{"id":552830,"date":"2026-03-29T19:11:14","date_gmt":"2026-03-29T19:11:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/552830\/"},"modified":"2026-03-29T19:11:14","modified_gmt":"2026-03-29T19:11:14","slug":"im-terrified-our-kids-will-find-out-their-fathers-naughty-secret","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/552830\/","title":{"rendered":"I’m terrified our kids will find out their father’s naughty secret."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

Years ago when he was in college, my husband was in a few dozen adult movies.\u00a0Nothing big; he was just a mope.\u00a0The thing is, we have two kids who are now young teens.\u00a0Considering we live in an age where nothing ever stays private or buried, when is it appropriate to tell them about what he used to do before they find out on their own, or worse, someone else tells them?<\/p>\n

\u2014Your Dad Has a Past<\/p>\n

Dear Your Dad Has a Past,<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s true that nothing stays private or buried. The internet is forever, sure, but there\u2019s a lot of it, which means some, if not most, will be forgotten or otherwise lost to time. Does the past of every mope (that\u2019s porn lingo for a minor porn performer whose career and\/or personal profile prevent them from being reasonably labeled a \u201cstar\u201d) follow him around? I doubt it. I think many live lives after porn without being recognized much or at all.<\/p>\n

And so, one course of action is to simply let the past stay there and not mention this at all to your kids, hoping that no one will point it out to them. This may very well be a case where remaining under the radar is possible. I\u2019m thinking about the kids here\u2014it could be mortifying to discover that their father once used to wield his dick for all the world to see. You indicate that finding out this information from an outside source would be harder on them, but I\u2019m not sure that\u2019s true, either. Getting in front of things would mitigate the sting of shock, but the source is secondary to the information. They may be uncomfortable with this knowledge regardless of the source.<\/p>\n

But if your family is open about sexuality, imposes no shame on the use and production of porn, and has navigated conversations that others might deem difficult, you could have the conversation now, especially if this is really eating away at you. But in that case, keep in mind that you\u2019re doing it more for you than for your kids\u2014I think it would be best to discuss this when there was a need instead of just bringing it up out of the blue. If you must do that, just mention in passing that, yeah, your dad did some porn when he was younger, that phase in his life is over, no big deal. The less you make of this, the more likely they are to let it wash over them without dwelling on it or making a big deal themselves. You get to set the tone here, and that\u2019s a position of power.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I am a gay man who long considered himself to be a top. Then I met my first husband, Michael, and through a lot of fun experimentation realized that I\u2019m fully, enthusiastically vers. After a bit of work I got to the point where I could take whatever he gave me, in any position and at whatever intensity he needed that day to get off. I\u2019m very into roleplay, and I got so good at bottoming that prep was a breeze and I didn\u2019t have to take breaks or think about it twice. I could totally focus on the character I was doing and enjoy the ride.<\/p>\n

Michael and I amicably divorced a couple years ago and I remarried Bobby, and suddenly I have a bottoming problem. Bobby is vers also, but generally prefers to bottom, so I\u2019m doing less of it these days. When I do, it hurts quite a lot when he\u2019s fully inside me, especially when he\u2019s thrusting, even lightly. His penis is the same length as Michael\u2019s, just possibly a little thinner. Yet it feels like he\u2019s slamming against some barrier in there that I don\u2019t remember Michael ever encountering. I know there is a second sphincter but that\u2019s just a few inches in and was the big barrier to me bottoming originally. Once I learned to relax that everything was fine, and this new issue isn\u2019t the same thing. Is it just that I do it less now? Or could it be something else? (I\u2019ve had sexual health checkups and a recent colonoscopy, so there isn\u2019t anything glaringly abnormal going on.)<\/p>\n

\u2014Pretty Sure It\u2019s Not a Cervix<\/p>\n

Dear Pretty Sure It\u2019s Not a Cervix,<\/p>\n

If your sexual health checkup did not include an anscopy<\/a> (preferably a high-resolution anscopy, which adds a magnifying device to the anal examining procedure), consider getting one. The discomfort may be the result of warts\/lesions, anal fissure, hemorrhoids or other butt issues. A colonoscopy might detect these things, but not certainly\u2014the anscopy is targeted to exactly where these potentially pain-causing issues would be presenting. Get yourself a butt doctor (a colorectal surgeon), and preferably a gay one (or at least one who is known for catering to a gay clientele), and get checked properly.<\/p>\n

If that\u2019s clear, then it could be that you\u2019re out of practice. Try using sex toys or even a dilator set (like this one from Future Method<\/a>) to reacquaint your hole with foreign visitors. It\u2019s particularly useful if you open yourself up before sex. You\u2019re correct that there are external and internal sphincters and that relaxing both is crucial for bottoming. There is also, about six to eight inches inside<\/a>, what is often referred to as the \u201csecond hole,\u201d technically the rectosigmoid junction. Generally this only comes into play with extremely large penises (and during fisting). Hitting this part can be pleasurable for the bottom but also intense. It sits between the rectum and the colon, where there is a pretty tight curve in the tubing. Depending on the size and curvature of his penis, Bobby may be hitting up against that. Another advantage of testing yourself out with sex toys would be to see if there\u2019s a difference in sensation when one is in deep, as the issue could be a basic one of how Bobby\u2019s anatomy fits with yours. If you want to really contrast the experiences, maybe try roleplay with Bobby? Perhaps when you did it with Michael, something about that experience allowed you to relax fully, making taking dick much easier.<\/p>\n

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Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

Is it normal for your jaw to get painfully sore while giving a blow job? I am not new to this, but I feel like as I\u2019ve gotten older\u2014I\u2019m 30\u2014my jaw has become less able to hold out to finish when I\u2019m giving my guy head. Maybe I\u2019m just tired and a little less enthusiastic with age, but I don\u2019t remember being this damn sore. Is there a way I can train myself back up to that stamina? Or am I just doomed to tapping out three quarters of the way through.<\/p>\n

\u2014Ouch<\/p>\n

Dear Ouch,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve Discovered Who My Husband Really Is as a Parent. This Feels Very Bad.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Husband Is Disappointed That Our Kids Didn\u2019t Inherit This Particular Aspect of His Personality. Yikes.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n


\n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

I Made the Simplest Request of My Boyfriend Before We Sleep With Another Couple. His Response Blew Me Away.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

A bit of soreness here and there, depending on the size of the dick, shouldn\u2019t be too much of a surprise or cause for concern. Painfully sore, though? I\u2019m concerned. Something you should be aware of is that TMD (temporomandibular joint disorders, sometimes commonly referred to as \u201cTMJ\u201d) often start between 20 and 40<\/a> and, would you look at that? You\u2019re right between those ages. It\u2019s worth inquiring to a doctor as to whether or not this is affecting you. Diagnosis may require imaging like X-rays, a CT scan, or an MRI. A doctor should also be able to help you with treatment\u2014TMD is treatable, though the effectiveness of said treatment will range based on the severity of the condition. Painkillers (of the over-the-counter variety, nothing too heavy) may help. Things like jaw exercises, ultrasound therapy, and even surgery can also provide relief. Get yourself looked at, as rehabilitation is likely not something you can do on your own if the issue is TMD.<\/p>\n

In the meantime and regardless of the diagnosis, you should heed the advice of people on the TMJ Association\u2019s website<\/a> regarding intimacy. Says one: \u201cYou can try different positions to reduce the stress on her jaw, neck, (and) facial muscles. Try sitting on the edge of the bed with her kneeling before you so that she is not tipping her head back as much. Never push her head down and for heaven\u2019s sake hold still and let her control the motions.\u201d<\/p>\n

There are people with jaw pain who simply can\u2019t give oral sex. It seems that your pain is not as severe as the extreme cases, which is good (for now). Tapping out three quarters of the way through is nothing to be ashamed of. You can always try finishing him off with your hand, or letting him handle it while you make out with him, play with his nipples (or whatever parts of his body turn him on). Definitely don\u2019t put yourself through pain merely for the sake of someone else\u2019s pleasure.<\/p>\n

\u2014Rich<\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

My wife and I have a really complicated sexual history. After a lot of therapy, we\u2019ve begun to reconnect sexually, and she\u2019s discovered what she thinks is a \u201cmiracle drug\u201d for sex: THC edibles. I\u2019m all for her enjoying it and getting more pleasure, but should I be worried that she\u2019s trying to numb our past with weed?<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":552831,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[3005,97,14110],"class_list":{"0":"post-552830","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-sex"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/552830","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=552830"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/552830\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/552831"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=552830"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=552830"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=552830"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}