{"id":584728,"date":"2026-04-15T01:15:22","date_gmt":"2026-04-15T01:15:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/584728\/"},"modified":"2026-04-15T01:15:22","modified_gmt":"2026-04-15T01:15:22","slug":"im-a-40-year-old-woman-in-my-first-serious-relationship-i-need-to-know-if-what-im-really-feeling-is-normal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/584728\/","title":{"rendered":"I’m a 40-year-old woman in my first serious relationship. I need to know if what I’m really feeling is normal."},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 40-year-old straight woman, and I\u2019ve never been in a serious romantic relationship. I have plenty of wonderful people in my life, but I\u2019ve been a particularly late bloomer. I\u2019ve recently begun dating a 47-year-old man who is lovely; he dotes on me, feeds me, and adores me. I imagine he is someone that I can settle down with, and feel that possibility acutely.<\/p>\n

However, our relationship feels like just that \u2026 settling. I don\u2019t feel expansive or enamoured with him. I\u2019m self-conscious about my age and whether or not there\u2019s a chance for me to find someone who is on my wavelength and makes my heart light up, and I simultaneously don\u2019t want to miss the boat in having kids. I\u2019m open to adopting, but would love my own. I would tell someone else in my position not to settle, but I\u2019m, um, what\u2019s the word, freaking out. Thoughts?<\/p>\n

\u2014It\u2019s Only My Heart<\/p>\n

Dear It\u2019s Only My Heart,<\/p>\n

It would be one thing if you felt non-expansive and non-enamored with this guy, but you were totally expansive and enamored over the idea of settling down and having kids, so the absence of sparks didn\u2019t bother you. But it does bother you! That\u2019s the bottom line.<\/p>\n

Plus, it\u2019s not fair to him for you to stay with him knowing your feelings don\u2019t match, and not super fair to the kids you might one day have with him to go into this well aware that your enthusiasm for their dad is probably at a level that, when combined with the stress of raising children, is going to lead to divorce. I\u2019m sorry, but it is. A lot of people would tell you that feeling safe and comfortable and being treated well are the most important things in a marriage, and that\u2019s a valid perspective. But it only applies if peace and security make you happy.<\/p>\n

You clearly need more. Break up and go back out there looking for someone who makes your heart light up, wants kids one way or another just like you do, and doesn\u2019t make you think about getting out before your life together even really starts.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years, but we started dating in high school, so I\u2019ve known his family for 24 years at this point. My mother-in-law has routinely \u201cforgotten\u201d my birthday nearly every year recently. Even if my husband reminds her, I don\u2019t get a \u201cHappy Birthday,\u201d a Facebook message (even though she\u2019s on Facebook constantly and would see the reminder there), or anything.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s really hard not to take this personally, especially since just days ago, I saw she had written an effusive message to my brother-in-law\u2019s fianc\u00e9e for her birthday. I am so hurt and confused. I once expressed how this made me feel to her several years ago, and despite an apology in the moment, nothing has changed. Now I feel like I just want to create more distance there to protect myself from further hurt feelings. Do you have any advice?<\/p>\n

\u2014Pained Daughter-in-Law<\/p>\n

Dear Pained Daughter-in-Law,<\/p>\n

This is very strange. I was going to tell you to talk to her about it, but you already did. I wish I knew more. Is this part of a bigger pattern? Does she forget to set a place for you at the Thanksgiving table? Do you not get holiday gifts? Does she make a big deal about everyone\u2019s anniversary except yours? If she\u2019s consistently giving you the cold shoulder, that\u2019s worth another conversation about what\u2019s going on, and whether there is something you can do or a misunderstanding you can clear up to repair the relationship.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jen\u00e9e Desmond-Harris
\n My New Neighbors Have a Pungent Parking Lot Tradition. Not on My Watch.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

If the birthday forgetfulness is an isolated (albeit repeated) slight, and you generally like her and feel she likes you back, you may just need to put it in the It\u2019s a Mystery File. Maybe your birthday falls at a busy or emotionally draining time of year for her, maybe something about your Facebook settings is denying her the reminder, or maybe she has some sort of conflict with your husband about his failure to do what she wants, and she\u2019s taking it out on you. Who knows!<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t suggest that you \u201ccreate distance\u201d because that feels passive-aggressive, would take effort that could be emotionally draining, and would end up causing angst for you and your marriage. You\u2019d be punishing yourself when you could just focus on the people who do remember to celebrate you (I assume all of your other friends and loved ones, especially the ones you chose for yourself rather than marrying into) instead.<\/p>\n

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a>\u00a0Or submit a question here.<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Niece Wants to Know Why I Don\u2019t Speak to My Father. My Brother Will Be Furious If I Tell Her the Truth.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

I am in my early 50s, a wife and mother of two college-age girls and a son about to enter high school. My first sexual experience in my early 20s was a rape. I thought that I could \u201cdeal\u201d with the trauma by myself, but after three years, I had a nervous breakdown. It has been a long road to true healing. With medications, therapy, and my faith, I am in a wonderful place. I want to know if I should share my experience with my daughters because I believe that it would answer many questions that they might have regarding my behavior when they were growing up. They are both mature, and I am very close to both of them. Should I wait longer to share this with them?<\/p>\n

\u2014Should I Share Now or Wait?<\/p>\n

Dear Should I Share Now or Wait,<\/p>\n

You should definitely prepare for this with your therapist, giving some thought to the story you want to tell, how you want to tell it, and how you\u2019ll feel about\u2014and manage\u2014whatever reaction your daughters may have. I also think it makes sense to ask them whether they\u2019re up for this information by saying something like, \u201cI have been thinking of sharing some experiences from my past with you, because they might help explain my behavior when you were younger. But some of it is upsetting and might be hard to hear. What do you think? I could tell you now, wait until you feel ready one day in the future, or not at all.\u201d Treat it sort of like a content warning. And make sure you have the same talk with your son when he gets to their age, too.<\/p>\n

Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

Around the time I got engaged, my aunt started making some very destructive (and very public) decisions. My mom and her other siblings reached out in various ways to help her and she was mostly very nasty to them, often resorting to personal attacks when they\u2019d try to get her to face her actions and help her through the consequences. When it came time to send out wedding and bridal shower invites I decided, based on her past and current actions and her uncontrolled drinking, not to invite my aunt. I asked my mother her feelings on it and shared my reasoning and she agreed and said her sister had been very hurtful to many people and it would probably be a relief to them to not have her there\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I\u2019m a 40-year-old straight woman, and I\u2019ve never…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":584729,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[3005,22872,11463,97],"class_list":{"0":"post-584728","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-dating-and-relationships","10":"tag-dear-prudence","11":"tag-health"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/584728","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=584728"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/584728\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/584729"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=584728"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=584728"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=584728"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}