our lives in football are so fleeting. Maybe we don\u2019t get to appreciate it until it\u2019s too late.<\/p>\n
When I think about my closest friends now, so many of them come from football. They know who they are. Different clubs, different years, different versions of my life. But we shared something at that particular time, and that stays with you. It becomes part of the fabric of your life.<\/p>\n
Andrew Matthews\/PA Images via Getty Images<\/p>\n
I think that\u2019s why, when I do stop playing, whenever that is, I know I\u2019ll be fine. Not because I won\u2019t miss it, or I\u2019ve planned it all perfectly \u2014\u00a0although I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll try.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s because of the opportunities this game has brought me. From Mintlaw to London. Living in Seattle. Melbourne. Seeing women\u2019s football as it was \u2014\u00a0in stadiums filled with empty seats \u2014 to where it is now\u2026.<\/p>\n
When I arrived in London, just a teenager, carrying my packed lunch, lugging equipment to the pitches to train twice a week\u2026. Did I ever think we\u2019d sell out the Emirates?<\/p>\n
But it\u2019s one thing to have those experiences. What makes it so much more special is to get the opportunity to share those experiences with others.<\/p>\n
Whole stretches of my life live in those friendships. They are our shared memories now. We\u2019ll never lose that. We\u2019ll be little old ladies one day, sitting in the garden talking about things people could only dream of.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Even if that\u2019s all I got out of football, that\u2019s a very special thing to come away with.<\/p>\n
At 17, I understood the work. The training. The little details.<\/p>\n
But I didn\u2019t really understand what it means to have people join you on that journey. Whether that\u2019s those you have the privilege of standing next to on the pitch or those paying to watch you from the stands \u2014\u00a0supporters of this club or people who\u2019ve supported you your whole life.<\/p>\n
I may have taught myself to always plan ahead, to be prepared, to always think about what comes next \u2014\u00a0but there are still these moments when life catches you standing still.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s what I think was really sitting underneath that moment in Sorrento.<\/p>\n
Not just the final. Not just the flights. Definitely not the wine.\u00a0<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t even the money, really.<\/p>\n
It was just the gesture of it.<\/p>\n
My sister \u2014\u00a0with three kids and her own life and all the pressures and logistics that come with that \u2014 had quietly done what she needed to do to be there.\u00a0<\/p>\n
She hadn\u2019t made a thing of it. She hadn\u2019t asked me for anything. She had gone because she knew what it meant to me. And what it meant to her, too.<\/p>\n
That I was not alone.<\/p>\n
To football, to Arsenal, and to those closest to me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I don\u2019t get to have a glass of wine very often. So I\u2019ll never forget this one\u2026. We\u2019re…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":548424,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[69],"tags":[403,99],"class_list":["post-548423","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-soccer","tag-soccer","tag-sports"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/548423","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=548423"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/548423\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/548424"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=548423"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=548423"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=548423"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}