In this world, everything else about the NFL remains the same. But with a maverick like Weaver in the chair\u2014his child with the salary cap manager would be 12 now, by the way\u2014anything is possible. Let\u2019s dive in.<\/p>\n
1. Cleveland Browns*Projected trade (via Las Vegas Raiders, for 2026, \u201927 and \u201928 first-round draft picks)Jeremiyah Love, RB, Notre Dame<\/p>\n
We\u2019re back, baby. The Browns trade three first-round picks to the Raiders on the morning of draft day, ostensibly for the right to draft Fernando Mendoza \u2026 before discovering that Mendoza failed an eighth-grade history test and forged his parents\u2019 signature upon returning it to the teacher. Maybe that\u2019s enough to keep Mendoza on a draft board elsewhere (looking at you, Cowboys), but not in Sonny Weaver Jr.\u2019s Cleveland. After Weaver makes the pick, he creepily hangs in a partly-open hallway closet.\u00a0<\/p>\n
2. New York JetsArvell Reese, edge, Ohio State\u00a0<\/p>\n
Sufficiently freaked out by the idea that not even the Browns would draft Mendoza, the Jets stick to their big board and secure the high-upside pass rusher. The early back page of the New York Post reads: DON\u2019T CALL MY NAME, FERNANDO.<\/p>\n
3. Jacksonville Jaguars*Projected trade (via Cardinals for 2026 second-round pick, \u201927 first-round pick, \u201927 second-round pick)Carnell Tate, WR, Ohio State<\/p>\n
Sensing that he was being overshadowed by the equally performative Weaver, Jaguars general manager James Gladstone, who just a year ago promised to change football forever by selecting two-way Colorado star Travis Hunter, takes a wide receiver, since Hunter will no longer be playing wide receiver<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cCarnell Tate may also play defense,\u201d Gladstone says at the team\u2019s immediate after-pick press conference. \u201cAnd, our solar system may just be one tiny atom inside the fingernail of some giant being. Additionally, one atom in our fingernail may contain its own solar system.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n 4. Tennessee TitansSonny Styles, LB, Ohio State<\/p>\n Robert Saleh gets his Fred Warner in the middle of a developing Titans defense.\u00a0<\/p>\n 5. Cleveland Browns*Projected trade (via Giants, for 2026, \u201927 and \u201928 second- and third-round picks)<\/p>\n Fresh from the closet, Weaver phones Giants general manager Joe Schoen, secures the No. 5 pick and nabs a slice of Papa John\u2019s as he rounds the corner back into the draft room.\u00a0<\/p>\n Upon entering, he realizes the entire staff has departed and in front of him is CaroleAnn Kinsella, the company\u2019s human resources specialist.\u00a0<\/p>\n Scene:\u00a0<\/p>\n CaroleAnn: \u201cSonny, why don\u2019t you have a seat.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n Sonny: \u201cWho can sit down at a time like this? It\u2019s the NFL draft. It\u2019s time to get the Browns back on track! I\u2019m saving Cleveland. I\u2019m going to get all my picks back!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n CaroleAnn: \u201cSonny, we\u2019ve had some compla\u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n Sonny: \u201cRemember 2014? I got David Putney! I called the Seahawks\u2019 GM a pancake-eating motherf—er and stole his punt returner! I got all my picks back and I got David Putney! Man, I love this job!\u201d [Cracks beer]\u00a0<\/p>\n CaroleAnn: \u201cSunny you can\u2019t drink in here.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n Sonny: \u201cThis is the year we turn the corner. I can feel it. The Browns in the playoffs \u2026 can you imagine?\u201d<\/p>\n CaroleAnn: \u201c… In addition to an illicit office relationship, you also smashed the laptop of an intern \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n Sonny: \u201cThey said Bo Callahan was the next great quarterback. But I believed in Brian Drew!\u201d<\/p>\n CaroleAnn: \u201c… staffers are alarmed at your impulsive decision-making, which is not limited to your wanton disregard for our organizational draft strategy. Cafeteria outbursts, loud fights with your mother in plain view of other employees, small fires being set indoors \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n End scene.<\/p>\n 5. Las Vegas RaidersFernando Mendoza, QB, Indiana<\/p>\n
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