{"id":558979,"date":"2026-04-01T21:56:09","date_gmt":"2026-04-01T21:56:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/558979\/"},"modified":"2026-04-01T21:56:09","modified_gmt":"2026-04-01T21:56:09","slug":"im-on-a-mission-to-enjoy-my-sex-life-to-the-fullest-now-that-im-done-having-kids-something-stands-in-my-way","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/558979\/","title":{"rendered":"I’m on a mission to enjoy my sex life to the fullest now that I’m done having kids. Something stands in my way."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Jessica and Rich here.<\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

New from Slate\u2019s advice family: Unhinged, a monthly dating column. Part advice, part investigation.\u00a0Read the first edition now<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,\u00a0<\/p>\n

I am a 40-year-old woman with three children. I have been with my husband for 12 years. He\u2019s 48. I\u2019m on a hormonal birth control pill, but now that we\u2019re done having children, I\u2019m considering switching to a different birth control option.<\/p>\n

I have a pretty high libido typically, and my husband and I have a passionate and kinky sex life, but I have always felt less horny while on the pill. Whenever I\u2019ve been off the pill (when we were trying to get pregnant, when I was pregnant), it felt like my body was finally working with me instead of against me. I would really like to enjoy my sex life to the fullest extent, and to feel as horny as I naturally can, but I\u2019m not sure what birth control would be best for this goal.<\/p>\n

My husband loses his erection or takes forever to come with condoms, and he is considering a vasectomy, but I\u2019m worried the knowledge that he\u2019s shooting blanks would impact his erection, too. I\u2019d rather preserve his consistent ability to get it up than involve him in the birth control decision, even if it means I\u2019m slightly less horny than I naturally would be. Is that the wrong call? Do you have opinions on the best birth control option that messes with libido the least?<\/p>\n

\u2014Birth Control Questions<\/p>\n

Dear Birth Control Questions,<\/p>\n

I have so many opinions, and yet, at the end of the day, your best birth control option is going to come down to your specific body and circumstances. While doctors are human and can have biases or gaps in their knowledge (like all of us), you\u2019re going to be best off consulting with a gynecologist who listens to you and your preferences, and is familiar with both the details of your medical history and what options are feasibly available for you.<\/p>\n

What you write in your letter, which is noticeably bare of complaints about side effects aside from a decrease in libido, presents a picture of hormonal birth control having worked very well for you. Oral contraceptives genuinely do seem to function as intended for the majority of women who use them, often with few side effects that bother them, much less significantly impact their quality of life. Laudable gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter<\/a>, across three books, speaks incredibly highly of the benefits of hormone pills for everything from birth control, through regulation of menstrual cycles and treatment of conditions like polycystic ovarian syndrome, to hormone replacement during and after menopause because her immense clinical experience has demonstrated to her that they work best for most people. There are absolutely exceptions (I\u2019m one of them), but that doesn\u2019t take away from the fact that often the first option to try is what works best for most.<\/p>\n

So you have reason to believe a hormonal IUD will behave as doctors expect\u2014meaning, as it does for most people\u2014and that any systemic effects that might affect your libido may be lower because the hormones are localized and delivered directly to the uterus<\/a>. No one can make any guarantees here, especially not me, but you didn\u2019t say anything that describes an atypical experience with hormones so far, and, usually, women are incredibly happy with their hormonal IUDs once they\u2019re inserted. A survey of women in China using Mirena found that 90 percent of respondents<\/a> were \u201crather satisfied\u201d or \u201csatisfied.\u201d A survey of women with IUDs in the U.S. reported <\/a>that 83 percent of respondents were \u201chappy\u201d or \u201cvery happy.\u201d And these figures reflect what I\u2019ve heard directly from women. IUDs are also incredibly easy to change your mind about and have removed. The removal process is extremely quick. Anecdotally (based on my own experience and that of others) it is quite possible for the strings to be felt during penetration, and one letter writer for this column<\/a> reported small cuts occurring on the tip of her partner\u2019s penis, but if straight dude\u2019s dicks were getting sliced up regularly, I suspect there would be widespread discussion, research, and changes to the device pretty quickly.<\/p>\n

You do have a range of other options, including copper IUDs and sterilization. But I\u2019d start the conversation with your doctor, anticipating that they\u2019ll recommend a hormonal IUD. If that\u2019s the case, try the thing that works best for most people and is easily reversed first.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,\u00a0<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been married to my husband, \u201cSal,\u201d for just under 10 years, and we dated for four years before that. As we reluctantly go into middle age, both of our sex drives have declined, but mine a lot more than his. I do still very much love him, but I just don\u2019t have the fire I did back when I was younger. He\u2019s slowed down, but for him, that means going from \u201cwants to have sex multiple times a day\u201d to \u201cwants to have sex every day.\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019s always been respectful and wouldn\u2019t push when I didn\u2019t want to keep to that kind of pace. But I do feel bad and know he gets frustrated. So, with his birthday coming up, I commissioned a RealDoll made to resemble me. I thought he\u2019d like it. He did not.<\/p>\n

While calling it \u201cflipping out\u201d would probably be overmuch, he\u2019s been seriously offended and hasn\u2019t touched me since. He keeps saying he needs to \u201cthink things over\u201d and \u201cwants his space.\u201d I\u2019m not sure why this upset him so badly, or how to make amends. How do I fix things? I still don\u2019t get why it was such a big deal.<\/p>\n

\u2014Stepped In It<\/p>\n

Dear Stepped in It,<\/p>\n

Oh gosh. Two misfires with surprising spouses with sex toys in one week<\/a>. The standard advice with gifting sex toys has been \u201conly if you know the person very well,\u201d and it feels pretty obvious that this needs an edit. Only give a sex toy to a person if you know their sexual desires, boundaries, and the ways their emotions tie in to sex and masturbation well. Additionally, the larger a gift is, or the more consistently mocked it is in pop culture, the more significant the chances are of the recipient having a negative reaction. In the case of a RealDoll, unless the person in question has expressly stated their desire for one and that their desire includes it having a certain appearance, you\u2019re taking a really big risk.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jessica Stoya
\n I\u2019m an Emergency Room Doctor and It Makes Sex \u2026 Complicated. My Husband Hates the Solution.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m guessing that the context of your husband wanting sex more often than you do contributed to the situation. He almost certainly feels like he\u2019s being made fun of or denigrated by you in some way. You\u2019re going to need to think through how he accepts apologies best (what mood he needs to be in, what format he\u2019s most easily able to hear) and let him know that you feel awful but aren\u2019t able to understand why your gift hurt him so much. If you\u2019re generally oblivious to the ways your good intentions might land differently, there\u2019s a decent amount of hope that he\u2019ll realize you\u2019ve done it again, and let you in on why he\u2019s so hurt. From there, you can start repairing.<\/p>\n

Have Your Own Story to Share With How to Do It?<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,\u00a0<\/p>\n

My partner (we\u2019re both women) has had a fantasy about being choked by a woman who is fisting her while ordering her to come for more than a year now. She has been trying to persuade me to make it a reality, but in truth, I am really put off by it. To my knowledge, she has never suffered any sort of abuse. Is her fantasy within the bounds of normal?<\/p>\n

\u2014Sorry Not Into That<\/p>\n

Dear Sorry Not Into That,<\/p>\n

Fantasies along the lines of what your partner is describing are more common than you\u2019d think. You still shouldn\u2019t do it. The fact that you\u2019re \u201creally put off\u201d by the idea is enough, whether we\u2019re talking about strangulation during sex, having your nipples licked, or any other practice. The validity of your boundaries is not predicated on how typical a desire or activity is in the general population.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I\u2019m Newly Married. What My Single Friend Expects Me to Continue Doing With Her Is Pathetic.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

Even though you\u2019re not the one who brought up the idea, I also have to address the fact that there\u2019s no such thing as \u201csafe\u201d choking. It\u2019s simply not a thing. If a person is feeling the effects of choking-like behavior, oxygen flow to their brain is being reduced. To really underline it, reducing oxygen flow to the brain is bad for the brain and the rest of the body<\/a>. If both parties genuinely want to risk immediately killing the chokee, legal ramifications including jail time for the choker if things go awry in the moment, and long term psychological and physical damage to the chokee that may take so long to become apparent that no connection is drawn to the choking, I have no more power to stop them than anyone has to stop adults from taking immediate and long term risks by drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana or nicotine, or innumerable other activities such as underwater cave exploration.<\/p>\n

But real consent requires being informed about the risks, and I so often see people talking about aspects of sex, substances, and sports in terms of \u201cbeing safe.\u201d Mitigating risks is realistic, aiming for safer is realistic, and staring the potential consequences in the face and deciding to proceed anyway is something I consider a basic human right. \u201cSafe,\u201d though? No. That doesn\u2019t exist, especially not with asphyxiation.<\/p>\n

To finish directly answering your question, women who fantasize about experiencing violence during sex are pretty normal, as are people who underestimate or avoid considering the risks of various experiences they want to have. If your partner fails to accept the fact that this is beyond what you\u2019re willing to do, and you want to continue the relationship, I\u2019d go with a combination of asking her why she wants to enact this fantasy and presenting her with the alarming facts.<\/p>\n

\u2014Jessica<\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

I am a gay male aged 52. As I age, I look back and wonder, \u201cDid I live my life well\u2014or not?\u201d Overall, I feel very good and blessed about my life, but there is one thing that makes me question myself. When I was 21, I was fortunate to meet\u00a0\u201cRick.\u201d He was 33 and well-established. We became fast friends and soon after that, we became lovers. I felt like I had hit the jackpot. After 10 months, I moved in with him\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Jessica and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":558980,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[3005,97,14110],"class_list":{"0":"post-558979","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-sex"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/558979","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=558979"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/558979\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/558980"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=558979"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=558979"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=558979"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}