{"id":585949,"date":"2026-04-15T15:42:15","date_gmt":"2026-04-15T15:42:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/585949\/"},"modified":"2026-04-15T15:42:15","modified_gmt":"2026-04-15T15:42:15","slug":"my-brother-found-himself-a-gold-digger-she-has-the-wrong-idea-about-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/585949\/","title":{"rendered":"My brother found himself a gold digger. She has the wrong idea about me."},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

I make far more money than my brother and sister, to be blunt. The problem is that my sister\u2019s daughter was born severely disabled and most likely will never live independently. My sister\u2019s husband bailed after the birth, and our parents put off retirement to move where she lived to offer help. It has been hell. The state gives a pittance that you have to jump flaming hoops to get, my sister works part-time because she is a full-time caregiver, and my parents are exhausted.<\/p>\n

I could have bought two new houses in cash for what I give to help. I pay for respite care, a new van, new equipment that the state wouldn\u2019t cover, household expenses, and occasional vacations for my parents and sister so they can get some relaxation. My parents have been up front since my niece was born that any inheritance, beyond personal items, is going into a trust for her care. I have been adding to the savings, too.<\/p>\n

My brother has been hands-off but understanding until he met \u201cLaura.\u201d Laura works a low-wage job and has expensive tastes, especially for her two kids. Both of them have dads and extended family, but apparently, I am the new piggy bank. Laura and my brother have been dating for five years, and I have met her kids all of five times, as Laura only has weekend custody. The last two times, they called me the wrong name and cried because I got them $50 gift cards and not a $500 gaming system.<\/p>\n

Laura acts like a martyr when she is a gold digger. My brother makes a good enough living, but Laura sees me paying for my sister and parents to go on a cruise while paying for respite care as a personal insult. She makes constant catty comments about her and her kids never getting to go on vacation, and how it is hard not to be the favorite. I finally lost it when Laura ripped into me at a family dinner because I didn\u2019t get her oldest a $3,000 e-bike and just sent a gift card.<\/p>\n

I told Laura to go screw herself and screw her greedy kids. She wasn\u2019t even trying to raise them right for the pittance of the time she has them. And I told her she could consider this a permanent embargo on any gifts from me from now on. I think my outburst actually scared Laura because she immediately shut up and went outside to have a cigarette. I left soon after and got home to my brother, leaving me six different voicemails about how terrible I had been and demanding an apology. I texted him to keep his girlfriend in line and out of my wallet.<\/p>\n

I actually don\u2019t care if my brother and his girlfriend stay pissed off at me, but they are complaining about me to our parents and sister. It is really hard on my mom because she has health issues, deals with my niece daily, and is a people pleaser. What do I do here? Five years of playing nice have done nothing. I never plan on having kids or getting married, but given what my niece will need for the rest of her life, even if I were the actual aunt to Laura\u2019s kids, they can learn that their wants aren\u2019t a necessity. What now?<\/p>\n

\u2014Aunt Richie<\/p>\n

Dear Aunt Richie,<\/p>\n

I was totally on your side for the first part of the letter! Don\u2019t get me wrong, I am still on your side. You\u2019re incredibly generous, your care for your family is evident, and you have no financial obligation to Laura and her children, so I\u2019m glad you\u2019re not falling for her con. Honestly, I even think you\u2019re going above and beyond by sending gifts for the kids\u2019 birthdays. People you have met five times are pretty much in the \u201cIf I am seeing you on the holiday or birthday, you get a gift if you\u2019re lucky, and if we\u2019re not seeing each other, you don\u2019t\u201d category. So nobody should be criticizing you.<\/p>\n

But you didn\u2019t need to go 10 steps past holding a reasonable boundary while maintaining your dignity to cuss her out and include a low blow about her parenting. I get that her demands were ridiculous and that she was being awful, but now you\u2019ve been kind of awful too, and you probably don\u2019t feel any better than you would if you\u2019d just said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry you feel that way, but my gifting budget isn\u2019t flexible.\u201d Sorry, I know it\u2019s not helpful for me to chastise you for what you\u2019ve already done. I say this so you know what to do next time this happens (because I\u2019m sure it will).<\/p>\n

If you can find it in you, you can apologize to Laura\u2014for the way you spoke to her, not for the refusal to give in to her panhandling. And your statement to your mom should be, \u201cI\u2019m really sorry all of this is stressing you out. Please know that I\u2019m OK even if Laura is mad at me. The important thing to me is that you, my sister, and my niece have what you need, and that\u2019s what I\u2019m going to focus on. If you would like to be left out of any future conversations about this, I can definitely honor that, and you should ask my brother and Laura to do the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

My best friend has been going through an incredibly tough couple of years, which have involved them getting dumped, repeating the final year of college, dropping out of college just before exams, and isolating themselves socially, both from our mutual friends and everyone else. They\u2019re currently working a job they dislike, and often tell me that they feel stagnant. Their self-esteem has absolutely tanked, and their ambition has, too. They almost certainly have depression. We\u2019re only in our mid-20s, but they talk as if they have no hope for the future. I\u2019m incredibly concerned for them.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve encouraged them to return to counseling and seek out a career counselor\/occupational therapist, but they either aren\u2019t able or aren\u2019t willing. It feels like they\u2019re in a spiral of self-sabotage, and while I try my best to be there for them, I\u2019m very busy with my own life. I\u2019ve tried to loop mutual friends back into the mix, but I can only encourage so much. I love them dearly, and no one deserves to feel like they do. I don\u2019t know how to help bring their hope back.<\/p>\n

How would you encourage someone who\u2019s stuck in this cycle? Would I be overstepping if I sent them a list of therapists and career counselors? I don\u2019t know what to do outside of just being there for them, and I don\u2019t feel like that\u2019s been enough. I live a city over, but there have been points where I make a last-minute sprint up for the weekend, have a mutual friend pop over, or check in with their mom.<\/p>\n

\u2014Heartbroken Friend<\/p>\n

Dear Heartbroken Friend,<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t tell whether you\u2019re alluding to a worry that your friend is suicidal. If that\u2019s it, there\u2019s a school of thought that says you should ask them directly. According to the Jefferson Center for Mental Health<\/a>, a nonprofit mental health care provider, although many worry that mentioning suicide could cause harm by putting the idea into someone\u2019s head, research indicates that that\u2019s not the case. Instead, asking someone directly, \u201cAre you thinking about killing yourself?\u201d (You can say \u201cHave you been unhappy lately?\u201d or \u201cYou seem down, tell me about it\u201d or \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d to start the conversation, the Jefferson Center suggests) can chip away at the stigma around depression and offer some relief. If the answer is yes, that\u2019s when you would push your friend to connect them with professional support. The National Alliance on Mental Illness backs this approach<\/a>, too.<\/p>\n

If, on the other hand, you just hate to see someone you care about miserable, you should resist the urge to fix the situation for them\u2014at least without asking. A list of therapists and counselors is a few clicks away, and they know that. So you shouldn\u2019t provide it unless they\u2019ve said they are having trouble doing the initial research. Instead, why don\u2019t you offer them a menu of things you are willing to do to help and let them tell you what they really need? That list can include research and appointment-making, but also other stuff like starting a new hobby, reading a self-help or inspirational book together, connecting them to people who might be able to help with their career search, or providing a steady stream of gossip or pop culture commentary. This will keep you focused on something manageable, which is good because your goal to \u201chelp bring their hope back\u201d is very well-intended but way too ambitious.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t\u2014even by making yourself available all the time and nudging them toward what you would do\u2014make repairs to another person\u2019s brain. Trying to do so will leave you frustrated, demoralized, and potentially even so resentful that you become less patient with them, and the friendship suffers. Asking what they need specifically will save you from the endless but nebulous and not necessarily effective work of \u201cbeing there.\u201d<\/p>\n

If your friend tells you what they want most is for you to listen or spend time with them, don\u2019t assume you need to give pep talks or suggest an endless list of solutions. It can often be just as helpful to affirm that what they\u2019re going through is really hard and that you see how much they\u2019re suffering. This won\u2019t lead directly to a new job, a better attitude, or even an appointment with a therapist, but it could bring them comfort that will make the road to these things\u2014if they choose to get on it\u2014a lot less agonizing.<\/p>\n

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a>\u00a0Or submit a question here.<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m in a few different group chats with different sets of friends. Fairly frequently, the two (or more) other people in those chats will seem to forget I\u2019m included, rather than it being a one-on-one text, and will start planning a meet-up I can\u2019t attend or otherwise have conversations I\u2019m not really in on.<\/p>\n

My feelings might be a little hurt in some cases, but the real problem is picking up my phone to hundreds of unread messages and having to sort through them to figure out which ones might warrant a response from me. I\u2019ve tried screenshotting the unread messages count with a \u201ccome on, guys,\u201d and got a one-time apology but no other effect. Is there another way to ask them to knock it off without sounding resentful or passive-aggressive about being excluded? I don\u2019t care if they hang out without me; I just don\u2019t want to be alerted to all the dozen messages traded in their attempts to figure out the parking situation.<\/p>\n

\u2014Over Notified<\/p>\n

Dear Over Notified,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to tell you what I tell myself when I\u2019m at the final step of ordering groceries online and become absolutely overwhelmed and exhausted by the prospect of selecting replacement items: \u201cThis is not a problem. Technology has made you think it is a problem, but it\u2019s not a problem. Get over it.\u201d<\/p>\n

The extra notifications aren\u2019t hurting you, and part of being in a group chat means sometimes receiving messages that aren\u2019t sent with you in mind. Are you old enough to remember what life was like before this kind of communication? If you wanted to chat with all your friends, you had to figure out how to all be at the same place at the same time. That was a LOT more work than two minutes of scrolling and skimming. And guess what? When you got there, there were moments when the conversation took a turn that didn\u2019t interest you, and you just had to sit there and survive it or get interested.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jen\u00e9e Desmond-Harris
\n I\u2019m a 40-Year-Old Woman in My First Serious Relationship With a Man. I Need to Know If What I\u2019m Really Feeling Is Normal.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Brother Found Himself a Gold Digger. She Has the Wrong Idea About Me.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

If you can\u2019t shake being deeply bothered by reading irrelevant texts, even with this perspective, you might ask yourself how much you actually like these friends. I have a group chat with my husband and our mutual friend that occasionally takes a turn toward discussing the demands and internal politics, and conferences of an organization that I don\u2019t belong to. But I am interested in what they have going on in their lives, so I don\u2019t mind\u2014and actually enjoy\u2014being a fly on the wall as they go back and forth about it. I imagine if I received a \u201cHey, I\u2019m parking\u201d message while I sat at home, I\u2019d think, \u201cI wish I were there! Have fun!\u201d and probably text that, along with, \u201cSend me a picture!\u201d because I like them. Scrolling through the messages of people you like is no less interesting than scrolling through the rest of the internet.<\/p>\n

What you\u2019re dealing with is perhaps the lowest-stakes example of the mantra: \u201cThe cost of community is inconvenience.\u201d Except it\u2019s actually not even inconvenient! If it\u2019s too overwhelming to go back and read to find the messages that do concern you, just don\u2019t. Someone will follow up if they really want a reply, and I don\u2019t think that will bother you too much.<\/p>\n

Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

I believe my nephew is on a three-year journey of faking his college enrollment. His financially strapped parents have paid for all his \u201ccollege expenses,\u201d except for tuition. They also suspect something is up. They\u2019ve asked me to help. Things are coming to a head because he now has to invent reasons why he didn\u2019t graduate with his class in the spring. The first reason was a made-up study abroad program he had to finish that prevented him from finishing his last class. He faked a lot of it well but didn\u2019t know he was given away by his cell phone still having the U.S. ring, even though he was supposed to be in Europe for the semester.<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I make far more money than my brother…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":585950,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[31],"tags":[3005,11463,3006,74],"class_list":["post-585949","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-technology","tag-advice","tag-dear-prudence","tag-family","tag-technology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/585949","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=585949"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/585949\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/585950"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=585949"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=585949"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=585949"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}