{"id":550796,"date":"2026-03-28T17:15:08","date_gmt":"2026-03-28T17:15:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/550796\/"},"modified":"2026-03-28T17:15:08","modified_gmt":"2026-03-28T17:15:08","slug":"ive-discovered-who-my-husband-really-is-as-a-parent-this-feels-very-bad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/550796\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019ve discovered who my husband really is as a parent. This feels very bad."},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

I worked in early childhood education before I went on to a different kid-facing job. So I say with some confidence that my husband and I got lucky with a relatively easy baby\/toddler. She\u2019s always been a good sleeper and a good eater, her developmental milestones don\u2019t cause stress, and she\u2019s a happy kid. Parenting is hard but it could be much harder. But the problem is, my husband is constantly judging his brother\u2019s & SIL\u2019s parenting and his brother\u2019s daughter against ours.<\/p>\n

He and his brother have always had some low-level rivalry about stupid stuff, and usually I let it go. But this one feels gross to me. Especially because my niece is just a different kiddo, so of course the parenting she needs is different. They\u2019re stricter about stuff like bedtime than we are, because she\u2019s always had trouble sleeping. Her sleep problems don\u2019t have a moral value. They have different mealtime routines, because their daughter is working through big toddler feelings and meals are tough. This could easily have been us, and it probably will be with some new problem someday when our toddler is older.<\/p>\n

If our daughter stopped being easy to feed, would he judge her like this? If we had to make imperfect (but still safe and loving) choices in parenting to deal with sudden problems, would he judge me? It feels bad. I know this is more about his weird thing with his brother than actually about kids and parenting so I can\u2019t tell if I\u2019m being too sensitive.<\/p>\n

\u2014It\u2019s Not a Competition<\/p>\n

Dear Not a Competition,<\/p>\n

I imagine the parenting judgment part of this will naturally resolve itself when your daughter inevitably becomes more challenging at some point or in some area of her life, or if you have another child who comes out of the womb completely feral and stays that way. Or, who knows, maybe your daughter will be an angel forever and you won\u2019t have another. In that case, I hope your husband is eventually exposed to other families and has the opportunity to notice when two siblings\u2014or even two twins\u2014raised by the same parents and with all the same rules and routines often have all opposite dispositions and very different needs. I do think he will eventually be humbled or at least develop some awareness of the idea that kids kind of just are who they are and parents have to work with it.<\/p>\n

The hardest part of this is obviously the concern that his love for your daughter and trust in your parenting are conditional. I imagine the fear that one day she\u2019ll wake up only eating white foods, fighting sleep with all she has, and acting like she\u2019s being tortured each time you put socks on her looms over you. So plan for it. Tell your husband that you\u2019ve been lucky so far, but you want to do some research together and decide what parenting philosophy or approach you\u2019ll embrace if things stop being easy. It\u2019s going to feel much better to think about this now than it will while she\u2019s screaming \u201cNoooo!\u201d in the background. If he says \u201cWe\u2019ll never need that. She\u2019s always going to be well-behaved because we set a good example,\u201d say \u201cOkay just humor me.\u201d<\/p>\n

When it comes to your husband\u2019s relationship with his brother, you\u2019re right that a lot of that is out of your control. You should just focus on your part of the dynamic, which means refusing to join him in conveying judgment as your niece\u2019s parents are struggling\u2014or being sticklers for the routines that are essential to their lives\u2014in front of you. Beyond that (assuming you have extra energy for this as your daughter sits independently practicing phonics and eating vegetables before putting herself to bed), you can help to make sure they have what they need when they\u2019re at your home: Food ready at the designated mealtime, a dark room with blackout curtains and white noise ready at 7:00 pm, or whatever the case may be. \u201cShe\u2019s a great kid\u201d and \u201cYou\u2019re a great mom\u201d go a long way too. Hopefully when and if the tables turn, you\u2019ll get it all back.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

I am at my wit\u2019s end with my partner\u2019s inability to keep his apartment clean, but I feel so conflicted about being angry with him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he does pull his weight in our relationship otherwise. He is a loving, caring, and supportive man. For example, he recently packed up my aunt\u2019s whole apartment and helped her move. He makes me food and goes shopping, he takes me seriously and has worked hard to change things that are important to me\u2014except his level of cleanliness.<\/p>\n

His place has been dirty and messy for the seven years we\u2019ve been together. I\u2019m talking about dirt on the floor, clothes everywhere, trash staying in places, moldy food in the fridge, not cleaning his appliances, and so on. We don\u2019t live together, but I absolutely hate being there. We usually communicate really well and have worked so hard at being a good team, and in the beginning, I tried being supportive and helpful and understanding. I\u2019ve tried making and sending him guidelines, tutorials, and offered help, but nothing has changed.<\/p>\n

He always feels guilty and awful when we talk, promises he\u2019ll change, but then nothing happens. After all these years of having the same conversation, I cannot talk to him or even think about this without being furious. I\u2019ve told him there is no way I\u2019ll live with him if nothing changes, which is sad, but I could live with. But now I have to spend time at his place, as my new job is in his city. How can we move forward with this situation as a couple? How can I be less angry? And what can he do to change?<\/p>\n

\u2014Absolutely Furious<\/p>\n

Dear Furious,<\/p>\n

Seven years is a long time to try and fail to not be a slob. It\u2019s also a really long time to try and fail to force someone to do something that they\u2019re clearly not willing or able to. Whether it\u2019s stubbornness or something to do with the way your partner\u2019s brain works that is outside of his control, the situation is what it is and it\u2019s intolerable to you. I\u2019m not hopeful that things will improve. You can\u2019t move in with him. Sorry.<\/p>\n

Just think about it: If you\u2019re this frustrated while you\u2019re visiting, you would be miserable if you couldn\u2019t escape to your own clean space, with a dirt-free floor. In fact, you should spend much less time over there. Maybe no time at all. I know there are practical and financial considerations, but unless the only alternative is homelessness, the place you sleep should not make you furious. It\u2019s basically impossible to have a happy relationship under those circumstances.<\/p>\n

What would you do if he lived at his great aunt\u2019s house and her strict religious beliefs meant he wasn\u2019t to have you over because of the risk of premarital sex? Do that. And then decide whether the good parts of this relationship are so good that it will work if you spend all your time together at your place (but hopefully not so much time that he starts to trash it).<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Ex Cheated on Me When Our Son Was 6 Months Old. Years Later, I Still Have to Face a Reminder of His Infidelity.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

We Have 3-Month-Old Twins. I Can\u2019t Believe What My Husband Just Volunteered Us for.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

My best friend \u201cKimmy\u201d is getting married in June and has asked me and the other girls who will be her bridesmaids to wear some of the ghastliest dresses ever created. The consensus is that we all hate them. Would it be acceptable to tell Kimmy she needs to choose some different ones?<\/p>\n

\u2014A Crime of Fashion<\/p>\n

Dear Crime of Fashion, <\/p>\n

Nope. You are allowed to push back on a bridesmaid dress selection if it runs afoul of your religious beliefs, if you literally cannot get it onto your body, if the fabric triggers an allergy for you, or if your friend says \u201cDo you like it? Please tell me the truth.\u201d That\u2019s it. I believe you that the dress is ugly, but you signed up to be sentient decoration on a day that\u2019s totally about someone else, and this is the risk you took. Also, you and the other bridesmaids should drop the topic and stop talking about the bride behind her back. You\u2019re being bad friends in a way that\u2019s much worse than asking people to wear a \u201cghastly\u201d garment.<\/p>\n

Catch up on this week\u2019s Prudie.<\/a> <\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

Our oldest daughter is in kindergarten at our local public school. Her teacher has been on extended leave since about a month after school started this year. The long-term substitute is a perfectly nice woman, but she does not have an education degree. I fully appreciate that my daughter\u2019s teacher may have a medical condition that prevents her from returning to work, and I certainly don\u2019t begrudge her that, but I\u2019m left thinking that my daughter and the other students in her class deserve a trained teacher, especially in kindergarten. If I have a conversation with the principal about my concerns,\u00a0what is reasonable to ask for<\/a>?<\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I worked in early childhood education before I…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":550797,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[3005,11463,83542,97],"class_list":{"0":"post-550796","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-dear-prudence","10":"tag-featured-rubric","11":"tag-health"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/550796","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=550796"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/550796\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/550797"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=550796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=550796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=550796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}